Bold New Strategy May Resurrect Church's Declining Fortunes

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Bold New Strategy May Resurrect Church's Declining Fortunes

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The Vatican (Digital Dementia Business Wire) - In a surprise move, the Vatican today announced that the Holy Roman Catholic Church was expanding its services and outlets.

Observers were caught off guard by the announcement as many in the religious services industry had expected the Catholic Church to continue its recent trend of closing down more of its churches in the face of continuing steep declines in attendance.

“Most analysts were expecting a further consolidation and more church closing announcements by the Vatican. Such moves would have helped to cut costs and also to deal with the chronic staff shortages that result from the lack of sufficient priests coming out of world seminaries,” observed Reverend Pete O’Phyle, chief assistant to Boston Archbishop Sean O’Malley. “Despite decades of declines in membership and attendance, the Vatican clearly still hasn’t given up the Holy Ghost and thinks it can resurrect the Church’s moribund performance.”

With a new pope at the helm who has surprised everyone with his visionary initiatives and bold strategies, anything is possible.

The Catholic Church’s new approach borrows a well tested and successful strategy from the food services sector: “FRANCHISING”.

Negotiations on the franchising arrangements between the Vatican and Starbucks are said to have reached an advanced stage. While many details remain the subject of speculation, insiders say that Starbucks is clearly set to emerge as the first franchisee distributor of the Holy Eucharist.

“The faithful won’t necessarily have to trudge out of their way to their local parish just to receive Holy Communion anymore,” says Rev. Pete O’Phyle. “They can receive the Holy Sacrament of Communion anytime they stop in a Starbucks for coffee. I think it’s definitely a win-win-win outcome, a very brilliant move. The Church gets much needed revenue and thousands of new outlets through this franchising strategy, Starbucks gets yet another draw for their shops and the faithful get fast, convenient service.”

It is anticipated that Starbucks will be licensed to serve the Holy Eucharist in a variety of new forms including walnut scones, blueberry muffins, apple fritters and cheese blintzes. The Church will apparently reserve to itself the exclusive right to dispense the traditional, unflavored white wafers at its traditional church outlets.

The Vatican is said to be entering into negotiations for similar arrangements with several other potential franchisees including Taco Bell, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Dunkin Donuts and Circle K.

Shares of the Holy Roman Church (NYSE ticker symbol “HRC”) shot up 11% on the news in late trading yesterday.