Game of Thrones S02E08 Recap & Review: Spoiler & Profanity Alert
Game of Thrones S02E08: 'The Prince of Winterfell' Review
Welcome back, Dire Wolf fans! Time for the recap and review of Game of Thrones S02E08, "The Prince of Winterfell". I'm hoping to see more of Jaime Lannister this week: he's a somewhat-likeable shithead, as opposed to Joffrey, who's just a shithead-shithead. A fuckhead-shithead, if you will. The title of the episode suggests we'll be seeing a lot of Lily Allen's little brother, Theon Greyjoy. Oh, and a quick profanity warning. Anyway, let's get into it.
The Dumbest Cunt Alive
Sure enough, Theon Greyjoy has changed Winterfell's firewall settings, killing all the ravens to prevent Robb Stark from finding out what happened to his hometown. Too late homie. It's not clear if he blocked Reddit, but I bet he did. The wanker. Yara Greyjoy arrives and wastes no time in cutting her bro down to size. She sides with Bran and Rickon Stark for running away after the Sea Bitches took Winterfell (really? with 20 men?).
Yara calls Theon, and I quote, "the dumbest cunt alive". Hard to argue with her, really: he left himself with no bargaining chips. We're presuming that he actually killed Bran and Rickon, which I'm sure he did not. At any rate, she's only in Winterfell to bring her handsy little brother home, that is if he's quite done making friends and influencing people. Gemma Whelan owns this scene completely and totally.
Jon Snow: The Friend Zone is a Step Up
North of the Wall, Ygritte has pushed Jon Snow past the Friend Zone and into the Enemy Zone. The Wildlings bring Jon Snow to the Lord of Bones, who's clearly a member of Gwar. Jon's not alone: Qhorin Halfhand is already a captive: the rest of the Night's Watch hit squad were ambushed and killed while looking for Jon's sorry non-prisoner-killing ass. Ygritte prevents the Gwar dude from killing Jon. So maybe he's back in the Friend Zone. Hey, it's a start. (Just an aside, but Qhorin Halfhand kind of looks like NowPublic's first news director, Mark Schneider.)
Robb Stark: Building Bridges
Robb Stark is en route to The Crag with Talin "Dat Ass" Maegyr, talking about his upcoming arranged marriage to one of Walder Frey's daughters: he doesn't even know her name. He has to marry Frey's daughter so he can cross that freakin' bridge. He doesn't even know which daughter he's supposed to marry. Something weird about the blocking for this scene: they seem to be walking so they can talk, rather than walking so they can get somewhere.
Robb and Talin are lamenting the death of Ned Stark (RIP). As am I. Fuck you, Joffrey. Robb is starting to spit some game, but his stance on capital punishment may be a deal-breaker. Robb's pager goes off, and he returns to camp to find that Catelyn Stark let Jaime Lannister go. Jeez, that was a stupid thing to do.
Robb orders Catelyn to be guarded: wise move, since her actions have been more checkers than chess lately. He's like, "Send more men to find Jaime's ass. This Prison Break better not have a Season Two."
Meanwhile, Brienne of Tarth used Galdalf's horse to take Jaime to Frodo's canoe, where they'll row towards King's Landing. Jaime, sporting perfect hair as always, is laying into Brienne about her family. He's also made up his mind that she's a lesbian. For Jaime, there are two types of women in the world: his siblings and lesbians.
Tywin Lannister: Saddle Up
Yes! Arya Stark and Tywin Lannister! Tywin's war council is pretty sure that Stannis Baratheon and Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism will take King's Landing very easily. Tywin is convinced that Robb Stark will attack the Lannister stronghold of Casterly Rock really soon. Like, pretty much right now. Tywin is riding out immediamente, and leaving Arya behind to look after The Mountain, who's gonna be running the show at Harrenhal.
That's disappointing for Arya, since she had an inside line on Tywin's moves (and she still has one murder left with Jaqen "Sam Fisher" H'gar). Disappointing for us, too, since the Tywin-Arya duologues are freakin' amazing.
