Evolution: Harmony through Social Discord

Esteemed readers, I recently perused an Internet forum concerning the topic of evolution. I began following a thread by two individuals, and, reading from mid-stream, I detected in their exchange a disturbing civility:

Person A: That relates to the entire genome.
Person B: Exactly, so if we’re talking about haploid chromosomes, I’m not sure we have a good indicator for evolution.
Person A: I think I follow you, but what I’m getting at is we need to be considering mitochondrial DNA.
Person B: Mitochondrial DNA, you’re right, that’s why I’m saying we don’t have a good indicator for gene inheritance without that determination.

As this thread evolved over the following days, I was relieved to find that the two found it necessary to take recourse in new rhetorical strategies for making their respective points:

Person A: Duuuuh!! That was my point, genius. I bet U were the smartest kid in Sunday School.
Person B: Monkey Nuts, UR making the case against natural selection every time U type.

I am pleased that evolution continues to divide our voting populace. No issue is capable of consuming the common ranks of our society as is the mixture of a carnival with a crusade.

If one weary day insubstantial yet incendiary social issues cease to separate our voters, those who occupy the conventional ranks of society might allow their attentions to be directed toward matters economic, a dangerous gateway issue which quickly leads to scrutiny of our time-honored civic divisions, distribution of wealth, and foreign policy. My friends, any genuine attempt toward resolution of our insubstantial yet divisive social controversies is tantamount to class warfare.

It is therefore essential that those of common stock - should they find it necessary to trespass in political affairs - confine such meddling to expressions of outrage in accordance with the designs of our sage captains of industry: Waxing pugilistic regarding the teaching of evolution, displaying histrionic indignation against flag-burning, slipping into pietistic shock over gay marriage. Such rumpus has been engineered by our great nation’s civic shepherds as appropriate avenues of diversion for the button-down ranks.

Attempts by the huddling flock to redress these divisive issues will certainly be met with failure: the inherent mootness of such controversies ensures that on each and every election day the surfacing masses will once again overlook abstruse fiscal proposals and instead - filled with outrage and indignation arising from social hullabaloo - vote in compliance with the recondite agenda scripted by those vigilant, well-cultivated magnates who steer these United States of America.

Toward this end, evolution stands as vanguard. Although some have suggested advances in science will one day remove all controversy concerning this supremely important social distraction, I recall similar observations being expressed in 1925 during the Scopes Monkey Trial. And yet today, evolution proves as capable as ever of casting its agitating spell over the designated strata of society.