Know first, that even as you read this I am absolutely certain no one actually cares. I expect no tears, no re-dress, not even the slightest of nods from some deep-closeted sympathizer. No, as one of the most structurally abused non-minorities the modern world has ever seen I have come to accept that bemoaning my situation will get me tagged zip-quick as some kind of knuckle-dragging, misogynistic Klansman. Such is the sad reality of my white male Caucasian self. If I dislike Spike Lee or Obama, I’m a racist. If I want my wife to bake a cake or take my name I’m a sexist. If I hire a guy over a woman it’s a crime and when I hold a door open for a lady it’s because of some paternalistic impulse to subjugate her freedom as she moves within my own personal realm of control. I gotta say, it’s exhausting being this offensive.
Still, there was one area of life where things let up a bit. A safe zone. A playground where the usual rules ceased to apply - the beer commercial. Now I’m not saying every beer ad is perfection personified but one must admit that the PC world as we know it tends to ease once the hopped up world of sudsy sales has been entered. Thanks to their escapist nature, beer ads have long provided a place where guys could safely hang with their buddies, ogle girls and do stupid stuff. It’s not much, but really, it’s all we had. At least until those bucktongs at Corona went and took it away.
You know the ad – the one with the hottie in the white bikini. Dude and his lady are sitting on a beach watching the surf, frosty Coronas at the ready. Super hottie in her two-piece happens on by and buddy makes the classic mistake of looking directly into the sun. He stares and stares and then stares some more, clearly annoying his silent partner. Now any guy will admit that getting punished, at least in some way, for this kind of faux pas is valid. You owe your lady respect and staring at some chick you didn’t arrive with is just rude. Corona knew it too and they played the ad straight, nailing dude with a sensible amount of retribution for the sin at hand – he got squirted him in the face with a lime. Fair enough. I had no basic quibble with the spot.
Fast forward to 2010. Corona’s got a brand new take on the wandering eye as we travel back to the same beach with the same couple, enjoying the same pristine surf and sand. As before, two frosty brews sit ready to be imbibed when lo and behold an ultra- hunky male hottie goes cruising on by the front of them. Hottie Man is pretty ripped and our lady just starts drinking it in as she tracks and tracks and tracks him. The gal is not backing down even when beach stud has long passed. Her man (shoe now firmly on the other foot) is obviously ticked. Still, she keeps on looking even though Stu Studly has passed. Well buddy’s had enough. He reaches over and gives her unopened beer a really good shake – ensuring a not-so-subtle suds bath when she pops the top - payback for her wandering eye. But hold on. Our lady finally turns back and as she goes to pop the primed pilsner she stops and then grabs the other one – simultaneously offering the bottle opener to buddy in the most condescending of ways. No payback, no re-balancing of the karma – nothing. How in the frazbot is that fair? It’s not funny. It really jagged me off actually. I mean why does buddy get it in the face while she not only gets to stare but can then act all superior about it? Cause she’s smarter? Cause he’s dumber? Please. I have to say, this ad just crawled up my butt in such a big way that I’m going to need a brand new excuse to ever buy Corona again ‘cause those zagnuts have really ticked me off here.
Clearly, sexual equality does not exist for the average guy. It never did. My own white Caucasian male issues aside, I don’t know how we could have ever believed we were on top the population pyramid. We certainly didn’t lose any power because we never had it. What changed is that someone convinced the double X’s they had less juice than they did, creating a movement that has re-shaped the world like few others. Where does it go from here? With quivering simps like me getting all heated up over beer commercial slights our side clearly doesn’t have much hope. I guess for the ladies the biggest risk is that they might actually achieve equality someday, effectively dropping them a good 8 to 10 pegs from their current position. Amazing, when you think about it. They used to be way too smart for that.
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Nyack, New York, United States