Do you have sex for pleasure or to feel needed and accepted?
Sex often times triggers so many personal insecurities. For some it is completely taboo. For others, talking or even thinking about it is the source of great embarrassment. And yet it is fascinating to observe that inside this society, personal success is measured by the capacity to create romantic relationships, which implicitly includes the regularity with which sex occurs. But this cannot make any sense, since sex seems to disappear from most relations quite rapidly. Sex is like a major commodity, used to rate how attractive, charming, loving, valuable and accepted an individual is. Consequently, the lack of sex or even the total absence of it can generate intense and uncomfortable inner turmoil, because of all the judgments and conclusions that such a situation is likely to spark. Given all these considerations, do you have the feeling that sex is fun after all? Or is it solely a means that is utilized to reach a temporary sensation of self-acceptance?
::: Is sex about everything else but pleasure?
How often do you hear people say, “I need to get laid!”? Is this urgent need to have sex intended to spend an intimate, fun, exciting and hopefully orgasmic time with another person? Or is it only motivated by the intense necessity to release loads of frustrations that have been accumulating since the last sexual intercourse occurred? There are so many men and women who elect to utilize sex as a means to momentarily lighten their emotional baggage. It is not for pleasure. Hence, it has to be quick and sloppy. Why would people want to take their time when they are letting go of what has been burdening them, anyway? And you can easily pinpoint those who choose to have sex with this specific agenda in mind. They are the most fervent partisans of the “quickly in, quickly out” philosophy. They are also the ones who excel in the art of “make-up sex.” Since when is the presumably “best sex ever” supposed to happen after a horrendous fight? This is utterly insane! To believe that anger can ultimately generate peace and harmony is completely ludicrous, because it never does. In reality, anger creates more anger, and sex is the justification that is used to conceal it.
Most individuals exploit sex to prove themselves and others that they exist. The sexual act itself carries absolutely no other forms of consideration whatsoever. It is consummated to push at all costs the desperate “Please, see me and accept me!” agenda. And it only works one way, because it only gratifies the one who pushes the agenda, while the other person who is involved is never made aware of its existence. It is a covert operation. Therefore, the partner is systematically misled. It is very similar to the way most people use words. What matters is that what they say sounds attractive and enticing enough to someone else, even though they do not mean anything that comes out of their mouths. To feel accepted is the ultimate goal, and anything that can contribute to achieve it goes. To leave the other emotionally scarred once the fraudulent act is unveiled is always discarded, since such preoccupation would prevent the agenda from being fulfilled successfully.
Sex is used to fuel and then feed an utter need to control. It is ruthlessly abused to manipulate others. It is leveraged to seek and obtain satisfaction, regardless of the consequences. As long as the recipient believes that he or she is accepted, the form and the manner that are employed in the process do not count. Cult leaders, for example, never hesitate to have sex to recruit new female adepts. Then, they alternate sex deprivation and sex overabundance, respectively to ensure that those women go out there to recruit new male adepts (themselves using sex to fulfill their duty) and to reward them for bringing new recruits in. In this instance, sex is simultaneously provided and endured, because of the existence of an agenda that needs to be fulfilled no matter what.
Do you think that sex must be deserved? Do you believe that it must be used to reward someone? Many individuals have succeeded in convincing their partners that they need to deserve it. Isn’t it a wonderful and powerful way to condition someone? Most people embrace the idea that sex always carries a hidden agenda: their own! The problem is that only one person is fully aware of it: the instigator! And each time the other party ends-up wondering why he or she is enduring the sex instead of enjoying it, this signifies the presence of a hidden agenda somewhere in the equation. The widely entrenched notion of “conjugal duty” is a prime example.
::: When sex is dreadful, should you avoid it?
Fantastic sex does not have anything to do with the complexity of the positions, the location or even the physical appearance of the partner. Fantastic sex happens inside an environment that is totally judgment-free. Thus, to experience blissful and pleasurable sex when “limited” to the missionary position on top of a “conventional” bed inside a “conventional” bedroom is absolutely possible, as long as it does not carry any form of judgment. Of course, it does not mean that you should not have a pretty clear idea of what your preferences are in the moment. And no one is forcing you to have sex with someone you find unattractive, so you can prove how open-minded you are. It is not the point. Judgment-free sex is embracing all components and elements in the moment, without doubting or questioning anything and anyone, especially yourself. To wonder silently and with much anguish, “Am I being good right now?” simply because your partner is not moaning is a judgment. Is there a rule stipulating that your partner has to moan, so you can validate how amazing you are in bed? This is not a rule. This is a piece of programming, and you have the option to deconstruct and eliminate it at any time.
You have the power to know whether sex with such or such person has the potential to be fun. The only condition is that you must disregard all forms of sentiments, especially if they are not yours in the first place. What does this entail? How often have you been attracted to someone who was certainly not your type, and you still managed to have sex with this person? Were you truly attracted, or did you sense how attractive you were to this man or this woman? Do not hesitate to acknowledge what your true preferences are in the moment. This is the most important. Now, one may argue that a preference is the result of a sentiment. Fair enough, however has a preference ever led you to behave in a largely unconscious fashion?
As basic as it sounds, one major issue that constantly revolves around having sex with someone else is that you are not alone in the process. Your very own preferences may actually clash with your partner’s. If you are predominantly concerned about pleasure, is the other person on the exact same wave length? How many times have you thought that this one-night stand would never last beyond the night itself? That was until your assumed one-time partner asked you what your plans were for the upcoming weekend. How often did you end-up staring at the ceiling, wondering how you would get the hell out of this bedroom? This unconformable feeling of being stuck and trapped may have actually been a reflection of your ability to read your partner’s mind. He or she wanted you to stay, with the unspoken desire to start a brand new relationship together, and you perceived it. Since it was definitely not your ambition, you quickly felt aggravated.
Great sex starts with oneself. Can you really seek in someone else what you cannot even provide for yourself? If there is one person who should know how to pleasure you, that’s you! Let’s face it: everything always starts with your own self. If you refuse to masturbate without judging yourself and climax like never before as a result of your own touch, how can you perform great sex and have a phenomenal experience with another individual? By becoming fully aware of what you require sexually, you can instantly know whether someone has the true potential to be a wonderful sexual partner. You immediately sense it.
Society needs to measure everything, so multiple scales of values that pertain to all areas of life can be established. And by using those scales, people are able to position themselves and assess the relevance of their accomplishments. Sex certainly does not depart from the rule. Do you really think that the frequency with which an individual has sex means anything at all? It should certainly not be a measurement of his or her intrinsic value. Per this society, it does reflect how “integrated” or “desirable” someone “really” is. If you do not buy the brand new tablet computer as soon as it is released, there has to be something wrong with you, because you refuse to behave like the masses. It is the same thing with sex. If you do not “score” this weekend, you lose. Doesn’t it sound constricting? Interestingly enough, it is one of the main scales of values that an overwhelming number of people use to judge the quality and the pertinence of their lives.
--To have good sex is not sufficient. Sex should always be great, or forget it! Life is way too short to settle and accommodate something that is not fully satisfying. Whether sex happens in bed, on top of a desk after hours at work, over the phone, via webcam, or with oneself, it does not matter as long as you enjoy it to the fullest. If sex is not fulfilling, what do you need to change about it? And you’d better not put the blame on your partner… because you are the one who chose this person! Finally, if sex is of no interest whatsoever to you, I am sure that you have other areas of concerns, and it is more than fine.