Game of Thrones S02E04 Recap & Review (Spoiler Alert)

Game of Thrones S02E04: 'Garden of Bones' Recap and Review

Hello again, Dire Wolf fans. This is the recap and review of Game of Thrones S02E04, "Garden of Bones". As you may imagine, this will contain wall-to-wall spoilers. Let's get into it.

Dire Wolf Attack!

We open S02E04 with two chumps talking about the toughest characters in Game of Thrones, and they get as far as some homophobic lad-humor before one of their friends comes up and scares the shit out of them. He's like, "Ha, ha, you guys, that was hilarious. Really, you should--- holy fuck, a Dire Wolf is shredding my face!!!"

... Because a Dire Wolf is shredding his face. That would be Robb Stark's calling card: Screw evite, it's all about vicious wolves now. The aftermath of the Team Robb Stark sneak attack on the Lannister camp is pretty grisly. This is another Stark win, but the moving army needs to look after itself.

The field amputation scene really reminded of something from Monty Python & the Holy Grail... until the sound effects kicked in. The nurse who helped with the amputation totally fancies Robb, but takes issue with his methodology. She's called Talisa, if I heard that right. He would have died otherwise, Talisa.

Talisa is amused that Robb Stark doesn't want the Iron Throne, but only to kill King Joffrey. Clearly she's never met Joffrey. Dang, the paramedic practices of Westeros are in a shite state of affairs.

Joffrey Baratheon is a B&tch

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King Joffrey Trying to Look Badass with a Crossbow

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Speaking of King Joffrey acting like a rhymes-with-punt, here he is doing just that! JOffrey is pointing a crossbow at Sansa Stark, saying that she's going to answer for Robb Stark's crimes, which in this case, amount to beating the shit out of Lannisters left, right, and center. I'm surprised Joffrey's not holding the crossbow sideways. I really fucking hate this kid.

The story is already back to King's Landing: Lancel Lannister (who looks like an extra from The Three Musketeers, no?) says that Stafford Lannister's army was defeated by the King of the Nooooorth and an "army of wolves" and then Lannisters' corpses were eaten. I was like, "Helly, yeah!", but the crowd of sycophants just gasps.

Instead of killing Sansa, Joffrey orders her tortured. He sneers, "Leave her face... I like her pretty." Seriously, Joffrey, fuck you and your hair gel.

Tyrion Lannister interrupts the proceedings. He actually says, "What is the meaning of this?" in an non-ironic way. See, Tyrion really likes half-naked young women; he just hates seeing them beaten. Tyrion lays down the imp hand on Joffrey, right here in front of everyone. Sadly, it's only with words.

Tyrion Lannister: Ho's in Different Area Codes

Tyrion then helps Sansa to her feet like a boss. Tyrion asks Sansa if she really wants to go through with this marriage. Sansa toes the party line and says yes. Hey, she doesn't know who she can trust. What would you say, if you weren't sure that Tyrion and Joffrey weren't playing good-cop-bad-cop? It ain't easy being a Stark in King's Landing. Game respects game, and Tyrion is pleased to see Sansa beginning to learn.

Tyrion wonders aloud if Joffrey doesn't just need to get laid. Bronn just comes out and says what you and I and everyone else has been thinking: "There's no cure for being a cunt." Still, they organize some hookers for King Joffrey.

If you need hookers organized in, like, 11 seconds, call Tyrion, because he makes it happen. Joffrey gets back to his room, and two hookers are there waiting for him.

Does Joffrey get down with these intimate-services professionals? No! Joffrey watches them hook up with each other, okay, so he's into HBO sex like every other teenager... no, hang on. He wants them to hit each other. Wait, like spanking? No, not exactly. He means, like, really hitting. And whipping. And smacking with a torch. High schools run security drills for assholes like him.

Did Joffrey ever see 13 Assassins?

Petyr Baelish: Unlucky in Love

Petyr Baelish is visiting Renly Baratheon. Great. They can talk about constant sexual frustration. Renly hates Petyr; Petyr knows this, but wants to be sure that he's still alive at the end of it. Petyr hopes to convince Renly that he can aid the overthrow of Joffrey from inside King's Landing.

Petyr Baelish oozes up to Margaery Tyrell, asking some really personal questions about her and Renly's sex life, or lack thereof. He wants her to know that he knows that she knows that Renly is gay. Margaery: "So, have you ever been married?" Petyr: "Uh... nope." And then Margery doesn't even pretend to be surprised.

Daenerys Targaryen: Qarth or Bust

Time to check in with Team Dragon Mama. A messenger returns to Daenerys Targaryen's group with a strange horse. The elders of Qarth, whose town is (somewhat nearby" say they'll welcome "the Mother of Dragons", whom we presume is Daenerys Targaryen, because... Team Dragon Mama.

Jorah Mormont warns Daenerys that, if they head to Qarth and they can't get into the city, they're toast. Oh, and Qarth isn't famous for its welcome: the land outside the gates are described as... waitforit... a garden of bones.

Arya Stark: The Hit List

Arya Stark and Gendry are prisoners. Arya Stark recognizes the smell of corpses because, well, her birth certificate reads, "Stark". The prisoners from last episodes' raid on Yoren's camp are at some sort of ruined castle, where captives are killed one by one.

This is also why, while other prisoners shiver in the rain, Arya Stark repeats, "Joffrey... Cersei.. Illyn Payne... The Hound..." (Illyn Payne is the name of the executioner who killed Ned Stark, or so the internet tells me.)

