Game of Thrones S01E03 Review & Recap: 'Lord Snow'
Game of Thrones S01E03 Recap- Spoiler Alert
Ned Stark has arrived in King's Landing, and is in town for about six seconds before he's in a dick-measuring contest with
Sir ShagsHisSisteraLot Jaime Lannister. Jaime can't keep from fucking with Ned, even though Ned is played by Sean Bean.
Ned Stark has a quick meeting, though the King is busy getting drunk/laid/both. Ned learns that he's now in charge of managing a kingdom in similar economic condition to California. Dang.
Meanwhile, Joffrey Lannister is keenly aware of what a bitch he is, as his mom, Queen Cersei, mends his wolf bite. Is it me, or did the bite make Joffrey grow as quickly as the wolves? He seems way taller. Anyway, Joffrey is on about how, when he's king, he'll be Muammar Gaddafi and crush the north. This guy really hates wolves. That's cool, because wolves really hate him.
At any rate, Cersei says she'll be Joffrey's wingman whenever he wants to get some action. She's banging her brother; we can't help but wonder if her son is also fair game. It's gross, but still. Not out of the question.
The Arya and Sansa are fighting because Sansa lied about what a bitch Joffrey was in the face of a butcher's son and a wolf. We learn that Ned is a pretty with-it dad, not only does he have his little son watch him chop a dude's head off and give his kids wolves as pets, but he's also cool with his little girl owning a sword.
We learn that "winter is coming" isn't just something that sounds cool in a Northern accent (winter ez koomin'), but a Winterfell (or Stark) slogan, meaning "watch each other's backs".
Meanwhile, back at Winterfell, Bran and, who, his nurse? are busy acting out the Peter Falk/Fred Savage scenes from The Princess Bride. She's telling him about the heinous winters that are matched only by those of Canada. Looks like Bran is also lying about the Lannisters, and saying that he fell from the tower, rather than being pushed by Jaime
Incester Lannister. Robb Stark confirms that Bran's leg is basically fooked.
Catelyn Stark has made it to King's Landing, where she's brought to a whorehouse by
Mayor Carcetti Petyr Baelish, and drops the slang bomb "Back-Alley Sally", which was also a rude nickname for a friend of mine from East London, who really hated being called that. Wait, WTF?! The dagger used in the weak-ass aborted hit on Bran Stark was owned by Tyrion Lannister?
Up at the wall, Sir Pimpsalot himself is looking hung-over as hell, watching Jon Snow demonstrate that, though he may be a bastard, he's pretty good at the family business, which is ass-kicking.
Ned gets a message via
Back-Alley Sally Catelyn is in town!
Tyrion saves Jon from a nasty death, and tells him that Bran has woken up. I guess Tyrion follows Bran on Raven, too.
Wow, Jaime looks like Prince Charming in Shrek 2. Catelyn Stark is sure that the Lannisters are behind the attempts on Bran's life. She's right about the first one, at least. Ned's playing this one by the book, rattling on about "proof" and "checking with the king". Catelyn just wants to sic the wolves on the Lannisters.
Meanwhile, the King is wasted, and is in a mean mood: he's taking about beating a dude to death, and then starts laying into the Lannisters.
Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea, the Lollapalooza tour continues, obviously headlined by Jane's Addiction. No, hang on, my bad. It's the Dothraki, led by Khal Drogo and Daenerys, his rape-bride, who was previously the incest-lover of Julian Assange. It's a long story.
Daenerys stops to take a piss, but Viserys insists on being a douchebag, referring to himself in the third person as The
Situation Dragon. So lame. The Dothraki aren't impressed, either, and only Daenerys keeps them from killing him, for some reason.
At the moment, Daenerys has way more power than her snotty brother, and she's starting to realize it. He's the Dothraki's bitch now.
Up at The Wall, Jon Snow takes the elevator to the top, and looks out over the endless winter stretched out before him. Benjen Stark tells Jon that he won't be a ranger after all, and must stay behind while Benjen and company ride out into the cold-as-hell forest. We find out a bit more about what scares the Night's Watch: not just the Wildlings, which are basically just people, but things called White Walkers. Supernatural stuff.
Basically, it's been summer for nine years, and now winter is coming… and all kinds of fucked-up shit is headed south, and the Watch is nowhere near ready for it. Maybe the Night's Watch should bring in some wolves: they're the only ones who seem to take care of business in Winterfell.
Peter Dinklage's RP accent is kind of weird, but it suits his character. Tyrion seems like he'd be fun to hang out with, even when he disses you to your face. Hey, he pees off a giant ice wall like a boss.
Looks like Daenerys is pregnant. Her servant says, "It's a blessing from the Great Stallion". Take that how you will.
Back at King's landing, Cool Dad Ned has arranged sword-fighting lessons for his littlest girl. That's what you call an investment.
Overall, I give this review three and a half bloodthirsty dire wolves out of five. While we got plot advancement, back-story, and some fantastic one-liners, there was a distinct lack of action and… how do I put this… people getting attacked by wolves.