Authoritarian Upbringing, Indulgent Upbringing, and Clarity

by ishambat | May 24, 2010 at 05:23 pm

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The purveyors of the authoritarian model of raising children like to claim that indulgent upbringing breeds criminals and monsters. The purveyors of the indulgent model of raising children like to claim that authoritarian upbringing breeds violent people who cannot think. There is a problem with both of these claims, and it is as follows:

The two wildest generations in history - the flappers and the boomers - were raised in strict, violent, authoritarian households of, respectively, the Victorian generation and the World War II generation.

And the three most authoritarian generations in recent memory - the Victorians, the World War II generation, and Generation X - were raised in indulgent households of, respectively, the Romantic generation; the flapper generation; and Baby Boom.

So neither the authoritarian nor the indulgent parenting results in what the other side claims it to result, any more than it results in what those who partake in it believe that it would result. But I have seen something belonging to neither that does appear to work a lot better, and that is as follows:

Clarity.

Clarity meaning, seeing each action and motive for its nature and treating it according to its nature.

And it also means knowing the world well enough to be able to tell the child exactly in what consequence each action would result.

One of the most successful parents I've known was a baby boomer who, when he was young, had been part of a motorcycle gang; who then cleaned up his act and rose to become vice president of catering for a major hotel chain. When I knew him, his children were in college, getting straight A's, and in no kind of trouble. His secret? Every time his children wanted to do something, he could tell them exactly what consequences their actions would have. He engaged their intelligence, and it worked.

Clarity also means being able to see children's motives and treat them for what they are. If a child is operating from bad motives, then that should be confronted. If a child has a legitimate feeling or concern, then that should be met with compassion. There is capacity for good and capacity for bad in every person, and clarity sees both potentials and treats them for what they are.

So the real solution is neither of the no-brainers, but rather the brain-intensive approach of seeing the children's motives and treating them for what they are - and understanding the world enough to inform them rightfully as to the consequences of their behavior.

One of the worst things that one can do as a parent is misinform the child. Thus, if one tells the child that the world is one way and it turns out not to be the case, then the entire parenting is seen as a lie and falls apart. If one tells the child that they are one way and it turns out not to be the case, then we see the exact same thing. So informing the child truthfully and knowledgeably is very much a necessity if one is to have any kind of respect from the child. And, as in the example above, it works a lot better in keeping the child on a viable path than does either indulgence or the whip.

Giving correct information, and treating actions and motives for what they are, engage the intelligence of the child as much as they address the core of the child's behavior. Clarity allows children to have a good understanding of the world as it also works to enhance the positives and confront the negatives in the character of the child. Rather than raising a child with indulgence or whip, one should raise them with clarity. And this will enhance the good and reduce the bad in the child's character as much as will allow the child to know the world well enough to avoid bad paths and select ones that lead to better places.