Don't You Hate It When This Happens?

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Don't You Hate It When This Happens?

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MULTAN, PAKISTAN (Digital Dementia News Services) - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus.

Wednesday night, doctors brought Mohammad's misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object.

"Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else," Mohammad, a grey-bearded man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern central city of Multan.

The light bulb removed from the inmate’s anus was said to be a 75-watt GE long-life soft-glow. 

“This was very surprising to us because the inmates usually prefer the more decorative GE Crystal Clear chandelier bulbs.  But Mohammed was never very fashion conscious, so I guess that explains his choice.” said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. "We had to take it out intact.  Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation.  "

Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there. 

"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said.  "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners."

Mohammed had to endure the discomfort of having the light bulb in his ass for nearly a week after it was discovered while his jailers overcame their initial hysteria and stopped laughing so hard that they could manage a telephone call to the hospital. 

Prison officials denied that they had tested whether the light bulb still worked by attaching electrical leads to the inmate’s feet and that they used him as a floor lamp in the officer’s mess hall. 

In addition to the light bulb, attending physicians found and removed a set of car keys, a Nokia N80 cell phone and three avocado pits. 

The doctor treating Mohammad said he doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.  “He’s done this before.” 

The U.S. military is said to be studying the case and assessing whether similar techniques (but ostensibly using much higher wattage bulbs) might be used during interrogations of inmates at Guantanamo. 

“Sounds like one hell of a good idea!  Now why didn’t we think of that?” commented U.S. Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld.