Game of Thrones S02E07 Recap & Review: Spoiler Alert

Game of Thrones S02E07: 'A Man Without Honor'

Welcome back, Dire Wolf fans! This is the recap and review for Game of Thrones S02E07, 'A Man Without Honor'. There are spoilers ahead. I'm thrilled that we get to relive Joffrey's getting hit in the face with cow shit during the previews. Eat shit, Joffrey! Eat! Shit! Right, let's get into it.

Bitching the Sea Bitches

Theon Greyjoy wakes up to find out that he got played. He's laying into his Sea Bitches for letting a cripple esceeeip. So, to recap (since this is a recap), a disabled boy, a mentally-disabled man, along with a small child and a feral woman, were able to sneak past the occupiers of Winterfell. Hey, it all started with Theon being stupid enough to let Osha into Bran's his bed.

Hasn't Theon Greyjoy learned not to trust his dick? At least he's learning to beat the crap out of his crew: his pirate mentor Dagmer clearly approves. Theon and some of his Sea Bitches, accompanied by a reluctant Monk Terence Stamp, ride out in search of Bran and his fellow escapees.

A Dire Wolf! That means we're catching up with Bran and Rickon Stark, along with Osha and Fezzik Hodor, who's crushing a walnut so his young charges can eat. I was hoping he'd say, "... anybody wanna peanut?", but he doesn't. I declare Hodor to be awesome: he's only been an extra until now.

Jon Snow: White Wastes and Blue Balls

North of The Wall, Jon Snow has survived the frigid night and the agony of blue balls, waking up next to Ygritte, his captive wildling, who sort of looks like Lauren Hawker from Mallboy). Ygritte immediately comments on Jon's johnson, which has been performing the duties of the Night's Watch, i.e. constant vigilance.

Having never heard of Tim Tebow, Ygritte equates Jon's virginity with childishness, and if you think I'm making a big deal about blue balls, she's laying it on even thicker. Ygritte wonders (reasonably, given the world they live in) if, since the Night's Watch don't have women, they shag each other, or sheep. Whoah, this started as a conversation about cocks, but now it's about the Palestinian Territories. Does Netenyahu watch Game of Thrones? Maybe he should. Just saying.

Jon and Ygritte continue in search of Qhorin Halfhand and the rest of the Crows Night's Watch rangers.

History & Grammar at Harrenhal

Someone's getting hung. We must be in Harrenhal. What a shithole. From a shattered battlement, Tywin Lannister sniffs the dart that killed Amory Larch. He says, "Iocane powder... I'd stake my life on it." Just kidding. He says, "Wolfsbane." Tywin knows that whomever killed Amory was a pro. So far, 20 hangings haven't divulged the killer's name. The Mountain thinks it's a guy from the Brotherhood (a group of outlaws, and not Team SWRF). Arya Stark, who knows precisely who shot that dart, is serving lunch and collecting sharp kitchen utensils.

After ordering a bit of wanton oppression, Twyin orders Arya to eat lunch with him. Awkward. Tywin confides in Arya that he's sick of warfare, and will be his last, one way or the other. Charles Dance kills it in this role, seriously. He was also in The Last Action Hero. Anyway, he's telling Arya that they're calling this whole fight-for-the-Iron-Throne clusterfuck "The War of the Five Kings". Heh. Only five? Whoever "they" are, they need to start reading my recaps. 

Tywin recalls the story of Harrenhal, which Arya already knows. The Cliff's Notes version: dragons. History buffs, if this scene reminds you of the Maginot Line, you're not alone. Hey, Arya is a history buff, too. She knows that Aegon Targaryen wasn't conquering Westeros alone: his sisters/wives were with him. Maybe Arya just watched the Game of Thrones Season 1 DVD extras. Wow, I love this scene. Also, sure at this point that Tywin knows exactly who Arya is. He even calls her out on "milord" vs "my lord". Nice. I could happily watch a Tywin-Arya duologue for the rest of the episode.

