Meat Stick Men

by AdFool | July 22, 2011 at 02:13 pm

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Allowing your self-image to be corrupted by others is wrong. It’s hard enough surviving the innumerable indignities a man must endure throughout his life but to end each battle-scarred day chastising the image in the mirror for his cosmetic infractions (ie: love handles) is a thoroughly modern – and absolutely horrible - crime.

And it’s only getting worse. Thanks to pop culture’s complete white-wash of our waking lives we have become ever more affected, and serially impacted, by any and all depictions of our supposed failures. That the subsequent directives on how to achieve perfection in spite of ourselves dovetail so perfectly with other’s ideas on “how things ought to be” is just more ironic icing on the cake. According to a recent article, men are actually beginning to develop eating disorders at a rate never before seen. And it doesn’t stop there. The numbers of Joes saying “yes, please” to cosmetic surgery rises with each passing year. Is this simply an unhealthy turn towards vain image-adoration or is it something deeper? Could we be witnessing something more along the lines of a systemic loathing of humanity and its myriad of imperfections? Honestly, these days I’d say it’s almost literally too close to call.

So it is with some relief that I welcome the new Slim Jim series of ads and promotions. While I don’t find their “Male Spice Loss” campaign slogan particularly groundbreaking (eg. their very slight play on the male hair-loss issue is actually kind of lame) I personally appreciate very much their completely non-PC approach to reclaiming (for men) the joy of eating meat that might contain mechanically separated chicken.

Thanks to busy-body, social engineer types (and luminary enablers like the US First Lady and New York Mayor Michael “Booby” Bloomberg) fast, fatty and/or salty foods are being demonized like never before. And the gallons of guilt being ladled out to those who dare to consume such fare would make even the most die-hard Catholic wince. Look, I get the importance of balancing a diet and even the necessity of ensuring the consumption of a wide range of healthy foods but stop treating average people like mouth-breathing idiots who need to be hectored, lectured and hand-held at every food-choosing turn. News flash! Fat guys know they’re fat! Really, we do. And we don’t need friggen governments putting bans on salt or soda or fast foods to suddenly make us serious about getting fit.

To my mind, the Slim Jim spots nail their particular cause celebre quite well. One ad introduces the Slim Jim paramedic team riding along in a tricked-out, late-Seventies van describing the best cure for Male Spice Loss – new Slim Jim Dare sticks. Naturally, they screech their totally rocking “manbulance” to a halt at the sight of some pasty doof riding chump-seat on his girlfriend’s scooter. The boys make eye contact, which provides all the squirmy proof anyone could ever need about the crime against ‘Manity scooter dude is committing, before the medics then hand out a Slim Jim and speed away. The voice-over reminds us that Slim Jim Dare is “made from stuff guy’s need.” Damn straight it is!

Another Slim Jim spot called “Waiting Room” is particularly funny in that a “Murse” stalks a waiting room, identifying and diagnosing several embarrassing male problems all at once: Tantric Yoga-Guy gets a Jalapeno Slim Jim, Guy Dressed to Match his Wife gets a Monster Stick prescribed his way (twice daily) and Recumbent Bike Guy has to stay in overnight for more observation.

More than anything, Slim Jim is targeting those living their lives at the direction of others. They’re singling out those fellas that are going through the motions without regard for their own core feelings and beliefs. If you’re some guy who is happy wearing skinny jeans or riding side-saddle on your mountain bike then more power to you. We all need to smile when we look in the mirror. But if you’re making choices to satisfy others or to prop up a self-image that has no bearing on who you are as a person, then you need to make some changes.....stat!

Without a doubt, I have a lot of love for anyone telling me to stop worrying about what the world says and who suggests I best start loving that face I see in the mirror. I really do. Is it all about eating processed meat that’s been compressed into handy, snack-friendly sticks? Of course not, but if grabbing a Slim Jim is the best way you can announce a newfound emancipation from the chains of popular expectation, then have at it. And what could be better than chawing down on a chewy, tasty stick of meat in glorious celebration? Maybe finding a fast-food hater and jammin’ a Jim where the sun don’t shine. At least we know it would fit fairly easily.......