Culture

Aishwarya Reveals Her Ugly Past!

by Lcantu | August 12, 2006 at 01:54 pm

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BOMBAY (Digital Dementia News Services) - Bollywood film starlet Aishwarya Rai stunned her fans today when she claimed that she was the world’s first successful face transplant patient. “Everybody thinks that bitch in France was the first, but she wasn’t. It was me and now I want everybody to know.” said Ms. Rai who has often been hailed as the world’s most beautiful woman.

Most of her fans refused to believe the story. “You can’t create a face like hers with a scalpel. She is stunning and I am sure she was born beautiful.” insisted Vikram Gossain, president of the Aishwarya Rai Bombay fan club. “As far as I am concerned, she rates as close to a perfect “1000” on the beauty ratings scale as I have ever seen.” (Note: Most Indian men have gone to a metric scale in their beauty ratings, giving women a score of between 1 and 1,000 milihelens. A “Helen” is the amount of beauty it takes to launch one thousand ships. A milihelen is the amount of beauty it takes to launch one ship.)

Ms. Rai told reporters in a press conference held in Bombay that “I was born ugly. I am not even Indian. I am American. I was born in Louisville, Kentucky. I was so ugly as a child that no one would play with me. It was such a lonely childhood. When I got to high school, things were even worse. You know how cruel high school kids can be. In my senior year, I was voted the 'girl most likely to die alone'. Fortunately for me, I met an incredible plastic surgeon while I was on a visit to see my auntie in Philadelphia. He took my case on as a personal challenge and performed my surgery on a no-charge basis. How’s that for a lucky break?”

“I still have my old face,” says Ms. Rai. “I keep it in a jar of formaldehyde in my basement. It’s not really good for much and my mom keeps telling me to get rid of it because it gives her the creeps, but it does seem to keep the rats out of the basement, so I guess I’ll keep it.”