The Hound: Killing People is Fucking Awesome

At King's Landing, Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner Sansa Stark and The Hound pass each other in the hallway. Sansa says, "Thanks for preventing my brutal and horrific gang-rape." The Hound's like, "No worries. I really like killing people." Seriously, The Hound really, really, really likes killing motherfuckers. He tells her that his propensity for "hateful things" will be the only thing standing between her and a life of domestic violence once she ends up Queen, i.e. married to Prince Joffrey Douchebag.

Sansa walks away, and The Hound has this look on his face like, "did I fuck that up?" Dude, you fucked that up.

The Great Dragon Heist

Team Dragon Mama! Daenerys is righteously pissed off, because some asshole stole her dragons, and she knows that Team Mama isn't as compelling a competitor for the Iron Throne as Team Dragon Mama. Xaro Xhoan Daxos has called a meeting of the Thirteen, who run Qarth, though it's obvs that one of the Thirteen is behind the Great Dragon Heist. Xaros says that recovering the dragons is key to protecting his rep, since he took Daenerys and the Dothraki travelers into Qarth under his protection. Daenerys is like, "Well, too late." (If any of you watch The Finder, add an appropriate smartass comment here; alas, I do not).

Ygritte: Troll or Trollop?

North of the Wall, where the air is cold and the sexual tension is hot, Jon Snow and Ygritte are... waitforit... traipsing across the frozen wastes. Ygritte is hitting Jon with some knowledge: just because the Wildlings don't live in the technological wonderland that is Winterfell (O_o), doesn't mean that they're savages. The way Ygritte and Jon fight over the rope that he uses to pull her along is totally making this scene happen. Ygritte thinks she can flip Jon and get him to go native.

Ygritte tells Jon, "You're a pretty lad: girls would claw each other's eyes out to get naked with you." Damn. Dudes, how many times has a woman ever said that to you? I count... zero hands. Jon Snow handles it in a Tim Tebow fashion, i.e. awkwardly. She tells him, "I can teach you how to do it." Again, show of hands... from those who heard it outside Amsterdam. Again, zero. Ygritte's like, "You know nooothin', Jon Snow," and takes the reins rope.

Robb Stark: Benevolent King (of the North)

Robb Stark is once again demonstrating studliness, this time in the form of not shooting the messenger. Even when that messenger is Alton Lannister, sent to tell Robb that Cersei's response to his demands were something along the lines of "go fuck yourself". Alton's sweating it, since his cousin Jaime is thiiiiis close to becoming a snack for Dire Wolves. Indeed, Robb Stark has taken so many prisoners that Alton will have to bunk with Jaime.

Talisa "Dat Ass" Maegyr shows up, covered in blood. Hey, she's a battlefield nurse. The hell do you expect? Maybe the reason that Westeros' population looks so haggard has to do with the use of turpentine and egg yolks as first-aid tools. They also use "milk of the poppy", i.e. morphine. Robb tells Talisa to come with him to The Crag, where she can replenish the camp's surgical supplies. Takeaway messages from this exchange: #1: Robb is scoring major points with Talisa, and #2: Remind me not to get wounded in Westeros.

Deez Nuts

The more Theon Greyjoy is flummoxed, the happier I am. The Sea Bitches lost the scent of Bran Stark and the Absconders. Theon's like, "I'm looking at spending the rest of my life being treated like a fool and a eunuch to my own people!" Somewhere, Yara Greyjoy is like, "Yeah... and?"

Dagmer found walnuts. Is Hodor the only guy in Winterfell who eats walnuts? Apparently, because they send Monk Terence Stamp home: this is now a search-and-destroy mission.

A quick note to Hodor: Dr. Dre put it very succinctly: Real G's [...] protect deez n-u-t's.

Who Can You Trust?

