Game of Thrones S02E03 Recap & Review (Spoilers)

by Jordan Yerman | April 15, 2012 at 09:17 pm

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Game of Thrones S02E03 Recap: 'What is Dead May Never Die'

Welcome back, Dire Wolf fans! Here's the recap and review of Game of Thrones S02E03, "What is Dead May Never Die". There are lots of spoilers, so beware.

No Melisandre ass-print in this weeks Game of Thrones intro. I was sort of hoping... oh, no matter. Let's get into it.

Craster: Get the Fook Out

Craster, having kicked Jon Snow's ass, drags said ass back to Camp Creepy, and orders the Night's Watch rangers to get the fook out. I was expecting harsher from a guy who rapes his daughters and kills his sons, but that whole "you're gonna make this right" thing was suitably ominous.

Jon Snow tells Jeor Mormont, "Dude, Craster sacrifices his baby boys to zombies or whatever the hell they are"; Mormont's like, "No shit." Poor Jon Snow. So naive in the ways of Wildlings and incest and human sacrifice.

The rangers may not have found Benjen Stark yet, but Samwell sure found the Friend Zone. Sam is giving Craster's daughter Gily ~~a toy nipple?!~~ thimble that belonged to his mom. Awww. Sam wants Gily to wait for him while he's away. Dude, she's already shagging someone. Her dad. Samwell walks away thinking, "Yeah! Nailed it!"

Winterfell: the Land that Game Forgot.

Bran Stark: Wolf Boy

Speaking of Winterfell, let's check in with Bran Stark, who's having a Dire-Wolf staring contest. I'm no psychiatrist, but waking up each morning with a Dire Wolf in his face may be contributing to his recurring dream of being a wolf. Does Bran watch Being Human? The UK version, maybe? He also tells Monk Terence Stamp that he predicted Ned Stark's death. Duh. So did everyone else on the face of the fucking Earth, but Bran's (and brother Rickon's) dreams were what you'd call oddly specific.

Monk Terence Stamp, who obviously hasn't met Melisandre, says that magic is basically bullshit. Having obviously not met Daenerys Targaryen either, he also says that dragons are no more. "The Children of the Woods"? Does that mean the Wildlings? Or the motherfucking zombies? Because, either way, those exist as well. Bran, you need a new teacher.

Catelyn Stark: Beyond Thunderdome

Catelyn Stark is visiting Renly Baratheon in the Stormlands, where the local custom is to hang out at the Thunderdome and watch guys fuck each other up with axes.

That blonde chick who just whipped Loras Tyrell's ass with the double-leg MMA-style takedown? That's Brienne of Tarth. She just won a spot on Renly's starting lineup. This whole segment feels like something from A Knight's Tale.

Renly Baratheon's new wife is Margaery Tyrell. Margaery is kind of crazy-looking, but more in a pixie-ish way, as opposed to Melisandre's religious-nutjob vibe. Maybe she's just frustrated because her new gay husband is banging her brother. Either way, she goes full Auntie Entity while watching the Thunderdome action.

Renly promises to help Team Stark, as it furthers his own agenda: take the Iron Throne for himself. This is cool with Catelyn: Team Stark doesn't want King's Landing... they just want to whup some Lannister ass. I cheered along with the crowd when Renly promised to chop off Joffrey's head. I raised my tankard and was like, "Wha-heeeeey!"

By the way: now we know what happened to James lead singer Tim Booth's hair. Loras Tyrell took it. James freakin' rules; too bad about Tim Booth's atrocious trousers at Coachella. What? Oh. Right. The recap. Catelyn is telling Renly that his relationship with Loras won't last. "They are the knights of summer, and winter is coming."

Brienne of Tarth (do you have to say the whole thing, like A Tribe Called Quest?) is really freakin' tall. Seriously.

Theon Greyjoy & the Sea Bitch

Theon Greyjoy is ~~the guy who hit on his sister~~ still in the Iron Islands. Yara Greyjoy is telling him that it's not her fault that he didn't recognize her. For some reason his immediate response is not "you could've just fookin' sed, 'I'm yer sister!'". Yara was just testing him, or so she says.

Balon Greyjoy lays out the battle plan: attack the North. Dude, that's not a good idea. Team Stark's forces may be focused on the South, but there are Wildlings and zombies and whatnot oop North. At any rate, Yara is commanding 30 ships. Theon gets one. It's called, I shit you not, "The Sea Bitch". Because you're going to sea, bitch.

Oh, and if you think I'm riding Theon hard about hitting on his sister, you should hear his sister. Balon doesn't want to hear anything about pledging fealty to Robb Stark; he accuses Theon of going soft... from spending too much time with the wolves. Dang. Theon's right about one thing, though: Balon wasn't "paying the iron price" when he gave his son to House Stark and pledged allegiance to King Robert the Perpetually Wasted. Now who's a bitch, biiiiitch? Balon answers that question by bitch-slapping Theon.

Tyrion Lannister: To the Kitchen, Wench!

Tyrion Lannister is trying to mollify Shae, his... well, not girlfriend, exactly. Soon, says Tyrion, Shae can go from being sequestered in Tyrion's room to working in the kitchen as a dishwasher. This isn't about Shae's immigration status, but about Cersei Lannister, who is looking for a way to hurt Tyrion. This is perhaps the first time in Westeros history that Tyrion's game did not prevail.

My Dinner with Cersei

Dinner with Cersei Lannister is as awkward as you'd imagine. Cersei's daughter Myrcella is like, "OMG, can't wait until the wedding! It's gonna be awesome-possum!" Sansa Stark is like, "..." Cersei goes, "ಠ_ಠ", so Sansa is like, "Yeah, Myrcella, you'll look great. Can't wait to marry Joffrey. Yay."

Tommen, Cersei's son, just comes out and asks if Joffrey is going to kill Robb Stark. Cersei says "maybe" but means "yes".

Sansa gets a new handmaiden... it's Shae. Tyrion isn't playing checkers, he's playing chess. Meanwhile, Shae is the worst handmaiden of all time-- it's not even clear that she knows what a handmaiden is. Shae's gonna wish she went with the scullery gig; Sansa lost me at "empty my chamber pot". Fuck that noise. Sansa is really, really mean to Shae. Hey, Sansa's at the bottom of her particular food chain, and has had nobody else to abuse, until now.

Tyrion Lannister: Millionaire Matchmaker

Tyrion is buying, what, meth? No, it's a laxative. He's also buying an alliance with ~~General Veers~~ Pycelle. Tyrion wants to organize a few strategic marriages of his own. He wants Myrcella to marry the youngest son of House Martell... or does he?

Tyrion is simultaneously arranging with The Verys the Spider to marry Myrcella to Theon Greyjoy. I dunno, Myrcella may be too young and too unrelated for Theon. Oh, and Cersei can't know about any of this.

Oh, it gets better. Tyrion also tells Petyr Baelish that he wants to marry Myrcella off to Robin Arryn, that freaky kid in the Eyrie who breastfeeds at age, like, ten. Remember, Robin's mom tried to have Tyrion killed.

Okay, I'm guessing that Tyrion is hoping that Pycell, Varys, and Petyr will all go tell their friends about Tyrion's plans.

Renly Baratheon: Tag Team Action

So, do Renly, Loras, and Margaery do threesomes? Oh, I guess Margaery isn't invited. Loras is blatantly jealous of Brienne, and tells Renly that he'd better get it on with Margaery to keep her (and the Tyrell army) happy. Okay, tag team! Loras tags in Margaery, and Renly says that he may be pushing rope because he's ~~gay~~ drunk. He's like, "... Lovely gown". Nicely played, dude. She'll never suspect.

Margaery strips, getting us ready for some HBO sex, if only Renly will take one for the team. Margaery is getting nowhere with this, so she suggests a threesome with Loras. Finally, someone sees the potential here! Renly says, "Bullshit! I'm totally straight! I like boobs! All kinds of boobs!" Margaery is like, "Come on, man, it's cool. Let's just do this. I need to get pregnant, and I'll do whatevs to make that happen."

