5 Ways to CRUSH CONFORMITY this Holiday Season

Esteemed readers, as of November 1 consumer confidence in these United States has plunged at the greatest rate in over 30 years. It is my contention that in recent economic quarters citizens who were once malleable and obedient have become accomplices in dragging down the retail sector. The tentacles of sedition spring from a beast elusive and deep-dwelling, but one may be certain that its goal is nefarious and its avenues for treachery are numerous.

This sedition--evident in current trends of cheekily ignoring advertising campaigns and dismissing corporate decisions concerning society's best interests--is further heightened due to an apparent increase in Americans' free time, and an uncertainty among our Most Distinguished Experts as to how precisely this free time is being used.

In these most dangerous of conditions, rapscallion consumer advocates and ghoulish anti-globalization hep-cats pre-print the common citizen's destiny using soy ink on paper pounded from organically-grown hemp pulp. But those among our citizenry who are truly rugged individualists and patriots are boldly stepping forward and asking how they can stop this villainy in its tracks during the 2008 holiday season. I am more than pleased to provide the following five suggestions for how the unique, brawny individualist can contribute to the destruction of the menacing wave of conformity that plagues this nation:

1) Express your freewheeling, maverick nature by securing a loan for a new SUV. A few short years ago car loans were the hip, swinging thing, and all the cool kids were doing it. But today, a society of squares, duds, and alarmists is increasingly choosing to cower at the thought new loans. These un-American apostates are choosing to drive last year's model and, in more severe instances of mutiny, they walk and ride bicycles. Still worse, the truly accursed are stooping toward reliance on public transportation. 

Consequently, auto sales grew less than 6% last year, and SUV sales have been especially hard hit due to the seditious insinuation that these chariots of the loyal consume more than their fair share of fuel. But the bold, patriotic freethinker recognizes that it is Anti-American for anyone other than a corporation to suggest what he or she should be driving.

(A word to the wise citizen: when securing your auto loan, don't be lured by the chicanery of those pesky, hayseed credit unions. Instead, crush conformity even further by getting your loan through an ABA member institution, where boards of directors are composed of the rightful heirs to distinction and leadership.)

2) Put down that book, pull out your greenbacks, and buy a CD! Although global slowdown of book sales is a welcome indication of reduced reflective thinking by the populace, declining music sales may be a harbinger of the public's sassy refusal to accept corporate-determined predilections.

Here I must warn the casual reader not to assume that poor CD sales are due to music piracy. Indeed, the cautious must consider the unsettling possibility that Americans are finding new, scurrilous methods for utilizing free time and money. The vigilant citizen will recognize that it is time to restore our National Complacency by buying some CDs and once again fritter away our free time hip-hopping and breakdancing to Bing Crosby, Perry Como, and today's other trendy crooners.

3) Valiantly reclaim your right to self-determination with a Wii. When confronted with free time, the citizen will likely be faced with manifold temptations in determining how that free time should be spent. Scrutinizing foreign policy, meddling in the political process, and driving that extra distance to shop at an organic grocery--these are just a few of the subversive acts today's American may be tempted to engage in when confronted with those problematic idle hours.

Demonstrate that you, for one, are no fool for such factious pursuits and pressures presented by scalawags. While others grow perplexed at the conundrum posed by an empty afternoon, demonstrate your rugged autonomy with a Wii. Although sales of this delightful distraction continue to keep pace with competitors such as Playstation and Xbox, Those Who Peer From Windows With Distinguished Views fear Wii’s survival in the coming recession: they project only 35 million sales of Wiis by 2012, forecasting a potentially difficult challenge in keeping the populace disengaged from the political process.

4) Turn off that news channel and go see a movie! In this increasingly complex society, apathy is the virtue of the button-down ranks.

Corporate news channels in recent years have enjoyed a welcome increase in ratings. This is understandable due to their tireless, valiant efforts to showcase weapons, gossip about celebrities, and encourage fear without compromising consumer confidence.

Unfortunately, appropriate news programming has been realized at the expense of the motion picture industry. Ticket sales to the talkies are in a slump, a further indicator that society's fraidy-cats are scrutinizing the economy and developing a reluctance to spend. While the masses are loyally cozying up to their TVs for an evening of news and popcorn, the bolder and better informed are buying a ticket to Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

5) Reclaim your right to a Calvinist Work Ethic. In Duty, Patriotism and Providence find a kindred friend. While the illustrious captains of industry are toiling and enjoying no time for recreational pursuits, mutinous swine are boondoggling in their cubicles while bemoaning longer workdays, increased burdens, and decreased benefits. Show that you, for one, are above such heresy: it is incumbent upon the hopeful and conscientious to whistle while they work, smilingly accept consistently-deferred recognition, and remain focused on our nation's heroic entrepreneurs. Must I remind you that the Devil finds mischief for the idle soul?