Daenerys is pining over her lost dragons. Jorah Mormont is back; where was he? Did I miss something while looking for that Dr. Dre video? Oh, he was out looking for a ship to take Team Dragon Mama to Westeros. Daenerys takes the deaths of her handmaiden really seriously. One of the entourage, Dorya (sp?) is missing. Daenerys thinks she's dead; I suspect maybe she has something to do with the Great Dragon Heist. Daenerys has taken on board #3 of Biggie's Ten Crack Commandments: Never trust no-bo-dy. Jorah is in the Friend Zone, invisible. When she orders him, "Find my dragons", he hops to it, leaving immediamente.

From Hot to Cold

Up in the Frozone, Ygritte is leading Jon Snow, who's supposedly leading them both to the rest of the rangers. Like he has any fucking clue where the hell they are. Ygritte is telling Jon exactly how she'll falsify her claim that she and Jon... well, you know. You might even say that Ygritte is giving a bit of sexpostition. Ygritte is pretty intense, actually. She's like some freaky Motley Crüe groupie. Jon has to grab his sword-- his actual forged-out-of-steel sword-- to get her to lay off.

All this time, though, Ygritte has lured Jon Snow into a trap. I've had a beer or two, so I won't try to count all the Wildlings, but there are a lot of them. 

Reproductive Health Education: Kings Landing Style

Okay, this is messed up. Sansa Stark, having had a vivid rape-dream, wakes up to find that she's having her period. She freaks out, and tries to cut the bloodstain out of her bed. Shae comes in to help her hide the fact that she can bear Joffrey's children. Some other servant sees Sansa and Shae, frozen as if trying to hide a body, and runs for it. Shae gives chase and threatens the servant to keep her freakin' mouth shut. See? When you spend enough time with Tyrion Lannister, you learn how to get shit done.

Too late, though: The Hound is already in Sansa's room. How is The Hound already in Sansa's room? Am I the only one creeped the fuck out by this?! WTF!

Cersei Lannister is trying to assuage Sansa Stark's anxiety, but, if Cersei says it, I believe the opposite. Cersei says, "Joffrey's always been a fucking shithead difficult", and that she was in labor for a day and a half for his obnoxious ass. Cersei is telling Sansa all about how Robert Baratheon was never around for her childbirths, as if Robert was provably the baby-daddy.

Ironically, Sansa professes a greater love for Joffrey than his mom does. Neither of them believe a single word of it. Cersei pulls Sansa's coat: "The more people you love, the weaker you are... love no one but your children."

Sansa's like, "Shouldn't I love Joffrey?" Cersei's like, "You can try."

Prison Break

Alton Lannister is going to give Robb Stark's camp a negative Yelp review. He's sharing a cage with Jaime Lannister. Alton is a bit obsequious, considering his cousin (cousin?) is covered in his own (and possibly some wolves') excrement. Jaime wants to be Michael Schofield, though, and stage a prison break. The plan, though, requires Alton's death. How does one prisoner kill another? By hitting him a great many times.

When the guard comes in to inspect Alton's twitching body, Jaime gets his Georges St. Pierre on, and chokes the guy. Crude plan, but effective.

Mindfreak!

Jorah Mormont is on a dragon hunt, so he visits the Chick in the Iron Mask, who is busy body-painting some guy, because I guess that's what goes on in Qarth on Sunday evenings. Maybe because she's the perp. Just speculating. At any rate, she calls Jorah on his feelings for Daenerys Targaryen. He doesn't deny it. The Chick in the Iron Mask asks, "Will you betray her again?" Jeor Mormont answers, "Never." I answer, "What?" The Chick in the Iron Mask (you have to say the whole thing) says that the thief is with Daenerys now.

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Game of Thrones S02E07: Skeleton Criss Angel

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That's because Daenerys Targaryen is meeting with The Thirteen. The Spice King is busy being himself, i.e. an insufferably obnoxious prat whom I want to slap until I get repetitive stress injuries.

No, wait, Skeleton David Blaine gives the game away: the dragons are apparently in the House of the Undying, as arranged by... Xaro Xhoan Daxos, the self-styled "King of Qarth". Skeleton David Blaine's clones slit the throats of the remaining Eleven. Yeah, he has clones.

