Are you sure that you are not better off being single?

What value resides in staying in a relationship that is suffocating you?  For what valid reasons would you choose to be involved in a relation that is a total negation of what you are?  Every single time you say “Yes” to your partner when in reality you want to say “No,” you are in this type of relationships, where the control that you systematically endure forces you to cease to exist.  Knowing that, what is still preventing you from walking away?  You know that you would be far better off being single, and yet you continue to bear a dreadful situation.       

When you were single, how often did your friends try to hook you up with one of their own friends?  If you are single today, how often are you asked when you will finally meet the love of your life?  What if you wanted to be single by choice?  But do you really have that right?  In our society, to be single by choice is seen as outright crazy.  How dare you be single when you are supposed to be in a relationship to achieve the ultimate goal, which is to have a family?  How dare you choose for yourself, and go against the norms and protocols to which you have been subjected since you were born?  Singles of the world, are you aware of all the attention that you are getting every single day?  You are at the center of so many conversations!  How often have you heard or maybe said, “There must be something wrong with him.  At his age, he still hasn’t found someone!  Do you think the reason may be that he was abused when he was a child?  Or maybe he’s sick, so he doesn’t want to commit.  I know he’s had a few one-night stands.  Does he use condoms?-Wait, he wouldn’t be gay, would he?  That’s it, maybe he’s gay!  Yes!  He’s so flamboyant and so high-maintenance sometimes.”

::: What type of single are you?

In this world, there are two types of singles.  There are those who cannot bear the judgments that others have of them, so they shop until they drop for a relationship, and there are those who are single by choice.  Who are the ones who are celebrated?  Those individuals who will do and say whatever it takes to be in a relationship.  And the others are the weirdoes, the anti-socials, the loners, the drifters, the selfish ones, those who reject all senses of social responsibilities.  Let’s face it, how many friends will invite you as a stand-alone to a dinner or to a party?  And if they do, how often will they be looking at pairing you up with someone, expecting that it will lead to the beginning of a wonderful love story, just like the one they supposedly had, so you will finally get to relate to them?  You must relate otherwise it means that you are unfit for this society.  If you cannot relate, you are unable to construct commonalities with your peers.  And aren’t most interactions about the sharing of judgments that people have in common, anyway?  How often did you contort yourself to embrace someone else’s preference or viewpoint, so you would feel accepted?  The problem is that every time you do this, you erode a piece of your own self.  Now be fully aware that if you choose to resist your friends’ favors, it may not take them that long to simply stop calling you.

How many times, in the days that followed a break-up, has a friend jumped on the opportunity to let you know about someone that would be perfect for you?  You cannot stay alone!  It is not an option.  It makes you a loser.  You have to be a winner.  You have to be normal.  You have to be like everybody else.  You have to be in a relationship, whatever the price to pay!  And you’d better not dishonor those who have raised you and placed so many expectations on what you adult life is supposed to look like!  For years your own mother had to cope with your dad’s obnoxious demands and mood swings.  And she stayed in this marriage because it was her duty.  And it is the same sense of duty that she has then passed on to you!  So do not be a disappointment, and do perpetuate this tradition that consists in enduring and disappearing in your relation.  Is this something that sounds acceptable?  Or are you ready to create a durable fracture with the programming to which you have been subjected for way too long, and be the first one to put a final end to such a counter-productive pattern?

The choice to remain single or the choice to be or stay in a relationship functions optimally because it is all by choice.  Anything different cannot work.  To place yourself in a situation that you resent can only force you to take insane decisions that will create horrendous and certainly irreversible consequences for your life.  The challenge is to choose for your own self and not based on what is expected of you.  Many people believe that they make choices freely, without taking in account the pressure that their environment systematically imposes on them.  The reality is totally different.  But do they have the courage to acknowledge it?  Those who are righteous about the pertinence of their decisions often times are the same who claim and pretend that they are free to choose.  Do you feel the need to defend the fact that you are involved in a relationship?  Do you need to fight against those who think that being single at your age is frightening?  If so, you may not be that comfortable with your own self at this very moment.                 

::: Do you necessarily need companionship to function properly?

Most individuals on this planet have been conditioned to embrace the idea that completion is only possible through the physical presence of a partner by their side.  If you choose to read between those lines, what does it really mean?  It entails that unless you choose to be involved with someone, it is absolutely impossible for you to reach a state of full personal proficiency, in which all that you want or need can be achieved or reached.  In other words, it suggests that empowering yourself to seek beyond (self) imposed limitations cannot exist.  By remaining alone, there is a limit to what you are able to produce in life.  You are basically reduced to the status of pathetic individual, who has no other choice but to reach a cap and from that point on be the effect of everybody else’s choices and decisions.  There is no change or improvement possible.  You cannot continue to thrive on your own passed a certain point.  Does this sound true to you?  Now, is it possible to expand your horizons by including another individual in the equation?  Yes, certainly.  However, is it utterly required? 

Have you ever felt that you had been brainwashed to resent the idea of being alone?  This society implicitly condemns the idea that feeling comfortable with yourself is a possibility.  As a result, you are constantly hammered with propaganda-like messages stipulating, for example, that a quantitative measure of personal success lies in the number of friends that one has.  Do you believe in this computation?  Do you think that your self-worth solely depends on the size of your entourage?  When an individual suddenly chooses to walk away from you, does it immediately affect your self-esteem?  Then, do you feel totally useless and worthless?  Do you need to seek the approbation and the validation from others, so you can prove to yourself and others that you exist and that you can contribute to this society?  When you genuinely feel good about yourself, there is absolutely nothing that you could ever miss or need.  When you are truthfully comfortable with what you are, can you ever require anyone else’s presence around you to be fulfilled?  Would you like to assess whether the potential lack of comfort that you are experiencing with your own self is the result from having been subjected to heavy programming or simply your choice?  The great news is that in both cases the limitation can be deconstructed and then eliminated.   

The decision to stop assuming the judgment of others to embrace what is most nurturing for you is courageous, because it forces you to break away from the mold.  It implies the necessity to evaluate in full-on honesty the quality of all your interactions and withdraw from those that you find to be toxic and counter-productive.  It also requires a serious dose of courage, because your choice to clean-up all around you is likely to be viewed as a serious act of defiance by those who have pledged allegiance to this society and its implicit rules.  Many will accuse you of separating yourself from the group, and their biggest mission in life will be to drag you back down to their level.  They will not tolerate your newly found freedom.  You choose something that they refuse to even consider for themselves.  Therefore you are a major target, instead of becoming an inspiration.  This is the way they elect to see you.  Your personal point of view might be very much different.  By choosing to live your life independently of anyone else’s expectations, you may become a model for those who are secretly and covertly seeking something different.      

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Singles of the world, do you know that you are also at the center of so much pity and compassion?  “Poor thing, spending her nights and weekends alone.  She must feel so lonely!  I wouldn’t be able to have this kind of life, believe me!  Maybe we should invite her for Christmas this year, let’s show her that we are her friends!”  At least they are talking about you…!