Halliburton Solves Global Warming

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 From the Yes Men:

May 9, 2006

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE



    Contact: mailto:EPDU@halliburtoncontracts.com

    Photos:  http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/EPDU/



HALLIBURTON SOLVES GLOBAL WARMING

SurvivaBalls save managers from abrupt climate change



An advanced new technology will keep corporate managers safe even

when climate change makes life as we know it impossible.



"The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no

matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way," said Fred Wolf, a

Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss

conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida.

"This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate

change," he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.



Most scientists believe global warming is certain to cause an

accelerating onslaught of hurricanes, floods, droughts, tornadoes,

etc. and that a world-destroying disaster is increasingly possible.

For example, Arctic melt has slowed the Gulf Stream by 30% in just

the last decade; if the Gulf Stream stops, Europe will suddenly

become just as cold as Alaska. Global heat and flooding events are

also increasingly possible.



In order to head off such catastrophic scenarios, scientists agree we

must reduce our carbon emissions by 70% within the next few years.

Doing that would seriously undermine corporate profits, however, and so

a more forward-thinking solution is needed.



At today's conference, Wolf and a colleague demonstrated three

SurvivaBall mockups, and described how the units will sustainably

protect managers from natural or cultural disturbances of any

intensity or duration. The devices - looking like huge inflatable

orbs - will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient

gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting

defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not

go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by

catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts.



"It's essentially a gated community for one," said Wolf.



Dr. Northrop Goody, the head of Halliburton's Emergency Products

Development Unit, showed diagrams and videos describing the

SurvivaBall's many features. "Much as amoebas link up into slime

molds when threatened, SurvivaBalls also fulfill a community

function. After all, people need people," noted Goody as he showed an

artist's rendition of numerous SurvivaBalls linking up to form a

managerial aggregate with functional differentiation, metaphorically

dancing through the streets of Houston, Texas.



The conference attendees peppered the duo with questions. One asked

how the device would fare against terrorism, another whether the

array of embedded technologies might make the unit too cumbersome; a

third brought up the issue of the unit's cost feasibility. Wolf and

Goody assured the audience that these problems and others were being

addressed.



"The SurvivaBall builds on Halliburton's reputation as a disaster and

conflict industry innovator," said Wolf. "Just as the Black Plague

led to the Renaissance and the Great Deluge gave Noah a monopoly of

the animals, so tomorrow's catastrophes could well lead to good - and

industry must be ready to seize that good."



Goody also noted that Jean-Michel Cousteau's Ocean Futures Society

was set to employ the SurvivaBall as part of its Corporate Sustenance

(R) program. Another of Cousteau's CSR programs involves accepting a

generous sponsorship from the Dow Chemical Corporation, whose general

shareholder meeting is May 11.



Please visit http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/EPDU/ for photos,

video, and text of today's presentation.



                         
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