Speaking of whom, people are still getting tortured over who killed Amory Larch. I don't remember the guy's name who's threatening to rape Arya, but I don't like him. Arya definitely doesn't like him. That could equal bad news if she finds Jaqen. Arya was gonna order a last-minute hit on Tywin Lannister, but it's too late: he's already riding out.
Up in the Frozone, the
Others Wildlings are marching cinematically along a ridge. They say not to do that, since you'd be easy to spot from a helicopter. Good thing there are no helicopters in Westeros. Qhorin is trying to set Jon Snow up as an inside man in Mance Rayder's army. Conveniently, this is done by physically and verbally abusing him in front of the Wildlings. Qhorin's strategy may also get Jon Snow laid, strangely enough: Ygritte is giving him That Look.
Bronn has the same problem with cloaks that Edna Mode has with capes. Tyrion Lanniser is like, "Dude, just wear the fuckin'.... hhh. Fine, whatevs." I love the Tyrion-Bronn scenes. They're timeless.
It's Varys the Spider. Uh... yay. He's really happy with post-Giuliani King's Landing. Bronn's been rounding up and killing all the known thieves, since theyr'e more dangerous to the city during a siege than the attackers. In theory. Clearly Bronn has not met Melisandre. Tyrion is pretty sure that Stannis will ram it right up the Mud Gates.
Tyrion's suggestion for a defense also just happens to be the best scene-ending line ever: "Pig shit".
Sick Ski Conditions
The Night's Watch rangers are, what, testing avalanche conditions?, and wondering where the hell Jon Snow and Qhorin Halfhand are. As they dig, they find
the Hatch a cache of equipment from a previous generation of Night's Watch rangers, including spearheads made of dragon glass, a.k.a. obsidian. Meanwhile, ski conditions look pretty good north of The Wall.
Arya Stark: How I Could Just Kill a Man
Jaqen tells Arya Stark that he can't go off and kill Tywin Lannister. Arya is pissed off, and orders Jaqen to kill himself unless he agrees to help her and Gendry escape, since, if she can't have duologues with Tywin, then there's no point hanging around this shithole. When Jaqen chides her lack of honor, she does a Bart Simpson shrug.
I was wondering what would happen if Arya gave Jaqen his own name as part of their deal. Now we know.
Tyrion Lannister: He's Got Ho's in Different Area Codes
Tyrion Lannister is telling Cersei Lannister that Joffrey will be fighting for the defense of King's Landing. Does Joffrey know this yet? It's pretty clear that Tyrion intends Joffrey to die in battle. I'd rather he just be slapped to death. Joffrey is 17? I though the was younger.
Cersei tells Tyrion that she has (and has tortured) Shae, and will hold her captive against Joffrey's safety. Incidentally, calls Shae a cunt, which is the fifth utterance of the four-letter C-word this episode. Cersei provides proof of life: wait, that's not Shae. It's Ros, Winterfell's favorite prostitute.
Cersei has miscalculated just how many ho's Tyrion has. He's the Abominable Ho Man. This doesn't stop Tyrion from promising Cersei a world of hurt. He's lying (that's not Shae) and telling the truth (he really wants to ruin his sister).
Tyrion goes back to his pimp palace and tells the real Shae what's up. I think that Shae's reassurance of "I will cut off their faces" will be added to my everyday vocabulary. Tyrion and Shae commit to each other. Can Tyrion "The Imp" Lannister really be a one-woman man?
The Best Laid Plans
Robb Stark, whose ravens got dumped in the dirt in the opening scene, is laying out his plan for getting back Winterfell. It's pretty straightforward: if you're from the Iron Islands, you can surrender and live. Unless your driver's license says "Greyjoy, Theon", in which case you're fooked.
Talin comes in and asks "How are you?" in the most genuine way ever. Robb is like, "Pretty shitty, actually". Their courtship continues: it's the most depressing courtship ever, no? Talin recounts how her baby brother nearly drowned, and how a slave performed CPR (seriously) to save his life. That was it: she shifted career paths from proper lady to battlefield nurse.
