Aporkalypse Now: Swine Flu, Zombie Outbreak, or Ham of Darkness?

by Truemorist | April 28, 2009 at 09:30 am

10828 views | 36 Recommendations | 23 comments

"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with an oink." - TS Eliot

This the beginning of the end. The sky is falling. The earth is warming. The president's airplanes are threatening the New York skyline.

And the pigs. And the birds. And the humans. And the flu are going viral.

If you think Susan Boyle was infectious, you better break out the Tamilflu doses and strap on the ol' SARS mask, 'cuz this swine flu pandemic is going to make M.I.A's avian squawking sound like yesteryear's poetic whimper.

If 10,000 hysterical Tweets per hour can be trusted — and we all know that they can — swine flu is the new bird flu which was the new SARS which was the new WMD which was the new anthrax which was the new mustard gas which was the new nukes.

This panicky pandemic is so dangerous that Israel dares not even call it by its real name and has blamed this deadly "offense" on Mexico.

It is so frighteningly foreign that Michael O'Leary, the CEO of 1 penny flight company Ryanair, has boldly declared that it is "only a risk to Asians and Mexicans living in slums". Ryanair won't be flying to Mexico...ever.

It is so insinuatingly infectious that American conservatives have, in their infinite wisdom, blamed immigrants for the spread of the disease and, specifically, Mexicans that are "purposefully carrying the virus across the border to sabotage the United States".

But who is really to blame for the horror, the horror? This pig-licking little youngster has killed us all.

This mini-Kurtz, this harvester of viral yumminess, has helped the Ham of Darkness and thereby sought an untimely end to all life as we know it — unwittingly striking fear into the dark hearts of beach vactioners the infected world over.

Here are the facts: people are traveling. People are coughing. People are dying.

And then people are coming back to life to haunt us.

That's right. This is no ordinary pig party. This ain't the usual oink-fest that the swine flu pandemic purports itself to be.

Give the dead and dying 28 more days because, certainly, the terror has already been unleashed.

Mexico City is a "strange zombie city" and many of the world's wisest are convinced the virus will sooon mutate and allow the dead to rise again.

But, perhaps, the most indelible proof of the impending aporkalypse comes from two of Hollywood's most frightening celebrizombies who ventured deep into the hollow depths of the outbreak's terrifying shadow world of half-humans:

"We're definitely wearing the facemasks everywhere we go," Spencer Pratt revealed..."We're not playing -- I'm not trying to get pig flu. We're in isolation, we're in full hiding."

Heidi Montag chimed in: "And for a moment it seemed to me as if I also were buried in a vast grave full of unspeakable secrets. I felt an intolerable weight oppressing my breast, the smell of damp earth, the unseen presence of victorious corruption, the darkness of an impenetrable night..."

Godspeed. And God help us all.

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hidflect

at 17:44 on April 28th, 2009

Your humour slays us all.... (no really!)

Disturbingly though, some woman from WHO was on the BBC telling us that travel advisories and restrictions are useless. The BBC woman wisely pointed out that this would seem to be the wrong advice given that travel restriction would seem to always be a good idea, no? No, no! insisted the woman (appearing a little flustered). It makes NO difference at all... modellling tells us this.. yada yada.

"Bull.." I thought. Don't tell me that cancelling the (theoretical) student exchange flight of 1000 youngsters from Mexico to Switzerland would make no difference! The only legitimacy to this idea exists if it comes from air travel and tourism companies listed on stock exchanges around the world. Otherwise it's total bunkum.

I smell the disturbing influence of pork/moneyed interests in WHO's activities...

John stamos (not verified)

at 19:03 on April 28th, 2009

I think that everyone who is infected by this so called "swine/zombie flu" is going to die, then turn into flesh eating man killers!!!!

wata11 (not verified)

at 11:52 on April 29th, 2009

i am looking for good soldiers to help me declare the zombi war.

Sam James (not verified)

at 00:41 on May 1st, 2009

i have swine flooo and this article makes me feel very dehumaised and it makes me cry. stop it now! =[ STOP ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT =D

Trinetterkaiser (not verified)

at 12:48 on April 29th, 2009

Superb post! Grab your machete and run for the hills, the pigs, they are a comin' to get ya!