Jorah shows up to kill one of the Blaines... but there are just too many of them! This guy/guys really wants/want Daenerys to visit the House of the Undying. Jorah and Daenerys run, but where can they go?

Prison Break: Season 2

Jaime Lannister's escape wasn't too successful after all. Catelyn Stark is now demanding that Jaime not be summarily executed. She's backed up by Breanne of Tarth; no further argument is needed. The uncle of the guy Jaime strangled? He's not lobbying for clemency.

99 Problems and Joffrey is All of Them

Tyrion and Cersei Lannister share a candle-lit moment. I'm probably happier to see Tyrion than is Cersei. Tyrion is reading his Blackberry: Stannis Baratheon and Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism are sailing with a bigger navy than the Lannisters can handle. They'll be at Kings Landing within a few days. Cersei references the Wildfire; Tyrion references the differences between tactics and strategy. Tyrion also concedes that sending Joffrey some hookers didn't make him less of an asshole.

Cersei says that she hoped Joffrey would be more like Jaime. She needs to aim higher. Speaking of which, she says that she and Jaime, when faced with that twinge of doubt that apparently comes with shagging one's sibling, would remind each other that the Targaryens were also into the whole brother-sister thing. If your friends jumped off a roof...

You know how many of Cersei's tears I believe? 0.

The Man Without Honor

Catelyn Stark and Brienne of Tarth are stuck defending Jaime Lannister, though he totally deserves to die, against the rest of Team Stark. If you're wondering where this episode's title comes from, well, it's the dude covered in mud who still has perfect hair.

Jaime Lannister takes a moment to casually insult Brienne of Tarth's appearance. Not super-wise: BoT takes slights to her honor very seriously.

Jaime, telling Catelyn that the only woman he's ever shagged is Cersei (i.e. his sister), calls out Ned Stark (RIP) for being less honorable than he, referencing Jon Snow. Yeah, Ned Stark fucked another woman. Yeah, Catelyn is asking for Brienne's sword.

Establishing Dominance

Theon Greyjoy, trying to establish dominance, hoists the bodies of what he's trying to sell as Bran and Rickon Stark before the horrified populace of Winterfell. DNA test results or GTFO.

Game of Thrones S02E07 Review

To be honest, this is my least favorite episode of the season. I can only give this episode two twitching bodies out of a possible five. This is due to a near-total lack of Dire Wolves and graphic violence, and the total absence of sex and/or sexposition. Also, we're left with two so-called cliffhangers that we can be sure are not real. No way would Catelyn Stark kill Jaime Lannister (i.e. her only bargaining chip) so thoughtlessly. Not that I don't think that the series would kill Jaime, just that I don't believe that this would be the way he dies.

Also, no way would Theon Greyjoy present Bran Stark's body without proof that it was Bran Stark's body.

Meanwhile, the Great Dragon Heist storyline reads as a sort of placeholder, to keep the Team Dragon Mama story arc ticking over while the rest of the arcs progress. Not, IMHO, necessary.

The movement of the story in S02E07 wasn't ambitious enough: the Tywin/Arya and Jon/Ygritte duologues promised so much more. Instead we got tiny movements instead of large steps. I'm afraid I can only give this episode two twitching bodies out of a possible five and that's partly because the rest of S02 has been so strong.

I expect a bit of "this is the calm before the storm" pushback, but still. Even if I were to concede the lack of plot movement (which I won't-- main story arcs didn't move much at all), there is no excuse-- none-- for the lack of sex and graphic violence which we've come to expect from Game of Thrones.

So let's hope they bring it for next week in terms of plot advancement, though the Arya Stark/Tywin Lannister and Jon Snow/Ygritte scenes were stellar.

Also, just as an aside, I notice that search volume for "Game of Thrones S02E07 torrent" is skyrocketing: not all are paying the gold price for an HBO series. Some are willing to pay the iron price.