Survivor Man trapped on tenth floor
One week ago at this very moment I awoke to medical staff, including my surgeon, mouthing the words, “YankeeJim, YankeeJim.” I could not hear them because they had just done in my hearing, implanting a wire into my cochlea through a hole drilled through what my Doctor said is a “thick skull.”
I think I was glad to be awake for about 5 seconds before “oh my God what a headache, oh my God what a pitiful groggy state I am in.”
They all acted so cheerful, but I felt lousy. In a short time they had me in a wheelchair and were putting up the “Outpatient Surgery Closed” sign. I was about the last patient and they were sterilizing all around me as I sat in a stooper in my wheelchair.
Apparently, they sent my wife for the car. We were advised to spend the night at a hotel nearby because the trip from Baltimore to Washington would be too much.
A nurse wheeled me to the lobby after getting a call saying she was out front.
Man, I felt lousy and dizzy, but they said implanting is outpatient and they wanted me out.
The nurse fellow stuffed me into the front seat and away we went. My wife doesn’t know downtown Baltimore, but she is very thorough about planning, making reservations, printing maps and such. I am usually the driver, but sometimes I navigate. At this moment, the navigator is severely wounded and no help.
I the navigator lost all of my hearing though I did have an appetite. I thought to myself, I will feel better with some food because I have had nothing to eat for over 24 hours now. I am filled with medicine.
She is driving, hurky jerky it seems. I am woozy. She can’t see the fine print on her Mapquest and we don’t have GPS. She asks me if I can read street signs?
You have to be kidding. I could barely see, but then I saw a big lighted sign with big bouncers out front: Hustler. OMG, she is taking me down the street of ill repute. I hope the hotel is not just around the corner. OMG, it is.
Well, we got to the hotel and it was a fine place once we got inside. She parked the car as I sat on a chair in the lobby. I looked at the clock to make certain there was time to order food.
Oh yes, I am sitting in this chair with a large plastic protector on the side of my head. I look like I had brain surgery. One side of my face is black and blue. I am a mess. I could not hear them, but I know people in line to check in were gasping.
My wife got us registered while I tapped on the table indicating to the ever so polite registration person to speed it up. (Later my wife said I was pounding on the table.)
Anyway, we made it upstairs and I collapsed after changing into warm pajamas. The hotel bed had lots of pillows and I was propped upright as instructed. I would be sleeping upright like this for days.
My wife had a handful of menus from places that delivered food and I selected Chinese. That turned out to be a good choice eventually, after she went downstairs to get plastic ware because the Chinese guy didn’t bring chopsticks!
That was then and this is now.
Now, I have been cooped up in a recovery and healing state for one week. I have been outside for a few short walks and such and must follow careful instructions. I have watched all of my favorite programs, one of which is Survivorman. I was watching this afternoon as the outdoors guy was stuck with his kayak and surrounded by bears somewhere in Alaska. I had a brief moment when I thought how funny it would be for Sarah Palin to pop out from the bushes. Then I dozed off.
YankeeJim, Survivorman, trapped on the tenth floor with a few essentials: an electric range, Kraft macaroni and cheese, a can of peas. I haven’t eaten since breakfast and I have to get some nutrition. I am so tired. I need another cup of coffee. (Snoring)
I awoke to rumblings in my stomach. Rumblings could have been accompanied by noise, but I can’t hear it. Not for another month. Won’t that be great to hear my stomach rumbling again? I’ve got to fix the macaroni.
“Q: Have you ever really injured yourself when filming?
A: Injuries while filming Survivorman are a regular occurrence for me, but nothing too serious. The worst was when I contracted a parasite. It wreaked havoc with my insides — in particular my mouth — for the better part of a year. I tried to cure it homeopathically, but in the end I had to give in and use the "kill-everything-in-your-system" kind of drug. This would make the second time I've been hit hard by a nasty parasite from the wilds.”
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Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada