Afternoon Der-light: Gold Chains and Cheap Corndogs

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Wienerschnitzel $_79 Corn Dog commercial

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Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar.

I spend a lot of time sniffing the corners of advertising looking for hidden meanings, bigger messages or universal truths. And yes, this hunt (and I) can get more than a little bit annoying sometimes. Especially when one has to admit that sometimes an ad really is just an ad. The big corporate conglom has got stuff to sell and they need the best and most efficient way to do it they can. No pre-meditated social commentary – no grand design of changing the world (no offence Mr. Kenneth Cole). They got product to move – and now.

So when a company just throws down and goes balls-out to sell something (not as coarse as you’re thinking it is, by the way) I just appreciate it so much. It’s like someone jumping up on a table and yelling their head off to make the whole room pay attention ‘cause they got sumpin’ to say. In this case the message is cheap corn dogs.

We’re not lucky enough to have Wienerschnitzel the restaurant on this side of the border and I feel we are the poorer for it. Like White Castle or Jack in the Box too, I curse the existence of the 49th parallel as one great big wall of disconnect from the pop cultural goodness I so desire. That border is always the main barrier between me and the crassest of fast food iconography known to man. That it’s so close is nothing more than a tease. Are we really so polite and deferential that we risk sovereignty by not allowing (or at least making it easier) for Jack’s mad clown to bless us with his deals? Is there no sufficient Canuckatite for White Castle’s sliders? Are there so few Germanic peoples that der Wienerschnitzel’s hot dog juggernaut need not salute our Maple Leaf? Apparently so….

The Wienerschnitzel ad I caught is literally delicious. They’re selling corn dogs – that’s it – corn dogs for a bargain 79 cents everyday and to make sure we all know about it they feature one actor playing an almost pitch-perfect reproduction of a mid-nineties Tony Curtis and another channelling the bubble-headiest blonde bimbo you’ve ever seen. She is so simple and so devoid of anything even remotely resembling intellect that if Oscars were actually handed out for acting she should get a bagful.  The two sit at their booth in Wienerschnitzel as big daddy, dressed in a velour track suit with a gold chain and indoor/outdoor shades (late 70’s porn couture) tells it like it is. Blondie fawns and grinds all over as our man riffs “I’m 79. She was born in ’79. Gold’s atomic number is 79 and now Wienerschnitzel’s corndogs are only 79 cents. Coincidence?” At this point blondie arm candy, twisting her hair all the while, pipes up - “More like serendipity.”  And they laugh. Oh my goodness do they laugh - like a pair of friggen lunatics. His is slightly evil while hers projects a clueless-ness that is intoxicating. She has no idea what the hell she’s laughing about. It’s a thing of beauty. I could not turn away from the spectacle. The voice over man informs us of the everyday value that is Wienerschnitzel’s corn dog and then we cut back to our lovely pair as blondie, now emboldened by her humorous comment, blurts out “79 is the new 69.” She turns to look for approval from Poppy Porn, who bursts forth with even more throaty laughter than before. The announcer comes back on just long enough to tell us “Wienerschnitzel – DER-licious. Darn right it’s der-licious  I love corn dogs and I love this ad.

I could watch it over and over again. It’s moronic and stupid – no doubt – but it drives home the price of a corn dog like gangbusters thanks to the so-odd they match couple. That’s my kind of advertising baby. I wish they had life size cut-outs of this pair in every Wienerschnitzel restaurant in America. I’d make the pilgrimage and grab one for no other reason than to have these two living in my den. Is there some bigger message? Some grand statement about multi-generational love, sex, aging or even disrespect towards intellectually-challenged blondes? I doubt it. Corn dogs are 79 cents at Wienerschnitzel. That’s about it when it comes to messaging, making it pretty clear that sometimes a cheap corndog is really just a cheap corndog. Der-licious.