Election 2008: Finding a Worthy Adversary

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"I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days. "

Bill Murray said that to a gopher 27 years ago and I knew, to a certain degree during the campaign season of 2006, when I played a very dirty game of chess with another animal, exactly what he was referring to. With a bit of hopeful personification, they called it Rick Santorum and it was truly something else. Santorum was my nemesis for some time before that day in November of last year, but the campaign days were truly amazing. Running an anti-campaign is an ugly business and I can justify it only by saying that my emotions run high in the political season. After all, he was an evil, greedy, hateful liar, commonly referred to in the Philadelphia Inquirer as "one of the finest minds of the 13th Century." He accepted defeat with more grace than he'd done in any aspect of his life, as his children wept on the stage beside him. It was a sad day for Santorum Youth and even I felt an irritating hint of sympathy after the game was over and it had become clear that I won. My final act had not been brought to fruition; chiefly because I could not find enough sponsors willing to fund it. The idea had been simple: to rent a luxury tour bus, fill it with beer, snacks, loud music and 50 New York City bums that would undergo a rigorous interview process, and then drive it down to the Santorum estate in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania. Upon arrival, each homeless person would be given a megaphone, a bullhorn and $1,000. What they did not know, however, was that it was a one-way trip - at least on that bus. Once the legion of homeless heroes had descended upon the lawn of the monster in his quiet suburban community, the bus would pull away very quickly and stop for nothing.

I think of this many months later, partly from nostalgia, partly from the total inundation of premature presidential aspirations, and partly in admiration of the campaign poster that still hangs in my war room (which my lovely girlfriend had so lovingly stolen from a lawn in Eastern Pennsylvania).

I drank a handful of beers tonight and I am pondering continuing my involvement in this nonsense. It is difficult to find a worthy adversary, admittedly on either side of the battlefield...but if the animals are willing to play political games in order to portray Barack Obama as a terrorist, I think it's equally fair to throw mud from the other side of the fence...and call a republican a Nazi. Why, not, after all...it seems to be the rhetoric of our day. Lies. Winston Churchill once said that the first casualty of war is the truth and this has never been more relevant. And so, here is my formal dis-endorsement of Mittler Rommel.

Things are going to get interesting, to be sure, but we all know that at least 3 of the potential candidates for what we refer to as "the leader of the free world," do not believe in science. Sen. Sam Brownback, Gov. Mike Huckabee, and Rep. Tom Tancredo all believe evolution is a myth...a nuisance.

I have become immediately unable to take these men seriously; however, they reminded me of the Santorum insanity. To that end, I have included one of many articles that I'd written in my contribution to the dark side of the Santorum legacy, if there can be any other kind. Unlike Santorum, however, these men will fade very quickly into obscurity and they should pray to their gods that Darwin (and every legitimate scientist since) was onto something, or they will otherwise be worms for ever.  At any rate, I think it's worth taking a look at our recent and historical reluctance to fight intelligence:

My impression is that Tennessee vastly underestimating incredibly that a farmer who read the Bible knew more than any scientist in the world. Such dreadful bilge, heard of far away, may
seem only ridiculous. But it takes on a different smack, I assure you, when one hears it discharged formally in a court of law and sees it accepted as wisdom by judge and jury.
Darrow has lost this case. It was lost long before he came to Dayton. But it seems to me that he has nevertheless performed a great public service by fighting it to a finish and in a perfectly
serious way. Let no one mistake it for comedy, farcical though it may be in all its details. It serves notice on the country that Neanderthal man is organizing in these forlorn backwaters of
the land, led by a fanatic, rid sense and devoid of conscience. Tennessee, challenging him too timorously and too late, now sees its courts converted into camp meetings and its Bill of Rights
made a mock of by its sworn officers of the law. There are other States that had better look to their arsenals before the Hun is at their gates.

-H.L. Mencken, July 18, 1925, on the Scopes Trial

Dear gods where are we? What terrible nightmare have we become. 80 years and we are still swimming up river. Could this dreadful bastard possibly be gaining in the polls? It seems so...but why? Have I swum too far out to sea? I felt like an amphibian when I crawled back on shore. Being alone, half drunk, half mad, 50 yards out to sea, just beyond the break at 3am does strange things to the mind, but when you finally resurface and realize that nearly a century's worth of knowledge is being pulled back over your head you start to breath differently. This is not new and it was barely ever news.

It seemed incredibly cumbersome and tedious at the time and it seems even more insane now...but this is what it looked like when it was presented in front of congress on that terrible day in June of 2001 when it very nearly piggybacked that cockeyed bit of lunacy they called the No Child Left Behind Act. The madness was penned by Santorum itself...it was called The Santorum Amendment, and it went exactly like this...


"The Conferees recognize that a quality science education should prepare students to distinguish the data and testable theories of science from religious or philosophical claims that are made in the name of science. Where topics are taught that may generate controversy (such as biological evolution), the curriculum should help students to understand the full range of scientific views that exist, why such topics may generate controversy, and how scientific discoveries can profoundly affect society."


-A proposed Amendment by Senator Rick Santorum (Rep. - Pennsylvania)

One must read this several times to understand the complete insanity and twisted logic employed by the US Senator from Pennsylvania. It is, without any argument to the contrary, an attempt to take us back to that courtroom in Dayton, Tennessee, 1925, and undermine 80 years of the most impressive era of scientific achievement. It is the most aggressive attempt to sabotage intelligence since the world began...6,000 years ago.

That's your #2.

He's gaining in the polls and I am losing my goddamn mind.

The bad guys are winning.

I. Buffalo