Is breaking-up that excruciating after all…?
When you have finally come to the realization that something in your relationship is definitely not working for you, what are your options? You can maintain the status quo by keeping the relationship as it is. The problem is that it implies that you must keep on blindfolding yourself. Or you have the possibility to initiate a conversation with your partner and speak openly about the issues that are troubling you, so you can pro-actively identify pertinent solutions that will benefit you as well as all the other parties who are involved in the equation. As attractive as the second option always sounds, it is often times the first option that is selected. Why is that?
There are folks who incessantly judge their partner's behavior as abnormal, disrespectful, belittling, dishonoring, mean and diminishing. And yet, they continue to endure what they know is wrong and they stay in the relationship. They elect to suppress all their frustrations, resentment and anger instead of addressing them. They give up on themselves rather than reacting adequately to the situation and being truthful to their feelings. By doing so, they choose to widen the separation that already exists in lieu of narrowing and then potentially closing the gap to create a brand new momentum for the relation.
Have people decided that breaking-up was utterly excruciating? Have they concluded that it is in reality so much more comfortable to stay put and suffer? What if suffering were in reality a deliberate choice? For many people, it even gives their lives a meaning, something that they can share with the herds of miserable men and women who surround them. So they can never feel alone.
:::: Should the relationship be more important than you?
Why are there so many horrendous relationships out there? Who do you know never complains about his or her mate? Who do you know is entirely fulfilled in a relationship with another individual? For some, to be fulfilled only refers to the ability to acquire material goods at any time and without restriction. Only then can they truly feel alive. They need a provider. And as long as the partner continues to give them the resources to push this agenda, the connection remains optimal. For others, it is solely about being involved with someone for the sake of being in a relation. And the motivations range from the fear of being alone to having to conform to what others expect of them. What does being totally fulfilled in your relationship mean to you? What definition have you constructed and then embraced? Look at it, and wonder whether this definition is preventing you today from truly emancipating yourself and growing exponentially.
How many times have you known that you desperately needed to get out of a relationship before suddenly changing your mind? Do you remember what motivated this abrupt turnaround? Was it the fear of having to face your responsibilities and be accountable for committing yourself to this dreadful relation in the first place? Was it the apprehension of creating even more turmoil… in your partner’s life? Was it the utter refusal to stand for your own self and choose what was required from you at this moment? Was it cowardice? What encourages individuals to deliberately stay in an environment within which absolutely no expansion can be generated? What triggers such persistence, when they relentlessly try to make something that is doomed to fail work? Do they know that those types of choices condemn them to live a life, which is filled with successions of sufferings and disillusions? Do they know that inside they are dying, slowly but surely? Are you currently dying inside your marriage? Do you actually exist in any of your relationships? Are you able to voice your viewpoints freely and without apprehension, or do you systematically feel the need to suppress them, so you do not create any troubles? Every single time you suppress yourself, how does it make you feel? Can you be entirely satisfied? Or do you continue to corrode every single part of what you are? Be aware that at some point, there will be nothing left of you.
A destructive piece of programming to which most people have been subjected refers to the absolute need to preserve the relationship at all costs. How often have you shared with parents or friends your desires to regain your freedom after having spent way too much time in a bad and counter-productive relation? And how many times were your desires discounted if not totally dismissed? In this society, it is more important to maintain the status quo than it is to choose for yourself. And this conditioning is definitely not limited to relationships. It is about everything else. In other words, it is your duty to accommodate anyone else before you even start thinking of you. How often have you heard insane reactions such as, "How dare you be so difficult? Your husband works so hard, so what if he screamed at you last night! He needed to vent! He's just tired! Instead of being so selfish, you should have compassion for him!" The latter is totally crazy yet extremely common. For your own sake, it cannot depict the way you choose to assess and then treat a situation in your relation with another individual.
::: Is a relationship like a safety net?
Safety nets DO NOT exist!
::: What prevents you from being yourself in all your relations?
The fear to upset the partner is certainly the biggest reason that prevents individuals from sharing freely their concerns about a specific issue. This dynamic is what gives its full-on meaning to the expression “to walk on eggshells.” In other words, “I am ready to do whatever it takes to keep the peace in the relation!” But what peace is there to preserve, anyway? Everything has already been shattered, hence the absolute necessity to walk on eggshells at all times. The total absence of peace is what pushes people to suppress what they are, because they are afraid of reactions and possible acts of retaliation. There is no peace. This is hell. When you refrain from expressing yourself and tackling an issue which you know is affecting the quality of the relation that you have with your mate, the relationship has ceased to exist. Can it still be revived? Everything is always possible, as long as both parties are on the exact same wave length and are ready to pro-actively treat the core of the problem. But who is sufficiently honest with oneself to embark on such a shaky and certainly unpleasant adventure? It definitely takes a lot of courage and the willingness to hear what the other has to say without reacting to it.
Most of the conditioning that has been shoved down people’s throats since their early childhood is a total aversion to their being truthfully honest with their own selves. It basically denies you of your right to know what is required for creating an expansive and joyful life. Per this society, what supersedes everything else is to unilaterally embrace what the common denominator dictates. If you bow to the common denominator, you are safe. You do not make any waves and everybody is pleased with your docile and obedient behavior. You do not disrupt how society as a whole functions. Allow yourself to be guided, and nothing bad can ever happen to you. From this perspective, how are you able to address anything that you view as disturbing? Why would you, anyway? Do you really want to be accountable for sabotaging this mechanism that makes this highly messed-up world what it is today? Would you defy fatalism by bringing solutions that would make it a much more breathable place? Think twice, because it goes against what everyone else expects from you!
Do you have to share your concerns about what is going on in your relationships, so you can prove to yourself and others that you count? If you are aware that your friend, partner, spouse or parent is utterly unable to hear what you have to say, for what reason would you proceed with the intention of opening your heart? Do you have to tell it all, anyway? Or have you decided that you owed everyone an explanation about the choices that you make in your life? If the latter tends to rule your existence, remember how many times you were disappointed after having shared your viewpoints. How often were your positions, convictions and awareness totally dismissed, because they did not fit what is commonly acceptable? You do not owe anyone anything. When you are in reality all alone in your relationship or your marriage, and you know that you must leave it not only to preserve your own sanity but also to resume growing, you are free to do so without having to justify your choice to anyone. Your justifications would not be heard, anyway.
The choice to speak up about an issue shows your willingness to be honest with what is going on in your life. By doing so, you clearly demonstrate that you are willing to be truthful with your own self. But it is not necessarily pleasant and comfortable. So many people cannot handle the realization that they have been involved in dreadful marriages for over twenty years. To acknowledge the truth can be assimilated to receiving a violent slap in the face. To act upon it can sometimes be compared to being run over by a giant bulldozer. However, the rewards are always tremendous and extremely quick to come.