Jessicayou (not verified)

at 19:59 on April 30th, 2009

Well there needs to be a lot of reading between the lines. The first data gathering was y2k. What would the people do? How will they react? They did just fine, perfect for survival of the human race. Now lets build a freezer away from the impact area for seeds since there will obviously be survivors. Now lets create a panic and a war to see how reactions are. Everyone is still controllable, great and still stocking up. Now lets take all there money away and see what they do. Great still controllable and buying supplies. Now lets create a panic pandemic and see how they react. Great controllable as ever and stocking up on supplies. Now lets spring it on them. There is a real star gate being made and it will work, it CERNtainly will. You see, they must come before the asteroid hits. Only they can save us. Whoever THEY are.

Scurvy (not verified)

at 07:17 on May 3rd, 2009

I wondered how long until Aporkalypse would come into wide spread circulation. Just after the reported cases started multiplying, a co-worker decided to come up with a new term for the swine flu, and you guessed it....Aporkalypse was it!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (not verified)

at 13:25 on May 3rd, 2009

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RUN AWAY!

james russell (not verified)

at 06:46 on May 7th, 2009

http://bouncewith.me.uk/europe/8027043.htm is a FAKE bbc page. this article can not be found on the bbc website anywhere. its just a hoaks and shouldn't be taking seriously!.

finally why would the BBC host a page on bouncewith.me.uk and not use there own domain name??...

Quaintly.tumblr.com

Rhonda J Mangus

at 15:11 on April 28th, 2009

Great piece, Truemorist! Thanks!

albertacowpoke

at 15:25 on April 28th, 2009

Excellent article. It puts it all in perspective. :)

hidflect

at 23:33 on April 28th, 2009

I'm... gonna need to see some statistical data on that one John! lol

Sam James (not verified)

at 00:43 on May 1st, 2009

I have swine flooo and this article makes me feel very dehumaised and it makes me cry. stop it now! =[ STOP ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT =D

ILY xx

Ben Brazier - 55 Perryhall Road, Orpington, UK (not verified)

at 00:46 on May 1st, 2009

NAAAAAAAH DNO WAT UR TLKIN BOUT MATEW

Anon12345 (not verified)

at 11:52 on May 1st, 2009

http://bouncewith.me.uk/europe/8027043.htm

/|\

Proof that the living dead have begun to appear god save us all

Williamat

at 16:13 on May 5th, 2009

This is a pretty ignorant comment.

Williamat

at 16:14 on May 5th, 2009

Very smart. I like your insight to a situation that people are taking o` so lightly. I'll be excitecd to hear more.

bob bob (not verified)

at 02:37 on July 8th, 2009

its a load of rubbish there is no such thing as zombies

someone who cares about nothing (not verified)

at 02:40 on July 8th, 2009

i do belive the recent events but i also think people are over reacting

lewisaro (not verified)

at 02:41 on July 8th, 2009

i do believe in zombies and the paronormal recently lots of weird stuff has been happening to me

like for instance something will happen then some else will happen later and they are linked somehow and i also get a lot of dajavoo and when im walking home through the woods i see stuff in the shadows

just the other day me and my friends seen a man down there and his face had been slightly cut up and there was blood all over his tshirt

so we just ran back home and now we always walk through there together rather than alone

.....lewisaro.....

omen 666 (not verified)

at 02:44 on July 8th, 2009

i do belive in the recent events although i do also belive that people are over reacting

omen 666 (not verified)

at 10:36 on July 8th, 2009

i found out a short while ago that some body in corsham secondry school has got swine flu although there is no evidence that he is as described a zombie so lewisaro keep watch because i know who you are and i kow you know who i am and e both pass the school so keep a watch out if you see eny thing weird contact me..... omen 666

Leslie O. (not verified)

at 09:37 on August 12th, 2009

The apocalypse is coming. Let's eat Apocalypse Cakes in celebration! http://apocalypsecakes.wordpress.com/2009/06/14/leviticus-i-told-you-so-aporkalypse-pie/