chasing windmills....

"It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)

When my first husband walked out one me...it sent me spiraling....the fact of it was, I hadn't been in love with him. He asked and I said yes. I had already been on my own with my oldest son for 10 years...I was 19 when I became a mom for the first time....

I wanted marrige, I wanted more kids, I wanted the things that I thought you should want at 30. He was crazy about me, wanted to get married, wanted to have kids, one thing he always said to me:

"If we are ever not together anymore, it will be you, because I am never leaving you."

Guess who left who?

It felt horrible, I felt completely awful about myself, he had said for almost five years, it would be me if it ended. And I was actually too much for him to deal with....he offered surrender without so much as a backward glance.

Came home while I was sick with the flu, said, "I can't do this anymore" said something about me never washing the dishes, packed some stuff and left.

How fucked up must I be if someone who is completely crazy about me can be pushed to give up within four years?

The fact is I find myself continually in that "what's wrong with me" spiral, all on my own, and then making lists in my head.