Ronald McMurderer: Hamburgers kill so stop eating them or else!
Ronald McDonald is a cold blooded murderer. There, I said it - though I seriously doubt it’s something you haven’t heard before. The litany of folks crawling up on soapboxes to castigate the restaurant McDonald seems to grow daily. And it only makes sense. Think about it. Decades of providing cheap and tasty hamburgers with fries to happy parents and smiling kids, all couched in playfully plush characters surrounded by an imaginary world of friendship and fun. Obviously these McBastards had it coming.
Amazingly, I had never realized their completely malevolent approach to nutrition before. I was still under the mistaken impression they were simply a soulless, money-hungry fast-food chain. Now, thanks to a brilliant PSA provided by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine I finally know the truth. McDonald’s actually wants me dead, ‘cause that’s REALLY gonna sell hamburgers now isn’t it?
The spot takes place in a morgue (I think) as the camera slides across a dead body lying on a gurney. A grieving wife (or girlfriend) sobs bitterly while the camera continues its pan down the body to the dead man’s hand – left conveniently uncovered – showing it clenched around a half-eaten hamburger. The camera finally stops to focus on the bottom of the man’s feet – just as a Golden Arches graphic is formed around them. Naturally, the voiceover tells us how bad eating meat is and how necessary a vegan lifestyle is, wrapping the whole shebang up with their version of Mickie D’s latest tag line: “I was lovin’ it.” Oh, good one guys. “Tonight, make it vegetarian.” Oh please…..
Red alert! McDonald's is killing us! Look out, because thanks to their insidious marketing and evil flavor enhancers they are literally forcing death on an unsuspecting populace. There is little we can do, of course – we being the helpless and stupid masses – to slow our march towards the fatty death camps. If only someone cared enough to help….
Apparently, riding to our rescue is the PCRM (Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine), a group founded in 1985 and committed to “promoting preventive medicine, conducting clinical research, and encouraging higher standards for ethics and effectiveness in research.” They are also funded pretty heavily by contributions from PETA and have been accused of “doing a very slick job of obscuring their real intentions," which some claim is to basically oppose the use of meat, dairy products and alcohol. Fair enough. They can say and do pretty much whatever they want.
But then so can I. Or at least I thought I could. There are many groups working very hard these days to decide my choices for me. When it comes to food in the first world, whether we want to admit it or not, we have all but eradicated hunger as a problem we face. Think about it. If childhood obesity is really the huge issue we are told it is then someone is lying to us. Either kids are going to bed hungry every night or they’re as fat as dump trucks full of fudge. It strikes me that someone, somewhere might be working an angle, no?
The fact is that – thanks to efficient outfits like McDonald’s (and many others) - food prices have come down dramatically over the years even as its availability has increased. That we are even having discussion about societal obesity is in itself a sign of progress. Given the choice of learning to live with largess versus enduring starvation is a nice problem to have. And I know what I’m talking about. I grew up on Sally Struthers’ tearful calls to action.
The ad itself is almost laughable. Yes, we’re all sad at the sight of a dead body but the hamburger left in his hand? Come on guys – kind of ham-fisted don’t you think? (Ooops, bad choice of words there…) When are these media suck-ups going to stop attacking a target for no other reason than its size and star power? It’s so desperate.
When do we start taking responsibility for own actions again? I am so sick of the now-routine clap trap about government or task forces or schools or some other body of professional finger-waggers taking charge of my life’s choices. I’ll decide what I want to eat and when I want to eat it, thanks.
I worked at McDonald’s back in the day. The food they used was better than most and it was prepared in a kitchen cleaner than any I have ever seen since. And when it comes to preparing and selling food they’re pretty damn close to perfect. They offer choice and variety but enforce nothing. If I want to buy a triple decker piece of artery clogging stomach porn that’s my choice – not McDonald’s, not PCRM ‘s, not yours and not my government’s. It’s up to me, like it should be. So, give me hamburgers or give me death, which is one and the same to PCRM anyway.