Aporkalypse Now: Swine Flu, Zombie Outbreak, or Ham of Darkness?
"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with an oink." - TS Eliot
This the beginning of the end. The sky is falling. The earth is warming. The president's airplanes are threatening the New York skyline.
And the pigs. And the birds. And the humans. And the flu are going viral.
If you think Susan Boyle was infectious, you better break out the Tamilflu doses and strap on the ol' SARS mask, 'cuz this swine flu pandemic is going to make M.I.A's avian squawking sound like yesteryear's poetic whimper.
If 10,000 hysterical Tweets per hour can be trusted — and we all know that they can — swine flu is the new bird flu which was the new SARS which was the new WMD which was the new anthrax which was the new mustard gas which was the new nukes.
This panicky pandemic is so dangerous that Israel dares not even call it by its real name and has blamed this deadly "offense" on Mexico.
It is so frighteningly foreign that Michael O'Leary, the CEO of 1 penny flight company Ryanair, has boldly declared that it is "only a risk to Asians and Mexicans living in slums". Ryanair won't be flying to Mexico...ever.
It is so insinuatingly infectious that American conservatives have, in their infinite wisdom, blamed immigrants for the spread of the disease and, specifically, Mexicans that are "purposefully carrying the virus across the border to sabotage the United States".
But who is really to blame for the horror, the horror? This pig-licking little youngster has killed us all.
This mini-Kurtz, this harvester of viral yumminess, has helped the Ham of Darkness and thereby sought an untimely end to all life as we know it — unwittingly striking fear into the dark hearts of beach vactioners the infected world over.
Here are the facts: people are traveling. People are coughing. People are dying.
And then people are coming back to life to haunt us.
That's right. This is no ordinary pig party. This ain't the usual oink-fest that the swine flu pandemic purports itself to be.
Give the dead and dying 28 more days because, certainly, the terror has already been unleashed.
But, perhaps, the most indelible proof of the impending aporkalypse comes from two of Hollywood's most frightening celebrizombies who ventured deep into the hollow depths of the outbreak's terrifying shadow world of half-humans:
"We're definitely wearing the facemasks everywhere we go," Spencer Pratt revealed..."We're not playing -- I'm not trying to get pig flu. We're in isolation, we're in full hiding."
Heidi Montag chimed in: "And for a moment it seemed to me as if I also were buried in a vast grave full of unspeakable secrets. I felt an intolerable weight oppressing my breast, the smell of damp earth, the unseen presence of victorious corruption, the darkness of an impenetrable night..."
Godspeed. And God help us all.