Man Accepts Blame for Plant Rights Movement
In a just-received e-mail, Skunkfeathers explained the thinking behind a letter to the national headquarters offices of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (a.ka., PETA) in the U.S., Great Britain and Germany:
In November of ‘04, an article crossed my email regarding PETA’s latest campaign in its’ war against what it sees as culinary terrorism of animals: Vegan Outreach to Fish. With the ‘catch’ phrase, “would you put a hook in the mouth of your dog or cat?”, PETA began an all-trout assault on the catching of and consumption of fish, urging one and all to put down their forkful of Red Lobster, and take up bamboo shoots, instead.
Before I could even begin to think of protesting a vegan effort to take away my platter of deep fried catfish fillets — akin to trying to take away a full dish of dog food from a hungry rottweiler — one of my imaginary friends, Sebastian Q. Lipshiz (I think he came about after the third concussion), came up with an innovative, unexpected angle of counterattack — one I would think would have environmental tree-hugging pro-lifers in my…our corner.
On the other hand, I don’t expect Kuners, Del Monte or Hunts to jump on this bandwagon.
Below is the text of the actual letter Sebastian (a.k.a, "Skunkfeathers") dispatched to PETA officials in the three aforementioned countries:
Date: November 19, 2004
Subj: Vegan Outreach to Fish?
My dear Sirs/Ma’ams of Vegan Persuasions:
Admirable as your stated objectives are, and compassionate as your stated intentions be, I am writing to you on behalf of my many minions of the plant and vegetable world, a world enraged by your blatant hypocrisy.
You speak eloquently to the rights of animals. You speak to their having feelings, memories and thought processes. You speak of them as creatures with the same rights to live their lives as humans.
Yet, you callously exclude plants from this equation.
You say that chickens are inhumanely slaughtered for food; yet you give not a thought to what corn endures, as it is harvested and converted to…to…GRITS. CORNFLAKES. CREAMED CORN.
I shudder at the thought of it.
You claim to feel the pain of a screaming lobster as it is prepared for heartless diners. Yet, you give no thought to a kernel of popcorn, shrieking in agony before it POPS. And what of PEAS? PEAS grow up as a family unit; yet, you would willingly, even eagerly, remove them from their pod, forcibly separate them, and then callously EAT them?
And what thought did you give to snapped beans? Baked beans? REFRIED beans?
Oh, man’s inhumanity to plant life!
You argue vocifierously against doing this to a school of fish. A cow and it’s calf. Hogs. Chickens. And what is this campaign on the eve of Thanksgiving, recommending that people skip turkey and eat TOFURKEY? How thoughtlessly you disregard the feelings and concerns for a very viable, thriving plant with vitality and dreams of a green, leafy future. Since when did soybeans assume a willing sacrificial class amongst savage, heartless vegans?
You celebrate your humanity to animals, yet you callously disregard living, breathing, thinking and feeling plants, torturing and mutilating them in the name of protecting a sardine? Stop pouring melted cheddar cheese over shrieking broccoli, and take a good long look in the mirror, PETA. What price hypocrisy, PETA? Why does a sucker deserve more consideration than a beet?
Repent, you shallow, callous fauxcampaigners for a right to life. For if it is not for all, what is it?
Sebastian Q. Lipshiz, pHd
The Veggie Avenger
Editor’s Note: In the “deafening silence that followed,” Skunkfeathers said he received “nary a response” and “it became clear to me that PETA apparently considered my pot to be more and differently cracked, than theirs.”