Deadbeat Dads or Just Plain Old DeadBroke Dads

R.S.P. Humpleby

<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 />4 Rosethorn Court

St Thomas

Ontario

N5R 6C7

 

519 633 5917

 

 

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

 

Advice note

 

You have the authors permission to make edits prior to publishing providing the essence is not corrupted.

 

 

Canada’s Legal Discrimination Against Spouses or Delinquent Spouses

 

Divorces happen and it’s now a common way of life. Most of us either know somebody who got divorced or we may even be one of those unlucky enough to have been involved in this legal nightmare that leaves many families dis advantaged with only one person getting rich from the whole thing. Mine was not much different after well over 20 years of marriage, My wife became involved with another man through work and told me one night she “wanted more out of life and that I was not it !”  Despite having a pretty well paid trade and often in the past working more than two jobs or extreme hours to provide for and give to my ex wife all the things she had ever asked for. Even continuing that after my son was born, she thought she had found something better and I was OUT !

 

I must stress that I never abused my wife in ANY WAY as she herself would testify to the fact of saying I was a very good father to my son, I supported her when she  “just wanted to do something different” as a job, or wanted to take classes in a subject she may have taken a fancy to. I don’t consider myself a bad person, often “helping others before myself” was even one of the reasons my ex gave to me !

 

How hard I took this can only be described as wearing a lead suit and jumping from an airplane with many facts that have left me still unable to cope with many things even over two years later.

 

I have 50/50 custody of my son and even though we have always had a close bond I think that we have an even closer one today. The separation process was marred by my inability to cope and a lawyer who appeared to have no understanding of what I was going through, and who made some decisions without even telling me that were to have repercussions later when he quit after I told him he was not doing his job.

 

The deep depression that I went through and still have today requiring constant medication meant I was unable to cope with the legal process by myself and left it to do its own thing. That was probably the worst thing I could have ever done but at the time I had no clue as to what to do and during depression when you consider yourself and your life over there does not seem much point in fighting.

 

We split things up and agreed over the custody before the final order was given and I thought (WRONGLY) that the legal system would see this and the fact that both my ex and myself had reasonable jobs of similar pay scale and judge accordingly. How wrong was I again ! I was not aware that my ex’s lawyer had filed for spousal support AND child custody AND other expenses that I still consider unjust. The legal system in this area has no regard for the mental state of the participants or their ability to be able to handle things. Yes there are legal clinics if you know about them and can handle going out of the house to attend. Not always an easy task. Judges are happy they will always have a constant stream of business as will the lawyers to the point that it is almost a production line that has little or worse still no quality control.

 

 

I ended up with an order that I could not fight, nor did I have the vast amount of money required to overturn it when I finally found a level of medication that allowed me to interact slightly better in these very stressful moments.

 

I moved on with my life as best I could only to be diagnosed with back problems meaning I would have to watch what I lift but didn’t let that deter me from working for a considerable time in a regular capacity until my back gave out for no apparent reason just as I needed to work to stay afloat. The economy was already showing signs of turmoil and work was getting scarce. I had to resort to using funds earmarked for my retirement just to keep going. I have been fortunate in finding a new partner myself who does not have the agendas of my ex wife and who has been supportive to the ultimate degree but even that is not enough to stave off the wolves for much longer.

 

Between a back problem and lack of work meant that I would have to go on employment income which might just about have kept my partner and me going. Or so I thought !

 

After suffering from what can only be described as “screw ups” from the Family Responsibilities office while I was working I was to be dealt a fatal blow that can only be described as a serious flaw in the legal system of Canada. My E.I. was suddenly cut through the sanctioning of a “garnishee order” that cuts into any and all legally obtained income. This effectively left me with half of my E.I. or about $190 per week to survive on. To add insult to injury my ex was working and still able to afford manicures, expensive salon appointments, massages, etc. etc.

 

There are errors and omissions within the legal system some of which I give you above. Some of these may even result in bankruptcy of spouses or be responsible for suicides, and for sure it is the reason many spouses look to hide the work they have to do even survive from the official system. It may even be partly to blame for the severe ineptitude of the Family responsibilities office that many others have had to deal with. Having timed how long it takes to get through if you are paying support with how long it takes to get through if you are receiving support I can only say there appears to be discrimination.

 

Don’t believe that last bit well if you ever have to call them then press for “receiving payments” instead of “paying” you might be surprised. Oh and it can also be a shortcut to actually getting through. The F.R.O. has no discretion as to where it takes its money and the “jobsworth” approach is to deduct as I mentioned from ANY legal source.

 

In essence the lack of quality control or even simple common sense safety measures in the legal system has left me within a hairs breadth of total financial annihilation.

 

There are good people within the F.R.O. I once talked to one so I know they have at least one. There are a small minority of good lawyers too so don’t believe they are all bad. Most of us have our views on judges so I probably don’t need to say much more on those.

 

 

I am no longer able to put clothes on my sons back, but thank to my partner he still gets the basics. The same goes for food. I normally try avoiding going begging from charity organization instead preferring where possible and in my own way to help rather than take.

 

This is not a begging letter. I prefer to call it a wake up call and warning to anyone who is going through the process of separation or divorce. It may all look greener in the other pasture but as we all know too well life is not like that.

 

Simple and easy to take steps are all that is needed to avoid many of the problems and mistakes that both spouses but in particular the legal system have happened to me.

 

When a spouse is really and truly on low income there should a simple to use and efficient method where the F.R.O. has the ability to suspend or deny payments. Taking the “letter of the law” can quite easily have negative effects on a whole person’s life.

