A Letter To George

Dear Mr. President,

It's been a while since I've written to you, but you seem kinda lonely right now. Only 31% of Americans think you're doing a heckuva job, making you about as popular as a hooker in a convent. Your own party is blaming you for their defeat this week. You were forced to eat lunch with that short liberal woman from San Francisco. And now you have all those wonderful congressional hearings to look forward to. Even Rush Limbaugh has turned against you.

Still, you only have yourself to blame. I told you not to listen to that Rove boy. I always knew he was a bad influence, that he would end up getting you into trouble. And then you started hanging out with all those wild-eyed neocons who told you that invading Iraq would be a piece of cake. I told you that was a bad idea, but would you listen? Noooo. And if that's not bad enough, you began listening to religious loonies like Ted Haggard. You even appointed them to run Iraq, despite the fact they knew nothing about the Arab world. See, this is what happens when you hang out with a bad crowd. Bad things happen. I mean, breaking an oil company is one thing, but now you've gone and broken the country.

Oops just doesn't cut it this time, George.

And after all that, where are all your friends when you need them? The evangelicals are deserting you. The neocons are blaming you. The Republican base has given up on you. Still, at least you still have Laura and Barney.

I know that sin and redemption play a major role in your worldview. You've committed enough sins, so now is the time for redemption. You have two years to fix everything you've broken in the past six---Iraq, the middle class, the environment, our diplomatic relationships and the Republican Party. So I came up with a few suggestions to help you along:

• Get rid of the kool-aid crowd and bring in some grown-ups to help fix some of the damage. Robert Gates is a good start. He's a realist, unlike his predecessor, and will enjoy greater respect from the troops. When he tells you something, listen to him. More importantly, listen to your Generals. They know about this war stuff. You don't. Deal with it.
  
• Speak to the Iranians. I know their leader is a nutbag, but your hero Ronald Reagan never had any problems talking to nutbags. I mean, he even sent Rummy to meet with Saddam. You can't keep acting like a teenage girl, refusing to speak to people who you don't like. The idea of diplomacy is that you have to talk to people you don't like. That's why it's called diplomacy. If it were only about talking to people you like, it would be called brunch.
  
• Same goes for the Syrians and North Koreans. Show the world that you are man enough to look these guys in the eye instead of avoiding them like a petulant schoolgirl. It's good politics. You will look reasonable, mature and statesmanlike. They will look like douchebags.
  
• Iraq is never going to be like Kansas. Deal with it. Saddam Hussein was leader of Iraq for a reason---because he knew what it took to keep that country together. Iraqis are never going to name town squares after you or sing songs in your honor. Eventually, you will have to swallow your pride and put a hardline dictator in charge. I'm sure you have a few of those laying around somewhere. Only a dictator can stabilize that country---and no, George, it can't be you. That just wouldn't work.
  
• Understand that not all Americans are fortunate enough to have a millionaire daddy who was President and who can get them into Yale as a legacy. A lot of middle-class folks (they're the ones you call "the little people") are hurting as a direct result of your policies. The bankruptcy bill, the millionaire tax cuts and endless corporate welfare may be popular with your CEO buddies. Unfortunately for you, and despite your best efforts, the little people are able to vote. That's what went wrong on Tuesday.
  
• You are not a King. Sorry, George, but there was a revolution a couple of hundred years ago to get rid of the monarchy. Perhaps Condie can tell you all about it. This means you have to obey the law just like everybody else. Yes, I know the constitution is inconvenient, because it stops you getting whatever you want, but a lot of Americans happen to feel strongly about it. If you go around abducting, detaining and wiretapping U.S. citizens, then all your successors will start doing it and then where will we be? Just obey the law, George. It isn't a lot to ask.
  
• Stop listening to Karl and Dick. They got you into this mess, but they won't be the ones blamed by history. When you took your oath of office, you pledged allegiance to the constitution and promised to represent ALL the American people---not just "the base", but gays, minorities and San Francisco liberals too. I know you don't trust folks who are different (or not from Texas), but it's not your job to like them. It's your job to represent them.
  
• Stop invading other countries. You are not very good at it and you always seem to invade the wrong ones. When you do invade the right ones, you get bored with them quickly and forget to clean up after yourself (remember Afghanistan?)
  
• Catch Osama. People will like you for that.
  
• Listen to the scientists. When they say that the planet is in grave danger, take notice. Sure, they could be wrong, although this is unlikely. But who are you to know any better? These guys are smarter than you. Deal with it. Besides, just imagine if they are right. Do you want to be remembered as the guy who could have prevented global catastrophe but decided that the Dow was more important? Oh, I forgot, nobody will be around to care. That's okay then.
  
• I know you're hurtin' because your party is now in the minority. Here's an idea to fix that. Become a Democrat. On second thoughts...

In a couple of years, you can go back home to clear brush in Crawford for the rest of your life. In the meantime, you've got some tough times ahead. Wouldn't it be nice to be remembered as a uniter and not a divider? Then do whatever Nancy and Harry tell you. If you don't, they will tangle you up in so many subpoenas that you'll be spending the last two years of your term with lawyers.

You've had a good career, but you've just run your last election campaign and you lost. It's time to drop the swagger and the smirk, which was really starting to piss people off, especially while their kids are dying in a war you started. Even the fearmongering doesn't work any more, but it was good while it lasted, right?

So try a bit of humility and contrition for a change, and let the grown-ups figure out how to fix Iraq.

This is all just friendly advice but it might just save your legacy.

Sincerely,
Toby