Retired Man's Tweet. Bill Gates?
Not only do the rich and famous use twitter. I found this one for my neighbor. Since he's retired I've left off the times to save space. What does time matter to him?
F**king dog barking!
One eye now open. Struggling to open the other.
Open eye, see wife. Close both eyes quickly.
Decide to make the best of it and get some. Smile at wife. She says, "Don't even think about it."
Smile disappears quickly.
Go sit on throne. Pass gas so loud scares wife. "Are you ok?"
Ignore wife, read Dilbert. Throw away rest of paper.
Slide in to Easy Chair in underwear. Time to plan my day.
Thinking about cutting grass. No, that can wait.
Thinking about cleaning gutters. Why? They will just fill up again.
Thinking about farting again. Ok, I can do that. Good one!
Wife passes on way to kitchen to cook breakfeast.Her butt is now huge. When we married she looked like Ann Margret.
Go to computer nook and look at porn.
Hide porn when wife comes by.
Wife goes back by. Wife starting to look good. Ten more minutes of this ought to finally crank my tractor.
Go into kitchen and pinch wife on butt.
Face smarting and red from wife slapping it. Picking up glasses off the floor.
Eating breakfeast across from wife.
I'm going shopping today, she tells me. I contain my enthusiasm and say, "Ok."
Dreams of being "Home Alone" ruined by her saying,
"You're driving me."
My right eye - the one my wife can see - is helping me drive. My left eye is eyeing every young woman that I see on the drive to shopping.
In Walmart now. I'm moving slow. I turn near the door to look back. Young woman mistakes me for greeter and smiles. It's all good. I'll take anything I can get.
I'm going crazy.
Finally back home. Crash into easy chair. Out of breath.
Watching Price is Right.
Wife comes by. She says "Thank you for going shopping with me."
I'm thinking about what my wife said. It might be code for you can have some now.
She's in the bedroom straightening the bed. I go in and put my arms around her waist. My arms do not reach each other.
She who rules the world decides she can spare some.
I give her my best effort. I tear it up. I collapse. She is saying "Is that it?" Yeah that's it.
She says, "That may be a new record: 24 seconds."
I'm thinking F.U.
In my Lazy Boy Recliner again. Look at watch. Too early to go to bed.
Son calls from Pittsburg. Wants money. No way. Who am I, Bill Gates?
Wife calls him back and asks "How much do you need?"
Go to bedroom and turn on tv. COPS is on. Bad boys bad boys, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when they come for you.
Woman is screaming and yelling. It's my wife watching wrestling on other tv.
Phone rings. Daughter wants to get a divorce and bring two children to live with us. No way, and ruin this lifestyle???
Wife is telling her, Sure honey, you come on home.
Sure, come on home. I'm made of money.
Prepare for going to bed. Did I eat any fiber today? Oh man, forgot my heart medicine. It's a wonder I didn't croak.
I lay out my clothes for tomorrow. Same clothes as today. Except underwear.
Go to closet and get out my old 44. I put one bullet in the chamber, in case tomorrow morning I don't want to do this anymore.
Put the gun in my old hunting boot.
Sit on the throne. When I get up I don't look in the mirror.
Crash gently onto the bed. Don't want to bother Godzilla and feel the wrath.
She says "Good Night. I say "Goodnight."
She says "I love you." I say "I love you, too."
I'm wide awake. My body is old but my mind is still seventeen.
If I sleep long enough maybe I can dream of glory days.
Trying to think of that one girl's name. God almighty what we did together. Hell, her name is gone forever.
Starting to drift off to sleep.
One last fart.
Then, there's another. Was that her, or was that me? What the hell does it matter... we're both the same now.
Goodnight, Twitter. See you in the mor ---- AH! Is that my heart or indigestion????
Thank God: False alarm.
One of us is snoring like a freight train.
Is it me?
Who am I?
Just somebody that lived, had kids, and is waiting to die?
Is that all there is, Twitter?
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Gadsden, Alabama, United States