American Ideals: Paris Hilton and Tiger Woods

Esteemed audience, in these days when brazen attempts at resisting and dismantling our great nation's time-honored class distinctions are all too common, it is consoling to know that there are two bustling, energetic young people of significant stature who stand as stalwart figures against such impudence and civic mischief. I speak, of course, of Ms. Paris Hilton and Mr. Tiger Woods.

To begin, Mr. Woods demonstrates the proper comportment and conventions obligatory of one with middle-class beginnings and cultivation, specifically hard work, willingness to spend, and reluctance to meddle in politics. His successes are attributable only to talent and arduous practice, and as such, little threat to established precepts and traditions is raised by him. Indeed, he serves as a symbol to which those of similar demographic circumstances may aspire without bringing detrimental impact to the established distribution of wealth of our great nation. Although in recent years some golfers have raised the concern that the noble composition of this gentleman's game is now threatened, I recall similar unrealized fears being expressed in 1895 when the Women's Amateur tournaments were initiated.

My friends, let me advance the supposition that as music soothes the savage breast, so too can the game of golf: less distinguished members of our society will learn acceptable social graces and appropriate class distinctions through contact with this noble pastime and its traditional enthusiasts. As the business world enjoys many veneers prescribed by need, so too must the preferred sport of the captains of industry. While it is true that Mr. Woods' social artfulness is untested and unproved--and that fact makes certain he will never enjoy a central role in those hallowed draughting rooms where appointed social architects chart our nation's course--let us not underestimate his important role in keeping the media preoccupied and the public appropriately aspirant.

Last, I commend Accenture and Nike for recognizing young Mr. Woods' viability as a marketing device in many successful advertising campaigns. Such visibility ensures further emulation by the public, and although their failure is inevitable, their efforts will curtail their meddling in political matters while ensuring they indulge in ample consumer activity along the way.

To the casual observer, it may appear that Ms. Paris Hilton stands as an antipode to Mr. Woods. While the latter is of aboriginal circumstances and middle-class cultivation, Ms. Hilton comes to us from some of the finest stock who ever hailed from the wide expanses that lie to the west of our northeastern coast. Her great-grandfather was the illustrious Conrad Hilton, a man who possessed entrepreneurial character, fiscal shrewdness, and other traits foremost to the realization of the human spirit. Indeed, it is incumbent upon such great men of industry to produce our nation's future magnates and other rightful heirs to distinction and leadership.

Further, Ms. Hilton and Mr. Woods may appear in contradistinction to one another in respect to occupation and energy expended: while the latter focuses his energies tirelessly toward golf, the occupational activities of the former are elusive. This element of mystery surrounding Ms. Hilton has resulted in obtuse remarks directed at her from the cretinous ranks of society. Such pimple-faced impertinence may seem innocent to the bawdy, plebeian ranks of society, but I recognize it for the class warfare that it most certainly is.

Let us recognize that just as Mr. Woods provides lessons in comportment and catalyzes significant consumer activity, so too does Ms. Hilton. This very visible young lady provides those of less fortunate heredity a symbol toward which they can aspire: attempts to emulate her, although comically uncouth to the cultivated eye, will in fact encourage open pocketbooks and ensure on-going commitment to our country's fine institutions of credit. Further, her idolization by the public makes certain that the news media and the common strata of society are appropriately preoccupied with ephemera, helping ensure they will not resort to brazen scrutiny of the patrician foundation of our great nation. Such analysis by the public could be of ghastly impact should they choose to surface at the polls on election day.

My friends, let me conclude by applauding these two very different young people who share common ground in their eagerness to model traditional social roles and promote proper civic focuses for the conventional ranks of these United States of America.