Animal Sexuality Research Provokes Outcry from the Usual Pansy-Asses

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Animal Sexuality Research Provokes Outcry from the Usual Pansy-Asses

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UKIAH, CALIFORNIA (Digital Dementia News Services) - Animal rights activists staged violent protests outside a research facility in Ukiah, California.  The research facility, jointly owned and operated by Custom Perversions Inc. and Sublimation Ltd, has been conducting a wide variety of innovative and controversial experiments into the sexual habits of numerous animal species including capuchins, macaques, penguins and anteaters. 

Anita Gittlade, spokesperson for PETA, told reporters that the research underway at the facility was cruel and degrading to the animals involved.  Research & development manager for Custom Perversions, Likmai Tuat, insisted that the animals are well cared for and seem to love participating in the experiments.  Ms. Tuat invited reporters to enter the research facility to view the conditions in which the animals were kept as well as animal sexuality research currently underway. 

The facility appeared to be clean and well maintained.  The laboratory animals all seemed to be well-fed and in good health, though some appeared to highly agitated.  Research lab staff explained that “most of the animals have figured out that everyday is ‘hump-day’ around here and sometimes they get very impatient waiting their turn to participate in the sexuality experiments.” 

The co-owners of the research facility have come under strong criticism and intense pressure to curtail the experiments.  In a statement released earlier this month Custom Perversions Inc. defended the animal sexuality research as “critically imperative for the perfection of techniques that will allow humans to achieve a non-fatal 8-hour orgasm.”  Custom Perversions is a Houston-based international sexual consultancy service company.  It has recently achieved notoriety for its highly suggestive television advertising spots in which internationally renowned bimbo, Paris Hilton, clad only in whipping cream and holding a wicked-looking egg beater coos to the camera that Custom Perversions prescribes highly innovative sexual activities that are “if not within the law, are at least not yet prohibited by existing laws.” 

No stranger to controversy, co-owner Sublimation Ltd has long been in the animal molestation business operating in its own specialty niche of the entertainment & leisure industry.  Its “Rent-a-Goose” outlets in Houston, Los Angeles, Chicago and Atlanta are said to be highly profitable.  Sublimation Ltd shares recently began trading on the NASDAQ and have beaten analysts’ expectations.  Shame and scandal only seem to boost the company’s share price.  Last month the share price jumped 17% in one day following reports that Sublimation Ltd Chairman and CEO, Rev. Les Dewette, was arrested in a honky-tonk in Hobart, Australia and charged with slow dancing with a wallaby.