Reduce, reuse – or else! Eco-underwear a must to save the world

by AdFool | June 15, 2010 at 09:09 am

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Earth day is right around the corner so get ready to stand up, spread your arms wide and give saintly, old momma nature a great, big loving hug. But you better make damn sure you’re wearing renewable socks and recycled underwear when you do. Hanes is celebrating the spirit of Earth Day this year and they have offered up a brand new ad (and website) to trumpet their new commitment to the environment.

The ad itself is actually pretty funny. It has two young dudes walking through a mall doing nothing in particular. A voice over intones. “James is wearing a Hanes undershirt with fabric made using renewable energy” The camera then slides to his buddy. “Pete….is not.” Suddenly, we see a little kid in a stroller give Pete the evil eye. Pete looks confused. Narrator continues. “James is also wearing Hanes eco-smart socks, made with recycled fibre.” Over to buddy. “Pete…is not.” Another kid, this time in an elevator gives Pete an Exorcist look as she presses her forehead on the glass. Pete is now starting to freak out a bit. The music gets creepy as sightings of ticked off juniors increase. “So in little ways James and Hanes are helping the planet for future generations. And Pete….. is not.” As a very nervous Pete comes to the bottom of an escalator he sees a kid waiting to kick his ass with a toy or something. As Pete turns and tries to get away we, the audience, are tasked with going to the Hanes website for more info. Funny, yes, but I gotta say I am about officially done with all this crap.

The green badgering and eco-hectoring has to stop. I have watched as the various environmental gods have been proven remarkably earth-bound thanks to their participation in gong-show revelations like the admissions of climate data falsification and destruction, the East Anglia emails, the made-up hockey stick graph and the rather inconvenient truth discovered lately that the ice caps are actually growing. Why the heck is Hanes throwing in with these Gaian harpies and their less than stellar ethics? If you want me to buy shirts and socks don’t talk to me like I’m two years old. The way I see it, it’s not about whether the climate changes or not. Of course it does – it has to. No one is arguing that. No one is arguing we don’t have an impact on the Earth. I’ve seen the streets after a parade – of course we have an impact. The question is what exactly is the impact? Can we find ways to lessen our impact while still improving life on earth appropriate to our communal needs? To continually squawk that the “science is settled” has to be one of the dumbest, most moronic statements anyone even remotely claiming scientific bona fides can utter. Science by its very nature is never settled. It can’t be. Every new discovery is simply one more thing waiting to be disproved. That’s the beauty of science. What if the science of telephones had been “settled?” Would we all have ear buds glued to our heads so we could communicate like a gaggle of insane can pickers? Probably not. The truth is that no one really knows what the real deal is and if they could only drop the political posturing long enough to try to solve the problem we might make some progress.

Why did Hanes go negative on this? If they were so bent on pushing this idea of theirs why not make it positive? Have kids smiling at “James” and hugging him, maybe giving him treats and kisses and other things because he’s such a fine fellow. Oh no, can’t have that. Must educate knuckle draggers in language they understand. Hit with big stick to make change or else. Gee whiz. What did I do to deserve this kind of tripe from a bunch of garment goons whose last big advertising coup was hiring Charlie Sheen to moon after Michael Jordan? Don’t threaten me Hanes. There’s lot’s of other fish – or underwear, as the case may be – in the sea and I’m quite confident they’ll sell me undergarments without gallons of guilt sewn inside.

Have a Happy Earth Day Hanes, but please count this clearly selfish, resource-wasting, carbon-emitting bastard – and former customer – out of the festivities once and for all. I’ll be wearing Stanfields from now on.