Game of Thrones S01E10 Recap & Review: Season Finale
Game of Thrones S01E10 Review: Season Finale
The Game of Thrones season finale begins with President Obama confirming the death of Ned Stark. Actually, the headsman holds up Ned's head. Welcome to Episode 10: "Fire and Blood". Ned's dead, and Arya Stark is in the arms of… some guy who keeps calling her "boy". That's Yaron, the guy who recruits (as it were) for the Night's Watch, right?
Yaron cuts off Arya's hair. I think her ninja training is about to go to Phase 2. Yaron's taking Arya oop north. Meanwhile, Sansa Stark just faints. Be fair, now. Her dad's head just got cut off, and some of the blood probably got on her. Look, stop making us relive Ned Stark's death. Seriously.
Visions of Death in Winterfell
Tyra Mail! Bran Stark sees the raven and walks-- OK, so we know it's a dream. In real life, Bran is on the shoulders of the Wilding woman who tried to rob him (turnabout is fair play), and he's getting her to carry him down into the crypt, where, in the dream, he saw his father. Wow.
Bran takes Ms. Wilding through the crypt, which is a who's-who of Starks who have been wronged, mainly by Targaryens. It's as if-- wait, what the fuck?! Was that a monster? No… it's a dire wolf! Yes! It belongs to Rickon, the youngest of the Family Stark. Ms. Wilding is terrified of the wolf. Maybe because it's snarling viciously. Rickon saw a vision of Ned in the crypt, too. The two boys had the same dream at the same time. So, unless they're both in Dom Cobb's dream, then they can be sure that Ned is not doing well.
Tyra Mail! Looks like Ned Stark is… well, you know.
Looks like Catelyn Stark heard the bad news, too, out at her army's camp. Robb Stark is taking his rage out on a tree. This is unhealthy behavior: he should be taking it out on Jaime Lannister. He's going to need a new sword. He vows to kill every last Lannister. To be honest, not a bad plan. Catelyn is in, as soon as they get back Sansa and Arya.
Tongue Action (Not HBO Sex)
Some minstrel is singing a song about Robert Baratheon's death. Joffrey Lannister is still throwing his weight around: he has the guy's tongue cut out and then goes on break. Jeez, what a dickhead. Joffrey is still hitting on Sansa. He still has no game at all. He's like, "As soon as you have your first period, I'll be shagging you." Actually, these days, I think that line works in junior high. No, he ruins it by showing Sansa her dad's head on a spike. And Septa's head, too. What a rhymes-with-runt.
Joffrey talks some shit about killing the rest of the Starks. Sansa talks shit back. Joffrey
hits her gets someone else to hit her, since he's a cowardly little bitch. Even The Hound thinks Joffrey is an psycho asshole. Wow.
The King of the North
Team Stark is arguing about which Baratheon should be king: Renly or Stannis. They say "fook it" and declare Robb Stark the King of the North. The King of the Nooorth!
This changes the game, actually. Now it's not about re-establishing the Baratheon rule, but about introducing a new contender for multi-kingdom leadership. Catelyn celebrates by violating the Geneva Convention on Jaime Lannister's face. I think Jaime's "There are no men like me… only me" is in the running for Line of the Night. Jaime confesses to pushing Bran out of the tower in Episode One, but doesn't say why. Catelyn should be torturing the shit out of him to find out why he pushed her son to what was nearly his death, but the script says to walk away, so she walks away. Really, though: at this point, does it matter why Jaime did it?
Team Lannister: Different Senses of the Word 'Fucked'
What, Cersei is fucking somebody other than her brother? It's her cousin, Lancel. He was Robert Baratheon's squire. At least she's consistent.
Team Lannister is discussing how badass Robb Stark and his wolf are. Apparently Robb is Rambo, and the wolf is Commando. More exposition: both Renly and Stannis are taking up arms against House Lannister. Tyrion Lannister (i.e. the smartest guy in the room) gently reminds the others that there's no chance for peace, thanks to Joffrey being a total rhymes-with-glasshole.
Tywin Lannister wants to make rescuing Jaime the top priority. He appoints Tyrion as Hand of the King. He's being sent down to King's Landing to keep Joffrey (and Cersei) in line. Shit. Hand of the King. It's safer to work the night shift at a convenience store.
It's Not Daenerys Day
Okay, bad news. Daenerys Targaryen's son was stillborn. No Stallion who will Mount the World. Apparently he had… birth defects. The witch says he looked like, well, a dragon. Basically, the horse wasn't the price for Khal Drogo's survival. It was the baby. That's hardcore.
The Dothraki warriors abandoned Khal Drogo, who I guess is just Drogo now. He's technically alive, but we're into Dr. Kevorkian territory now: there's no quality of life. He can't speak or move. The witch did this on purpose: payback for multiple rapes, and payback is a bitch with a stainless-steel strap-on.
