Forget Twitter--How Many Nigerian Scammers Follow You? UPDATE 2

So what if @aplusk has well over four million Twitter followers, with @britneyspears and @TheEllenShow closing in? That doesn’t mean us regular folk, with 74 followers, have to hang our heads in social media shame. Having millions of Nigerian scam emails cluttering our inboxes has got to count for something.  

I’ll be glad to go head-to-head with Ashton over who gets more requests to relieve dying folks of the burden of $25,000,000.00 estates. That's not counting the ones I’ve deleted, which shows that I value quality over quantity, unlike certain celebrity grandstanders. 

Which still leaves me with access to about $3,000,000,000.00 (yes, billion) cash, should I choose to send a pittance by Western Union to seal the remaining deals. How much direct income can Ashton claim from being the Twitter king? 

None? 

My most modest UK Online Lotto winning stands to bring me $500,000.00 United States Dollars, thanks to followers Mssrs. Godson and Hillton, while a Confirmable Bank Draft of $1,000,000.00 United States Dollars (for which Mrs. Patricia Wood of Nigeria has paid “the Security Keeping Fee, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attacking your Country”) could buy a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood under today’s depressed market conditions.  

Mrs. Susan Jones of Kuwait wants me to use the$8,600,000.00 she’s offering me “for the less privilege [sic].” David A. Garfield, Chief Campaign Officer, Barack Obama Campaign Office [London division?], urges me to do the same with £10,000,000.00 in “excess funds [originally intended for] clearing debts owed by Mrs Hillary Clinton during her campaign programs.” I could go on. 

But why bother with unvetted foreigners throwing money at me when I have been honored by an offer of USD $11,000,000.00 from a verified American, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III?

I know I can put my confidence in him because his email address is fbi.director@btconnect.com, and you can’t fake a thing like that. And unlike Mrs. Wood, who expected me to cough up a $200 delivery charge (“I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage”), Robert S. says I only have to pay “$90.00 via Money Gram Transfer for the procurement of your Approval Slip after which the delivery of your ATM CARD will be effected to your designated home address without any further delay.” 

I will be able to withdraw “a maximum of $4000 to $5000 United States Dollars daily…from any ATM MACHINE CENTER anywhere in the world…” so I should have no trouble living off my windfall as long as I stick to a reasonable budget.  

It turns out the FBI has been monitoring my email for my own good and found out in the nick of time that “you are having an illegal Transaction with Impostors claiming to be Mr. Tito Mboweni Republic of the Reserve Bank Of South African [sic], Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr Frank Nweke” and more, some of them “impostors claiming to be the Federal Bureau Of Investigation!”  [Exclamation point mine.] 

The real Federal Bureau of Investigation—the one with the fbi.director@btconnect.com email address--seems not to have noticed that I sent the fake emails straight to the Deleted folder without responding, though I am glad they are being protective of me as a US citizen. 

I feel so sorry for all the people who’ve been robbed by the scams.

Not so bright John Rempel, 22, of Leamington, Canada paid the scammers $150,000.00, apparently including thousands for a cleanser that turns coated bills into legal tender.

Poor Janella Spears of Sweet Home, Oregon got taken for $400,000.00 by Nigerian emails that said her help was needed by both then-President Bush and an obviously fake “Robert Muller”—notice the misspelling of the FBI director’s name.

Janella wiped out her husband’s retirement account and more, even after her family, her bank and everyone else she knew warned her to quit sending the money.  She finally threw in the towel when the Oregon Department of Justice threatened to charge her with a crime if she sent any more cash to Nigeria. 

Lots of sites have sprung up to educate people about how to fight back against these scams, though the only thing other than prison that could have stopped Janella would be a book or movie deal, and, surprisingly, I haven’t heard word of either. 

Not that I have any cause for concern. As soon as Robert S. Mueller III hands me my $11,000,000.00, I’ll be on easy street.

Which means I’m now free to pass on to you my recent email from Ben S. Bernanke, Chairman Federal Reserve Bank New York, AKA benbernan47@msn.com.  

What a down to earth guy. Despite being Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, Ben assures me that, as soon as I get back to him “with the reconfirmation of [my] banking particulars,” he’ll deposit $10,500,000.00 in my account.  And it’s not as if he’d go back on his word, with confirmation for a second Federal Reserve term hanging over his head.

Don't worry, I’ll manage fine with the $11,000,000.00 from the FBI. I can get Ben’s millions to you as soon as you reconfirm your banking particulars and send me a mere $90 for the Approval Slip, along with $100,000.00…or so…for a bottle of money cleaning liquid.

UPDATE: If you get an email from Ben--or decide to take me up on my offer regarding the $10,500,000.00 I no longer am in need of--I suggest that you hold off for a while. His term ends at the end of January and there is some indication that he will NOT be given a second term. This could have a strong negative impact on your $10,500,000.00. I urge you. Wait and see how this plays out, unless you are in dire need of a few million dollars and are prepared to handle the transaction by Express mail. 

UPDATE 2: Despite misgivings by some, Bernanke was approved for a second term! This means he's good for the $10,500,000.00 after all, so your $90 approval slip payment will not go to waste.