Don't wear that: Union Jack

Has it really been 30 years since we rolled out miles of bright bunting for the Queen's silver jubilee, and simultaneously watched the birth of punk, immortalised by the Sex Pistols playing God Save the Queen on a barge on the Thames?

Not since Beowulf had such rank subversion rattled the royal gates. And whichever way your loyalties flowed, one symbol pulled us all together: the Union Jack. So while the street parties luffed with the tri-coloured crosses of Britain, the punks stained and tore the flag into a ragged icon of fashion. Those were the days.

If you're still shaving half your head and dyeing the wispy comb-over lime green, then feel free to keep slipping on those Union Jack socks, shirts, jackets and hats ad nauseam. No one takes any notice of you anyway.

That's because putting on anything emblazoned with that blue, red and white criss-cross makes you look either like some nationalist dimwit who would confuse his hands for value packs of sausages if it didn't hurt so much to eat them, or a wide-eyed Anglophile who believes that all Brits find Austin Powers, Mr Bean and Geri Halliwell as funny as he does.

You might say only a fool would buy Union Jack cardigans, dresses, boots, trousers, coats, capes and hats. But who hasn't got at least one pair of Union Jack pants? Why is this? Do you really think wrapping your patriotism around your crotch is going to somehow tip the scales in your favour? Wake up. Union Jack fashion is not only naff, it also saps the imagination with its lack of subtlety and smacks of cheap jingoistic fervour.

I readily admit that, whether you like, love or loathe the design, seeing the Union Jack flying at full mast always reminds me of home. It's the true symbol of our nation and as such works best when it flies as a signpost high above and out of reach. So, ditch the crass knock-offs and burn those pants.

Feel free to wave the flag, or not, for 300 years of Great Britain. Just don't make a song and dance about it.

http://www.afterhoursmagazine.co.uk/shopping/fashion/sfas15.html