Does sex scare the hell out of you?
The decision to have sex with someone else requires one major element. You must agree to take all your clothes off in front of another person, who himself or herself has to be in line with the exact same agreement. Then what is left of you is this sense of extreme physical and emotional vulnerability to which no other situations in life can truly compare. And this tends to be excruciatingly uncomfortable to most. Why is that? To fully assume the reality that being completely naked in front of another individual represents, whether he or she is the spouse or a lover, is not a task that is often times tackled with much ease and calm. For so many men and women, nakedness alone or in front of someone else triggers successions of judgments that take their source inside an emotional slump that should be kept buried deep inside at all costs. Unfortunately, once again they emerge because the sex is about to happen! So how fun can the sex be after all?
Way too many individuals perpetually lie to themselves. They pretend that they love sex, that sex is good, or that they know how to do it right. In reality, sex evokes for them tremendous levels of distress. So they need to compensate by creating a façade that certainly does not hide their inability to feel comfortable with their own selves and their own body. They need to prove what they are not. They need to conceal their flaws. They are the ones you must avoid like the plague, because they will destroy you emotionally and physically. Are you one of those pretenders who want to contaminate others with your destructive emotional baggage? If so and if you love it, just do not change anything and stop reading.
:::: Why do you utterly refuse to be comfortable with yourself?
What is still preventing you from finally acknowledging that you are not comfortable in your own skin? And why should you recognize it, anyway? For what reason would you elect to beat yourself up, when it seems so much easier to sweep all your concerns under the carpet and pretend to be what you are not? Is it that easier? What repercussions does such attitude have on your life and your ability to create healthy connections with yourself, people and things? Do you want to confront your flaws, or would you rather go on with your existence ignoring them? It takes a lot of courage to see without any biases what is not working, simply because you created it all. There is no one else to be blamed but yourself. No one is responsible for what you are today and what you have become throughout the years. You are the only one who is accountable for all those choices that you have made, including allowing others to break you and mold you, so you can never feel good in your own skin.
As soon as you catch yourself judging anything about the way you look or the way you behave, it is time to take a deep breath and chill for a minute, because it signifies that you are not at ease with your on self. And when you are not at ease with your own self, there is nothing that you can do to improve the situation, except for eliminating the incriminated judgments. However, how convenient is it to maintain a judgment in existence, even though you know so well that it contributes to undermine what you are? “Just the thought of giving oral sex disgusts me!” or “My breasts are way too small!” are considerations that you may be able to share with your best friends, so why get rid off decisions that allow you to relate to others? You must remember that if you cannot relate, you expose yourself to the risk of being alone. And who is really ready to take the chance? Therefore the choice to feel uncomfortable with yourself is carefully premeditated because it serves an agenda. Sadly, the agenda supersedes everything else, including your sanity. But who is willing to assume the existence of agendas that are utterly counter-productive? Also remember that most individuals need to be right about the pertinence of their choices, so they would rather keep-on being right and destroy their lives than inviting a moment of clarity that could bring change and expansion.
The elements that make people uncomfortable with their own selves are often times the exact same ones that they see in their mates and that they resist with all their strengths. Sarah and George were married for a few years. Sarah could not stop affirming how much she hated it when her husband would be in the house, because his “dark energy” would systematically drain hers. The problem is that she was totally unable to acknowledge that their personalities were the same. They both were opportunistic, angry, resentful, insecure, in need to be right all the time, and totally dismissive of their children’s concerns. The sex life was quasi-inexistent. How else could it be? Two people who intrinsically hate what they are cannot create a harmonious relation with themselves and others. Did Sarah and George believe that they did not deserve to be comfortable? Who knows what twisted agendas they had elaborated? Ultimately, they must have persuaded themselves that their marital situation was as good as it gets because somehow the money was still coming in. You resist others for what you hate about yourself. The beauty about it all is that you can change that. Do you want it though?
::: Is sex scary because you scare yourself?
When you look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see? Or rather, who do you want to see? Most individuals systematically refuse to see clearly anything about their reality. Instead, they prefer to construct some sort of artificial world that dramatically disserves their self-esteem. What may look like a meaningless touch on a breast that is judged bigger compared to the other has the potentiality to be ravaging for your sense of self. How many other so-called “insignificant” decisions have you made and that are affecting your ability to feel secure with what you are and grow? How many judgments have you formulated about your own self, which are currently scaring you away from yourself, and consequently pushing others away from you and leaving you scarred? When you stand naked before this other person, does it all come up to the surface? So what do you do? Do you force yourself to have sex and it happens to be excruciatingly dreadful, or do you take a shot of vodka or smoke a joint, so you can numb all your senses and forget about the emotional and physical pains that you choose to inflict on your mind and body?
If you try to perpetually convince yourself that sex is some sort of activity that should be taken lightly, you are dead wrong. It should definitely be pleasurable. It should definitely be an intimate and emotionally rewarding connection between two individuals. However the choice to have sex when you are not fully secure with your own self can have irreversible effects that will leave you scarred for life. Every single element that composes your emotional baggage is a scar. What proportion of this emotional baggage that you have been dragging behind you for way too long relates to issues inherent to your sexuality or to sex in general? If you choose to answer this question honestly, you realize that your judgments about sex, your sexuality, and intimacy are currently playing major parts in what is currently limiting your perspectives in life. So what should change? Well, do you want to assess whether some of your values, which are constructed on top of those judgments, are worth being maintained in existence much longer? Are you ready to take the risk of reinventing what you are and lose what you thought was your indelible and inalterable identity?
Why does intimacy freak you out? Who told you that it was wrong? Who told you that being intimate with yourself was abject? It is assuredly counter-productive if you do not feel comfortable with yourself, because you will only attract individuals who, deep inside, also despise what they are. And the simple equation “issues plus issues” has never equated to “individual and collective expansion.” It simply generates more issues that add more load to your emotional baggage. To become physically and emotionally attached to someone who displays the same personal insecurities as you can only be destructive. The solution is to gain the ability to put all forms of emotions aside, so you are finally able to see clearly how you function in regard to yourself and others. This is certainly not an easy task. However it is worth the effort! Without full-on clarity, life can only be a succession of struggles fueled by this insatiable need to belong and be loved at all costs.
Nothing can scare you, as long as you choose to look truthfully at the way you approach everything in life. Fear comes from the unknown. And the unknown is the prerogative of those who are asleep and refuse to be bluntly honest with themselves and the choices that they make. Unless you love it and it allows you to relate to others, to be fearful is lame. To dismiss all fears is the only way that you have at your disposal to build a strong sense of self. Once you have dismissed all fears, you can never be affected by anything or anyone anymore. Once you have dismissed all fears, you are finally able to become crystal clear about your intentions as well as others’.