What Not to Get Her For Valentine's Day

With Valentine’s Day swiftly approaching numerous males of our species are consumed, confounded and conflicted with the complicated process of what to purchase for the special female in their lives that best substantiates their claim of love.

A rock necklace a la Wilma Flinstone is tres passé; a chicken sacrificed in her name is just inappropriate for refined company. What options are left?

Herb Foster, an American patent trader, suggests seven items not to buy that special someone, in the October 2008 publication of Reader's Digest.

1. Don’t buy anything that plugs in. Anything that requires electricity is seen as utilitarian.

2. Don’t buy clothing that involves sizes. The chances are one in seven thousand that you’ll get her the right size, and she’ll be offended the other 6,999 times. “Do I look like a size 16?” she’ll say. Too small a size doesn’t cut it, either: “I haven’t worn a size 8 in twenty years!”

3. Avoid all things useful. A new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.

4. Don’t buy anything that involves weight loss or self-improvement. She’ll perceive a six-month membership to a health club as a suggestion that’s she’s overweight.

Foster continues with three more:                

5. Don’t buy jewellery. The jewellery your wife wants, you can’t afford. And the jewellery you can afford, she doesn’t want.

6. And guys, do not fall into the traditional trap of buying frilly underwear for her. Your idea of the kind your wife should wear—and what she actually wears—are light years apart.

7. . . .don’t spend too much. “How do you think we’re going to afford that?” she’ll say. But don’t spend too little. She won’t say anything, but she’ll think, "Is that all I’m worth?”

Brilliant advice. And I’d like to suggest a few more additions:

8. Don’t purchase her a maid/cleaning service for a day for the house. She’ll start to wonder what you actually think of her own housekeeping. Plus she’ll spend the night before cleaning up the place so the hired maid does not perceive any errant impressions.

9. Do not book a day at the spa for her. Even though massage, hot stones therapy, mineral baths, etc., contribute to a luxurious, relaxing and refreshing experience, she will be haunted by the questions: “What’s he really up to?”; “Why does he want me out of the house the whole day?” Your desire for her to experience the full benefits of this experience, will produce anxiety and suspicion.

And finally,

10. It’s a four-letter word: C. A.S.H. It is the easiest choice. It is most flexible in that she can choose what she really wants and you remain out of the picture. But it also suggests that you are not really interested in her because you give her something so impersonal, and that you also do not know her well enough to understand what gift she would like. You’ll come across as disinterested and distanced.

So what’s a guy to do? There is the conundrum. You could respond like one man I knew who for forty years gave his wife nothing. He rationalised with anyone who asked, “Why do I need to give her anything more? When she married me, she got the best gift ever—my love.”