Cersei: 'My Rage is in No Way Hypocritical'

Cersei is furious that Tyrion wants to pawn off her precious daughter (sort of like how Sansa was handballed to Joffrey). Tyrion, who loves it when a plan comes together, has to wait until Cersei tells him which Myrcella-getting-married rumor she's heard before he can even respond... and before he can execute the next step in his plan.

Theon Greyjoy Born Again

Theon Greyjoy was going to send Robb Stark a Tyra-Mail warning of the impending attack... but he burns the letter instead. He takes his vow of faith to the Drowned God (shouldn't they get a more optimistic-sounding deity?) and gets a salt-water baptism. "What is dead may never die", this episode's title, refers to the oath that Theon takes, and not to the Northern Zombies.

Petyr Baelish is pyssed that he was duped by Tyrion, but Tyrion smooths things over by offering him a role in his next ploy. So, Petyr won't get that haunted house, but he'll get another crack at Catelyn Stark.

Tyrion, Bronn, and Petyr interrupt Pycell, who's in the middle of some HBO sex. Pycell uses the "It wasn't me" defense, but it's too late. He's been outed as Cersei's spy. Oh, and a Lannister always pays his prostitutes.

Now we get Varys the Spider's "A very small man can cast a very large shadow" speech from the Season 2 trailer as he muses on the nature of power.

Yoren: Walking the Walk

Arya Stark tells Yoren that she can't sleep. Yoren does what any responsible adult would do: he offers her booze. Arya wants to know how Yoren can get past all the fucked-up stuff he's seen. She's talking about Ned (RIP). Yoren's answer is pretty simple: all you gotta do is picture the person you want to kill. See, it's all about revenge. "I buried an axe so deep in Willem's skull, they 'ad to bury 'im with it" will be our badass line of the night, and the backs it up by taking on a whole heap of Tywin Lannister's men.

Yoren gets shot with a crossbow and stabbed a few times, but manages to kill a few of his attackers before he dies. The Lannisters round up the stragglers, including Arya. One of the kids took an arrow to the knee... so he gets a dagger to the neck. Thinking fast, Arya tells the guards that the kid they just killed was Gendry. See? That's Gendry's signature helmet lying right beside the dead kid. Nice move.

Game of Thrones S02E03 Review

This episode was about tipping points: Even though it's early in the season, major hands are getting played. We have Theon switching sides, or so it would seem. We have Yoren's camp decimated and Arya back in Lannister hands. We have Tyrion ferreting out the spies in King's Landing. We have Renly trying to shag a woman.

Dire Wolves? Well, only one, but at least we got a few violent deaths, and one violent beard-trimming. We had attempted HBO sex, but nobody was able to seal the deal. That's why, with heavy heart, I can only give S02E03 only four ruthless killings out of a possible five.

Game of Thrones: The Show So Far

So...

Team Renly will inevitably have to fight Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism (Team SWRF) for the Iron Throne. That cannot, cannot, cannot end well.
The Iron Islands Fleet is going against Team Stark, and Theon has apparently switched teams.
Pycell is sorted, but who else will Cersei use to get at Tyrion? Besides Varys and Petyr, obviously.
Renly Baratheon has not switched teams, so he'll need to figure out a way get his wife pregnant to keep House Tyrell on side.
Arya and Gendry are
Peter Dinklage's English accent reminds me of Hugo Weaving's American accent in The Matrix.
Theon Greyjoy's handwriting is fantastic.
We didn't hear from Team Dragon Mama or Team SWRF this week.
A moment of silence for Yoren, whose badassery will not soon be forgotten.

Oh... and one more thing. the S02E03 title, "What is dead may never die"reminds me of something else that happened last night...

So, when does Ned Stark get a Coachella hologram?

(n.b. Yes, I deleted an anonymous comment below. It contained an egregious long-term spoiler. I maintain a policy of only providing spoilers for recaps of episodes that have already aired.)