Petyr Baelish is back at Team Stark's Camp. Catelyn confronts Petyr about his betrayal of Ned. He tries to bullshit his way out of it, and even tries to confess his love for Catelyn. That was a terrible idea. Catelyn pulls a knife on him, so Petyr has to do what he does best: lie. He tells Catelyn that he is keeping both Sansa and Arya safe. This is, of course, bullshit.

Petyr wants Catelyn to trade Jaime Lannister for Sansa and Arya. As a token of what he calls the Lannisters' good faith, Petyr gives Catelyn a Ned Stark hologram Ned Stark's remains in a box.

The one who picks the kill of the day at Westeros Gitmo: Ser Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain. The selection process is rather terrifying. Trousers are soiled.

Now we get to see what's up: some dude is asking about "the brotherhood" (is this Melisandre's cult?).  Since this is Westeros, there's torture: in this case, a rat in a bucket is affixed to the victim's chest... and will eventually eat its way through the dude's flesh as the bucket is heated. Oh, and even telling them what they want to know will result in getting killed by an angry rat.

That night, Arya adds Polliver (a guard) and The Mountain to her rapidly-growing hit list.

Stannis & Renly Baratheon: Can We Just Hug It Out? No? Okay, Then

Catelyn Stark and Renly Baratheon are meeting up with Stannis Baratheon and Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism (Team SWRF). Stannis and Renly are needling each other with increasing ferocity, but still more civil than I'd expect.

Neither will back down, and it looks like Team Renly and Team SWRF are going to get into it at dawn. Even though Renly saw Melisandre and was basically like, "Even for a gay guy, I gotta say... nicely done, bro." The words he used were to do with Stannis' newfound religion, but that's what he meant.

Daenerys Targaryen at the Gates of Qarth

Daenerys Targaryen and Jorah Mormot arrive at Qarth, where they meet The Thirteen, who run Qarth. They already know who Daenerys is, because they saw the Season One finale.

The Thirteen really, want to see the dragons that give Team Dragon Mama its name. They won't let Daenerys into Qarth unless they get a peek at the dragons. This guy is kind of a dick. Daenerys has a counter-offer, which amounts to "turn us away, and, when my dragons grow up, they'll barbecue your asses."

One of the Thirteen vouches for Daenerys and her crew in a sort of hand-slicing ritual. Team Dragon Mama enters Qarth, which seems bigger on the inside of the walls than on the outside. Reminds me of Joppa from the original Clash of the Titans.

Arya Stark is a Girl, You Idiots

Good Morning! Time for another head to be pounded onto a spike! Oh, and Gentry is chosen to become the daily rat sacrifice.

Tywin Lannister shows up and notices that Arya is a girl in about three seconds. His words are, if I recall correctly, "This one's a boy, you idiot, dressed as a girl." Tywin Lannister takes Arya Stark on as a PA. He really should have checked Ned Stark's Facebook pics more carefully.

Lancel is the New Jaime

Lancel Lannister hands Tyrion a warrant demanding the release of Grandmaester Pycell, who was imprisoned for being a snitch. Tyrion gets Lancel to claim that he brought the warrant as soon as Cersei wrote it. Well, it's the middle of the night. Or, as Tyrion calls it, "the hour of the wolf". I like that. The hour of the wolf. Let me write that down. Okay, Tyrion knows, as do we, that the chance of Cersei having acquired Lancel as her new incestuous boy-toy is about... let's see... 100%. 

Tyrion is like, "Dude, Joffrey will freak when he finds out you're fucking his mom." Lancel starts with "It wasn't me!" and then moves to, "It wasn't my fault! Cersei made me bang her!". Then, Bam!, Tyrion flips Lancel: "I'll keep your secret, but now you're my bitch. Bitch."

Tyrion kicks Lancel out with, "Smile, cousin, my sister is a beautiful woman!"

Keep on shakin' that family tree, Cersei.

Stannis Baratheon asks Davos Seaworth to smuggle Melisandre ashore, so she can use her sexy witchcraft. This is a Splinter Cell-type operation: nobody else in Stannis' camp can know about it.

Davos and Melisandre share an awkward row to shore. Why is Davos Seaworth called "the Onion Knight"? Melisandre gets naked because that's how she rolls she's suddenly nine months pregnant! Like when Bolivia has Peter's baby in the Fringe alternate-universe. For those who aren't into Fringe, this means that, a very, very brief time after shagging Stannis, Melisandre is now giving birth.

Is it going to be a demon-child? A dragon-child? A Starchild?

Oh, shit, it's totally a demon-child! Seriously, what the fuck is that thing, a dementor? What the shit!

Review of S02e04

Come on, that was freakin' awesome. We had some pretty major plot advancement, in terms of geography (Team Dragon Mama), personal stories, politics, and the family vendettas. We also had a bit of HBO sex, a dire wolf attack, and some brutal killings.

To be honest, we could stand with a bit more HBO sex, but we had a scene with Melisandre making people uncomfortable, so that's cool.

I'm giving S02E04 five snarling, vicious Dire Wolves out of a possible five. Hey, when you start the episode with a wolf disemboweling some chump, then you're already halfway there.

This episode reasserted what a dangerous place Westeros is: no matter who you are, there's someone out there who wants to kill you, and there's no such thing as safety. Also, I'm more engaged with Arya's story, now that she's basically turning into Hanna. By the way, is her "dancing teacher", that badass swordsman isn't confirmed dead, yet, right? (I'm talking about the show here- no book spoilers, please.)

Can we all take a moment and congratulate Stannis Baratheon on becoming a dad? He can take his dementor to the park, teach it to ride a bike, show up at all its Little League games...

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