 

Judges and the courts in this area should apply some of the measures used by their higher counterparts where state of mind or some other simple method is used to see if the case should go ahead or if there should be a court appointed representative to cover for a spouse’s inability to pay or proceed normally.

 

In view of recent news perhaps the cause of delinquency should be looked at instead of just throwing negative comments over everyone including those who have no alternative but to disappear of go under the government radar.

 

Its all good to say this spouse owes X thousands of dollars and make a big headline but what about the TRUE story. If ever media was to be useful instead of sensational then perhaps the other side of the coin should be looked at !

 

The truth about a so called few deadbeat fathers reaches much deeper and darker than most people could bear to learn about if anyone even dares to dig into the whole subject.

 

 

 

 

That is a good sum up of what the Family Courts and its systems are creating.

This sounds a carbon copy of what my ex thinks - he also disstorted the truth and made out that I was to blame, everyone else was to blame, the lawyers were to blame, the Fro was to blame and everyone in the world was against him and everyone was wrong and he just would not accept responsibility for his own actions or rather lack of actions. I was dating him 8 years from school and married 24 years! I HAD no choice but to get full time employment in the end as Chas did the "I'm the good husband and I provide for my family and I will work when I want where I want" thing. He ended up working on contract mainly weekends at the local plant in St Catherines. During the week he did f*** nothing - leaving me to work full time and still expect me to do all the housework and run the whole household. I had to have arguments to get him to do anything at all for us. He did anything for the neighbour and friends but me he did nothing for. it left me wondering how we would pay the bills cos we had a big mortgage. part time was no good. I had to go full time. Hes saying to me you don’t have to work and there we are on the bread line living from hand to mouth.

He accused me of fleecing him. How pathetic. I spent all those years looking after him, our girl and the house – I did everything for him and ok I admit that was a stupid thing to do in hindsight - and he did squat for me round the house. You know when we left he didn’t know how to use the washer, the iron or how to pay bills! Lazy ass. Like me doing all that work for all those years was worth nothing to him. I never had an affair I just got sick of living with a couch potato. You know what I found out afterwards was that the weekend we moved out he had a woman in there. He’s there telling the world what a bitch I am and how I broke his heart and how devastated he is and he has a woman in before I even got my belongings out of the house. Sure he was devastated – enough that he starts up with somebody else. He must have been seeing her before and guess what, she was a friend of a friend.

Yes he earned 3 times what I did until I went full time then is was about 2/3 of what he made. Even so, it is the last 4 years that is what the law take into account to average out and they work out what each spouse is entitled to. So yes, I got awarded a small amount only 300 a month in spousal and an equalization in child support. He got off real easy. I earned that spousal and am not ashamed to claime it back from him for the 24 years I gave him. I can never hope to earn the kind of money he makes as I don’t have those kind of skills. I had to have a job that allowed me to be a good mom too. I see nothing wrong in that. It sounds like this guy’s wife did the same and now hes bitching because he cant see where his responsibilities lie.

When we split I took my fourteen year old with me and moved into an apartment because he refused to leave the house and made it sickeningly obvious that he would prefer me and Zoe on the streets rather than move out. In any event he stopped working so that he could tell the judge he wasn’t earning in an attempt to pay less support. Can you believe that? Even though we agreed on 50/50 support he didn’t want to pay anything towards our daughter.  Because I was on the mortgage I had to paid all the bills until the house was sold because he claimed he was sick and couldn’t work (but boy he could go out and socialise). I did everything I could to make sure the divorce went smooth but every step of the way he fought me thinking he would not have to pay me a cent. That’s not the way the law works. The law worked poorly for me – I did not get everything I needed for me and my daughter because he refused at every step of the way to file his forms, answer financial questions etc. He buried his head in the sand but it didn’t go away – why do men do that? The judge finally went ahead without him and made the orders. Because he told the whole world including the lawyer that I wouldn’t get a cent the Fro had to garnishee his wages. How pathetic is that.

Because of the ecomony depression I got laid off from the office I worked in so I had no income and he still did not want to support us. He claimed I got manucures and beauty treatments and stuff. I heard that one before. What is it with men thinking women cant live without that stuff. When I was working yes I took pride in my appearance. When I got laid off naturally all that stopped as paying for bills and food was of course more important. I maxed out my card and line of credit to keep a roof over our head because my ex still did not want to pay. Anyway at the end of the fighting I was finally awarded my spousal – and trust me I need every penny – although he doesn’t see it that way. He sees it like it sticks in his throat to pay for his past. I was awarded arrears too because it took me 2 years to get things through the court. He of course is refusing to pay arrears and is doing the I’m broke and I’m sick again routine to try and get out of paying anything. He is too stupid to realise that anything he doesn’t pay is just added to the arrears. Sure he is not bringing in good money right now and that’s because he wont get off his ass and work. If he doesn’t get his act together soon the Fro will take away his drivers license and sell his house and then what will he do. If it comes to that of course I will get blamed for that too.

It pisses me off that men like this guy think they are hard done by and blame everyone but themselves. Just because the system didn’t work FOR him he thinks its biased AGAINST him. It works for both parties and works out what is fair – whether either party thinks it is or not. He obviously cant see that, as it looks to me like he is blinded by his own guilt and paranoia. My ex is the same. He just won’t grow up and move on. He does everything he can to try and turn our daughter against me but luckily she’s not that stupid. she can see what he is doing.

There are 2 sides to every story. I’ve been on the other side. My advice? Suck it up and get on with your own life instead of trying to get back at your ex and blaming everyone else for your problems.