G.I. Joe Review: Rise of the Cobra, Fall of a Franchise

While fans Hasbro toy franchise may revel in a bit of nostalgia, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is largely a cartoonish, over-the-top action fest propelled by silly writing, inconsistent visual effects, and merely passable performances.

Yes, this film is best enjoyed if you're an 11-year-old boy - or a grown-up man who just drank four cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

But it's hard to deny that the first two-thirds of "G.I. Joe" is an enjoyable film, especially when graded on the curve of lowered expectations. Compared to other big-budget movies out this summer, it's pretty mediocre. But as a movie that no one thought would be any good because it's based on an action figure that isn't even a foot tall any more, it wildly succeeds.

The only collateral damage is in the audience, where, as you sit through the movie, you can feel your IQ drop minute by minute.

G.I. Joe is like watching fireworks with a blindfold on: it's deafening and you feel under attack. The story makes no sense—why does the Eiffel Tower topple over after being covered in sparkling slime? And worst of all: Sienna Miller and Channing Tatum, a charismatic guy whom The New York Times once compared to Marlon Brando, have the chemistry of two ice cubes.

Playing more like a highlight reel from an established franchise than a movie intended to launch it, “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” interrupts its barrage of CGI action for only the barest minimum of anything resembling character development.