End Times: Why gold is the way to go (and Mr. T is already there)

by AdFool | November 5, 2010 at 02:51 pm

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They say that when times are tough, most rich folks turn to gold. That is, when you find you just can’t figure out the Snidely Whiplashes of the stock market or trust the braying rhetoric of oily politicians it’s time to get serious about turning “worthless” paper money into some forever metal and burying it in the basement by the furnace. Yes, when even the formerly “safe” haven of real estate starts popping like so much Hubba Bubba gum the smart money notes the wind change and turns itself to gold, safeguarding whatever value still remains. This is why the price of gold is hitting new highs these days. At least I think it is. Maybe there’s some brand new fashion trend coming on that features women wearing too much makeup and dripping jewellery like Texas trophy wives, but I really doubt it.

No, gold is hot and that means with lots of buyers there’s going to be oodles of companies looking to provide for their need. And what better place could the re be for modern-day prospectors to strike gold than in the closets of ma and pa normal citizen? It’s kind of heartbreaking actually. That gold chain you took a mortgage out on to officially prove your love is now worth more to you and the wife as a Caribbean vacation – or maybe food for the table. But why not, right? By now, your spousal love is secured by a few extra pounds, several kids, and a mess of shared credit cards. Why not cash in that chain, ring or tacky bottle cap pin and get something you really want – like a Craftmatic adjustable bed with Sobakawa pillows and matching Snuggies. Thankfully, to do so you don’t have to fight the twitchy hoards at the local pawn shop to make your sleepy-time dreams come true. Currently there are dozens of online firms that specialize in buying your gold and (apparently) paying top dollar for it – without ever making you leave the comfort of your own home. My absolute favourite is Gold Promise and it’s really for one simple reason alone – they got Mr. T to pitch for them.

Talk about hitting one right out of the park. When a 30-40 year-old man child like myself thinks of gold, Mr. T and his ludicrously draped torso are not far behind. The man displayed and (somehow) carried a literal Fort Knox worth of gold around his neck throughout my formative years. How he can still walk upright (and in a straight line) with no visibly apparent spinal damage has got to be a biological miracle of some kind. Maybe he had counterweights sewn into his butt or something…. Sorry, I digress.

Look, the spots are hilarious. Gold Promise brings us an almost ageless Mr. T (seriously, whatever kind of hair dye and fitness routine this man is employing works wonders. Even his Mohawk is plausible – whether it’s an aftermarket appliance or not. The commercial spot opens with him sporting his friendliest demeanour. “Hello Friends, recently I’ve decided to sell a few gold chains. And now with that money, I’m trying something new.” In this case, something new is golf and no word of a lie, watching Clubber Lang work his away around a golf course in the gorkiest link attire imaginable is freakin’ hilarious. Say what you will about the man but until the day he dies (and perhaps well beyond) he will be the absolute epitome of adolescent cool.

The forceful, and yet still frighteningly angry delivery remains. His rage bubbles, just below the surface even as he makes one heckuva charismatic case for selling whatever gold his audience possesses to his new buddies at Gold Promise. Add to that, the realization of Gold Promise’s own set of brass ones for even being willing to deal with Mr. T in the first place. He may be older now and use an agent for contracts and such but I doubt very much he’d think twice about removing some executive’s arms if he figured they were trying to screw him in any way whatsoever.

Anyway, while the overall idea of BA Baracus settling into a lazy life of retirement golf and spa adventures (the other spot in the series) is kind of comforting I can’t help but wonder what happens when he finally sells that last strand of precious metal from around his bull-thick neck. Again, the main reason he’s getting such a great deal on his gold is due to the societal fear that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. How does the one-time action star reconcile the two? In reality, instead of selling his hoard he ought to be wearing even more than he did before – so he can trade it for provisions (or guns!) when the end finally comes. I guess when you’re a guy like Mr. T you can more than afford to sell some chains now and get top dollar. If civilization actually collapses there is really no better equipped person to run outside and start forcefully taking his share back again. And I pity the fool who tries to stop him.