Buy XXX....or else!

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Gavin wants to learn.....about XXX

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I just viewed what could be some of the cheapest, funniest, most overtly skeevy TV commercials ever produced. The objective, physical quality of them is one thing but for me, the truly dirty aspect actually lays in the sales pitch clearly delivered to sods like me: buy this all-new product or something very, very bad is going to happen to you.

Now that’s way worse than simply making some stupidly grand claim about all the wonderfulness that awaits should you deign to purchase the product on offer. Oh no – this is a bona fide threat about horrible things coming to pass should you make the egregious mistake of passing up on their generous offer to “protect yourself”. Talk about sinister undertones. By this point you have got to be wondering what in blue blazes I’m even talking about. Well, it’s all about the porn, baby. You have got to protect yourself from being associated with porn.

Back in 1998 the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (aka ICANN) was formed as a non-profit corporation (headquartered in Marina del Rey, California no less) to oversee various internet-related tasks previously handled by the US government. Things like ensuring the overall stable and secure operation of the internet and coordinating the global internet's system of unique identifiers, which basically means thinking up (and organizing) the numerous addresses and identifiers we have all learned to know and love. Tags like .com, .ca, .net, .org, .uk, .gov and so on are now part of our reality and we have ICANN to thank for them.

 One of the more recent brilliant ideas the sun-soaked chaps in Cali dreamt up was to create a brand new domain tag that would be a game changer for internet porn. The big idea was that by introducing the .xxx domain identifier, all adult (read: hardcore porn) websites would adopt the easy-to-remember tag and voluntarily sequester themselves into a sort of digital red light district. In turn, it was believed this action would subsequently make it easier for non-porn seeking folks to block access to such domains and more effectively “protect the children.” The reality? Quite different, it would seem.

The new addresses haven’t exactly been flying off the shelves. You see, actual porn purveyors are not all that interested in setting up shop in an area that might be easier to stigmatize (and block) and would rather stay put. This means the plan to ghetto-ize the porn world isn’t working particularly well. Never fear though. There are addresses to be sold and a new target buyer is needed. Say hello to www.buy.xxx that wants you to buy the .xxx domain tied to your own name or business before someone else does. I’m not kidding.

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Operation X: Mission Start

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The first ad of theirs I saw was titled “Operation: Mission Start” which featured a weirdly intense, bearded dude named Gavin wearing a bow tie and dressed in a university prof’s ex-suit-jacket. He is working as a drone at some nameless office where he is shrieked at by his abusive boss. She actually refers to him in-commercial as a “nerd with a homeless man’s facial hair.” Harpie-Boss then tasks him to find out everything he can about the .xxx domain name, screaming relentlessly at him and insisting he take two ridiculously well-endowed, short-skirted hotties with him. What her business actually may be is less than clear but his new job is not: find out why folks are buying the new .xxx domain identifier.

No question, the ads in this series are simply bizarre. In one, Gavin approaches a black street gang and wants to know why they’re buying the .xxx version of their name. They immediately take exception (umbrage even) to being called a gang, claim they are in fact an organization (script note: the huge breasted gals have run off by now) and then launch into a dissertation on the benefits they offer to their members. As the rant intensifies Gavin hauls off and smacks one of them across the face – and then realizing his mortal error runs briskly away.

Another features  a supposedly “real” businessman meeting with our bearded dude at some massive boardroom table where he calmly explains that he is buying the domain name not to establish a porn site but to protect the reputation of his legitimate businesses. While this occurs Gavin has sent his “assistants” to rub and grind their rather ample assets against the businessman, making him hot under the collar for no discernable reason. Another uses hot dog cart vendors, a bird watcher, balloon fetish and even a sheep farmer (yes, they really did go there too). Poor taste? Oh yeah, but in an oddly strange and sickly hilarious fashion.

Still, as potentially deconstructive (or just plain dumb) as the spots themselves may be, the most disturbing part remains the underlying pitch: Dear Normal Business Owner or Random Person - Buy these .xxx addresses before some low-life buys your brand or name with a .xxx tag and posts smutty pics on it. It sounds like a protection racket, and it’s being utilized by all manner of web-address re-sellers, from seemingly solid blokes like register.com or networksolutions.com all the way down to the infantile chunk-blowers “running” godaddy.com. Are regular folks really so stupid that they’re going to fall for this obviously (and extremely cynically) manufactured threat to their virtual existence? Do we really have to shell out cold cash to stop seamy sex sites from dragging our internet names through the mud? Lord I hope not but dumber things have sold better before. Remember The Snuggie? I guess we really do get what we deserve.