Daenerys tries to coax Drogo back into action by giving him a sponge bath and practicing her Dothraki (which is really good). When she says "our first ride", I don't think she's talking about horses, you dig?
Daenerys pulls the plug. Khal Drogo is dead. Shit. I was really hoping to see him beat the shit out of Joffrey Baratheon before killing him in some hideous fashion.
Jon Rides South... Then North
Up at The Wall, Jon Snow is going to ride south to fuck Joffrey's shit up. Sam doesn't want him to go. Jon doesn't care what Sam thinks, and leaves The Wall with his trusty dire wolf. His friends follow him, and try to change his mind. They bring him the cool wolf-sword.
Tyrion is telling Shae, his favorite whore, that he can't bring her to King's Landing because his father is a rhymes-with-runt (his words, not mine). For that reason, Tyrion wants to bring her anyway. HBO sex ensues.
Some old guy with a ZZ Tip beard i(Pycell?) s expounding on what sort of king Joffrey will turn out to be while Ros is busy being naked, having just had HBO sex with the guy. I can only presume that the guy is suffering from temporary blindness. I know for a fact that Ros is bored. Oh, wait, he's wearing a translucent gown, too. Jeez, this episode is brutal. You know what, though? This guy is obviously not a decrepit as he wants people to think.
It Takes Balls to Not Have Balls
Petyr Baelish is staring at the Iron Throne as The Spider winds him up. Petyr Baelish goes for the cheap shot: making fun of The Spider's castration. Spidey usurps Jaime for Line of the Night: "Do you lie awake at night, fearing my gash?" Gold.
Joffrey interrupts their weird dick-measuring contest.
Arya Seriously Stepping to Me?
Arya has short hair, with these sideburn thingies. Call her Ary now. Well, nobody will ever figure that one out, right? She's going up north with the next batch of Night's Watch candidates. Yaron warns her that they're a bunch of hard cases. Ooh, two punks are bullying Arya. It goes as well as you'd expect: with Arya totally pwning the fat kid. Fuck with Ary? You'll be sorry.
That blacksmith kid, King Robert's bastard son, steps in to ace Arya up. Small world, huh?
North of North
Jon Snow is back at The Wall. I guess the guilt trip worked. Jeor Mormont says that weird shit is going on north of The Wall. The Wildings say that the tribes are uniting for some unknown purpose. Jeor says (and he's kind of right) that a horde of frikkin' zombies is way more pressing an issue than whatever bullshit is going on down south. He tells Jon to come out with him as a ranger.
Jon is in. They ride north to see what the fuck is going on, and to try and find Benjen Stark.
Death and Birth, Dothraki-Style
Daenerys is going to burn Khal Drogo's body, along with the dragon eggs she was given as a rape-wedidng present. She recruits those who stayed behind as a new army of free men and women. As for the witch… well, it's not Witch Day. Daenerys Stormborn has the witch tied to the pier and then she sparks that shit up like Cheech Marin lighting a spliff. She then walks straight into the funeral pyre.
The next morning brings an awesome sight: not just Daenerys Targaryen still alive… not just Daenerys Targaryen nude… but Daenerys Targaryen with three baby dragons. Three. Baby. Dragons. Jorah Mormont, and the rest of us, go "WTF?!" If your driver's license says "Lannister", you should probably invest in some adult diapers. Actually, if you live anywhere in the Seven Kingdoms, you should at least entertain a degree of concern.
That's how you end a season.
This episode gets three out of five snarling dire wolves.
Three out of three baby dragons.
Five out of five political backstabbings.
Three extra points for Arya schooling someone twice her size.
Six extra points for the dragons (two points per dragon), both the reveal and the execution: those CGI dragons looked pretty good, come on.
No acts of Khal Drogo badassery, so that costs the episode a point. I don't make the rules.
This episode, IMHO, was not quite as strong as Episode 9, but it still had a lot going for it. Mainly we see the massive sea change in the Dothraki camp, as well as the fissures forming in House Lannister. Also, dragons: the tone of this fantasy show just changed. While I prefer as much Tyrion action as possible, it's useful to see him in his more pensive moments. Even still he's getting some ass, so there you go.
Episode MVP: Jack Gleeson as Joffrey Baratheon. Wow, I hated him more than ever. What a prick. Joffrey, not Jack.
I gotta say, this series surprised me. I yelled at the screen when Ned died, and I cheered every time Tyrion did something awesome. I clawed my hands whenever Joffrey was a little bitch-ass fuckwad, and I puzzled over what Petyr's endgame was. That's good television. Bring on Season Two, where we can only hope to see some wolf-vs-dragon action.
That said, I hope that Game of Thrones will retain its earthiness, and not have loads of dragons running around lighting stuff on fire. It's a show about relationships, and, so far, it hasn't forgotten that fact. This is why we've been tuning in week after week. It's about
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