Finally they get down to some HBO sex. You can see them wishing that Velcro had been invented: those laces take forever.
Arya, Gendry & Hot Pie
Arya Stark, Gendry, and Hot Pie (the Game of Thrones wiki told me that that's his name) are making their way out of Harrenhal. This is easier than it sounds, since Jaqen turned the place into Camp Crystal Lake, killing, like, all the guards. At this rate, Jaqen will overtake the bubonic plague in pre-industrial body count.
Stannis Baratheon: Cats & Dogs
Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism is maybe a day away from King's Landing. Stannis Baratheon is telling Davos Seaworth that, back in the day when he was defending the Mad King, he ate cats when besieged at Storm's End. Dude, we know: we asked Melisadre.
Stannis is offering Davos a new job: Hand of the King once he retakes the Iron Throne.
Tywin Lannister: Laying Pipe Like a Pro
Joffrey Baratheon is talking tough about how he'll kick Stannis' ass as he dispenses the worst military advice ever: to attack Robb Stark's army now., with forces from King's Landing.
Tyrion Lannister tells Varys the Spider that, as a boy, he was basically the plumber of Casterly Rock. This has been obvious since Game of Thrones first aired: Tyrion lays pipe like a pro. Dude is Super Mario. Ooh- the sixth four-letter c-word of the episode.
Anyway, Varys answers a question I've had for ages: dragons (of which Daenerys Targaryen has three) take several years to mature, provided she gets them back from Skeleton David Blaine-- King's Landing just found out about the dragons' existence, and haven't learned about the Great Dragon Heist.
This means that, no matter what happens with Stannis and the TSWRF fleet, King's Landing is basically Harrenhal once those dragons hit puberty.
So, either way, King's Landing is gonna take it up the Mud Gates.
Team Dragon Mama: 'I'm the Dragon Mama, Even If I'm Not the Dragons' Mama'
Speaking of Team Dragon Mama, let's check in at Qarth. Jorah Mormont found a ship for Daenarys Targaryen. Jorah tells Daenerys that, despite the fact that I use the term "Team Dragon Mama", she's not really a dragon mama. They need to get the fuck out of Dodge, pronto.
Daenerys has no interest in leaving Qarth without her dragons, and she lets Jorah know this... as she friend-zones him. Well, he could pretty much be her dad. Isn't Daenerys supposed to be a young teen?
That moment is worth the flight to Qarth: it's not a Great Dragon Heist scene, but a Jorah's-crush scene.
At Winterfell, Monk Terence Stamp meets up with Osha. As we already guessed, Bran and Rickon are alive. However, the farmer who hid them, as well as his sons, are the opposite of alive.
So Bran and Rickon Stark, along with Hodor, are hiding right under Theon Greyjoy's nose.
Game of Thrones S02E08 Review
Okay, better than S02E07, but the major revelations were those which we already knew. At least we got some HBO sex and some interesting backstory. Am I alone in thinking that Stannis Baratheon might make a halfway-decent king?
I give this episode three four-letter c-words out of a possible five. Not nearly enough onscreen violence, though Jaqen kept rather busy behind the scenes. Also, no Dire Wolves. Not even one. Not even a puppy.
Yeah, it's valuable setup for the last two episodes of the season, but am I wrong for wanting more sex and more violence? Also, we can be fairly sure that Team Dragon Mama won't be hitting King's Landing by the end of S02. A shame, really. Well, Stannis' ships are almost in sight of King's Landing, so S02E09 should be Wildfire-tastic.
The selling points of this episode were the moments of silence: Arya's face when Tywin leaves. Tyrion's face when he thinks Cersei has Shae. Jorah's face when Daenerys knocks him back.
At least Robb Stark got some action. That's cool. Softens the blow of having to throw his mom in jail while his nemesis goes free. For a guy who's doing so well militarily, he'd been having a crappy week.
I really want a Brienne-of-Tarth-vs-Jaime-Lannister throwdown.
I'm also keen to know what Tyrion has in store for TSWRF. Wildfire and pig shit, huh? Also, there's really a character called Hot Pie?