Ne-Yo on Seeing TMZ Rihanna Assault Photo, 'hurt me to my heart'

by Tina Kells | February 24, 2009 at 11:17 am

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Rap star Ne-Yo has spoken out about the way he felt after seeing the TMZ.com photos of Rihanna's beaten and bruised face, but he won't openly criticize his "homeboy" Chris Brown for the alleged assault.

Ne-Yo claims he was grief stricken after seeing the extent of Rihanna's injuries which prompted him to contact both Chris Brown and Rihanna to find out exactly what happened on February 8, 2009.

The rapper says that while he feels there is no good reason to hit a woman he is unwilling to vilify Chris Brown and he won't take sides. He advises both fans of Chris Brown and Rihanna to do the same.

Ne-Yo's biggest concern is helping both Chris Brown and Rihanna emerge from the tragedy as stronger people.

"I saw the picture," he said solemnly. "That just really — that hurt me to my heart, man. Again, I still don't know what happened, 'cause I haven't had the opportunity to talk to Chris yet. But to take it to that level really hurt my heart. All I can say is, I'm praying for both of them. They're both in my prayers. I haven't had a chance to talk to Chris yet. I just wanna sit down and talk to that dude and just explain if he doesn't understand: 'That's not something that's excusable, bruh. You have to get a little smarter about whatever it is going on in your relationship. You have to get a little smarter about how you handle certain situations.' "
Still, Ne-Yo refused to be Brown's judge and jury. "I'm not going to crucify him," Ne-Yo said. "I'm not going to do that. That's still my homeboy at the end of the day. For it to go to that level was wrong. I won't say who was responsible. I won't pick no sides. I'm just saying it was wrong [that] it had to happen like that, and I'm praying for the both of them."

Can abusive partners stop the violence? Absolutely! Is there a chance for Chris Brown and Rihanna to stay together after the assault? Yes, with hard work and time apart for healing.

Experts on Domestic Assault and the cycle of violence say that Chris Brown can beat the demons that caused him to hit Rihanna if he is willing to admit they exist. He, and he alone, must recognize the cycle of violence and put a stop to it.

According to statistics from the American Psychological Association, 3 million children witness violence in their home each year and, "A child's exposure to the father [or male authority figure] abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next." One study (PDF) found that children who witness domestic violence are at risk for a slew of negative behaviors, including higher levels of aggression, lack of conflict resolution skills and "increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships."

What can be done to break the cycle?

According to licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Andrea Bonior, although Brown has been outspoken in his condemnation of domestic violence, awareness isn't always enough to prevent it from "coming back to haunt you." But, she adds, the incident may serve as a good wake-up call for the 19-year-old.

"Staying on top of it with counseling, especially as you start into your own intimate relationships, really can help," says Bonior.

Some news outlets have reported that Rihanna is considering taking Chris Brown back and that both stars are struggling with a myriad of emotions, including a desire to stay together. Can the young couple make it work together? Should they even try?

The Umbrella star is reportedly thinking about rekindling her romance with Brown, who is accused of assaulting her, after he bombarded her with gifts for her 21st birthday.

The 19-year-old singer sent Rihanna a host of presents including an iPod and diamond necklace and bracelet and also phoned her during her low-key party on Friday.

A source told the New York Daily News newspaper: "Chris called Rihanna to wish her a happy birthday. He's absolutely trying to get back into her good graces. He knows he's very much in the doghouse right now, and is doing everything he can to show her how sorry he is."

If Chris Brown is willing to admit that the violence that night was his doing alone, and that regardless of any emotional provocation Rihanna is in no way to blame, they may have a chance in the future. But they need to take time apart in the present.

The first step to ending the cycle of violence will be Chris Brown admitting fault, showing remorse and asking for help; all of which are things that his family and friends claim he has done.

Brown's biological dad, Clinton Brown -- a 44-year-old corrections officer who spoke to People magazine from outside his home in Tappahannock, Va., not far from where Brown's mother, Joyce Hawkins, lives -- says he spoke to his son Thursday. "He needed some time to get his thoughts together and regroup."

"He's very concerned about the situation and he wants to make sure that [Rihanna is] okay. This is unfortunate -- this stumble, this situation. Hopefully, he will get past it. We all have our shortcomings. We all trip." Clinton Brown adds that his son is "very remorseful."

If Chris Brown wants to control his violent tendencies it will mean a lifetime of work and ongoing counseling, with or without Rihanna by his side. While it is not impossible for abusers and abuse victims to stay together it does take time for the healing to really set in. This time should be spent apart rebuilding their individual lives.

Most Domestic Violence counselors will tell victims that they must distance themselves from their abusers and not forgive too quickly. If an abuser is serious about getting help this first has to happen without the victim's involvement. This usually means the couple must split, but maybe not forever.

For an abuser to overcome the tendency to get violent they must seek counseling on their own terms and by themselves. Once individual therapy has started and taken root the couple can then consider working through things together, but never before.

We do not recommend couples’ counseling for victims of domestic violence. Couples’ counseling allows the batterer to stay focused on his criticisms of his partner, rather than dealing with his own problems. He may even retaliate against the victim physically or verbally for what she says to the counselor. Abuse is a problem in the abuser, not a problem in the relationship.

In the past, it was thought that domestic violence was about problematic anger. It is now known to be about the abuser’s desire to control a partner using whatever behaviors are necessary. Many abusers are not angry when they use a control tactic. Abusers in treatment often say that they used their expression of anger as a way to intimidate and control their partners. Anger management programs are not designed to address the fundamental causes of domestic violence or safety and accountability issues. Anger management is not an appropriate alternative to domestic violence treatment.

It is overly simplistic to paint an abuser as inherently evil and without redemption. Many abusers were either witnesses to abuse or abused themselves. Their violence is a learned behavior that can be unlearned with a lot of hard work and soul searching.

Hopefully this terrible incident can have the best possible outcome; one where Rihanna emerges as a strong, independent woman and Chris Brown successfully beats the cycle of violence.

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jhazell

at 12:10 on February 24th, 2009

Most of us don't know them or will ever meet them. But abuse is abuse and its horrible and wrong and there is no excuse, period. If she goes back to him she is just perpetuating a problem that she will have always, unless she breaks the cycle. Its not about their celebrity or wealth, its about violence against women. Get help, anybody who is abusive.