Get Ready for the Marlboro Mandrill

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Get Ready for the Marlboro Mandrill

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Winston-Salem, North Carolina (Digital Dementia News Services) - The tobacco industry is coming under criticism again for new tactics it is allegedly employing in its efforts to stem the steep decline in tobacco sales. While the tobacco industry has taken numerous measures to boost sales, perhaps none has stoked more controversy than the move to add members of the animal world to the ranks of the nicotine addicted.

“I think it’s sad enough to see chimps, orangutans and baboons taking up the habit, but it is nothing short of tragic when you see possums, raccoons and even squirrels lighting up!” sniffed Gladys Cannbee, a Washington based anti-tobacco lobbyist.

The National Park Service together with fire fighting organizations in 11 western states have expressed concerns that the sudden surge in smoking among woodland critters may have contributed to last season’s deadly forest and grass fires.

“I think careless smoking by woodland and grassland rodents and other animals probably accounts for 25-30 percent of all forest fires in the last three years, bare minimum!” commented Rick Tullich of the Santa Barbara County Fire Fighters Association. “We noticed an astonishing increase in the number of cigarette butts in remote regions virtually inaccessible to hikers and wondered who the hell was smoking in these isolated locations. Now we know.”

Residents in California, Arizona, Oklahoma, Texas and West Virginia have reported an increasing number of break-ins involving raccoons, squirrels and possums. “I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard someone coughing. When I turned on the light I saw this scraggly looking possum rifling through my purse. It got scared and ran off but it took a pack of Benson and Hedges with it,” complained Ann Chovey of Tempe, Arizona.

“I think it’s absolutely pathetic,” remarked a San Diego grandmother, Nina Spades. “I like to take my grandchildren to Balboa Park to feed the squirrels. We used to go with a bag of peanuts and I could take all kinds of cute photos of my grand kids feeding the squirrels. Now the squirrels won’t even approach unless you are offering cigarettes. It just isn’t the same when my photos show my grand kids handing out cigarettes to squirrels.”

A spokesman for Phillip Morris refused to confirm or deny whether the tobacco company was seeking to increase sales by marketing tobacco products to animals. The company did issue the following press release:

“The Phillip Morris Company and its shareholders are naturally concerned about the decline in the sale of tobacco products. This decline is attributable in part to the deaths of many of our customers from heart and lung disease and in part to vicious anti-smoking campaigns mounted by pink-lunged sissies and other goody two shoes. The Phillip Morris Company is carefully studying the problem and will take appropriate measures to preserve shareholder value.”

Phillip Morris yesterday unveiled a new advertising campaign featuring the Max, the Marlboro Mandrill.