Domestic Violence and Self-control
According to the latest research, the main predictor of domestic violence is violence-supporting beliefs. The man who does not believe in being violent toward the women in his life will strive to refrain from using violence toward women in his life and will feel guilty if he commits it. Whereas a man who believes that men should be violent toward women will be unapologetically violent and will persist in being violent toward their wives and their girlfriends, even if they are with women who are willing to treat them well.
These men need to be rid of their delusions of strength or righteousness. A truly strong person controls himself and does not use violence inappropriately. And a truly righteous person is determined to treat the next person rightfully, whether or not such a person can protect herself from him. Indeed, with people who cannot defend themselves - such as his wife and his children - he will be especially cautious to moderate what he does with his hands and his mouth; for that is what righteousness demands of him.
And so does true strength.
If you are a good-intentioned man who does not want to be violent to your wife or your girlfriend, but feel occasionally tempted to do it, the main part of the solution is self-control. And self-control is something that any man can do. If I, who have never seen myself as a particularly strong person, can keep from getting violent to a woman who by her own admission was at her worst behavior when she was with me, then so can the next man. And that puts a lie to the claims of many others that the women deserve it, or that any man would do it, or that there is no other way to solve the problems in the relationship except through getting violent.
I am not saying this to state that I am better than the next person. I am saying this because this needs to be heard. I am saying this because there are millions of women suffering in horrible situations with men who think that they are strong people but would not control themselves around their loved ones. And what I have to say is a refutation of all these people's claims and excuses. If I can control myself around a woman who is by her own admission at her worst behavior, then so can they control themselves around the women that they have.
These same people claim to have family values. Well I got the news for them: Family values demands things of the man as well. And the main part of the demand is that the man exercise self-control and keep himself from hurting his wife and his children.
I am not gay. I am not promiscuous. I am not a womanizer. I am a loving father who seeks better future for his little girl and knows, from experience, that domestic violence is completely unnecessary. And I am someone who knows from experience that, if I can keep myself from being violent to my wife, then so can any other man.
As anyone affiliated with the military or martial arts will tell you, self-control is a part of all real strength. Uncontrolled strength is an ugly and destructive force that injures people who care about you while the rest of the world looks on you rightfully with contempt. A man who has physical strength but no self-control becomes both a thug and a loser. He hurts those who love him and drives away those who love him. And through his abusive behavior he becomes so unattractive that nobody else would give him the time of the day.
For people with problems like this - and there are many people with problems like this - it is self-control that is the real solution. That way, they will be able to keep themselves from injuring the people who love them and will instead use their strength in a smarter, more focused, and more effective, manner, in situations that truly demand it. And yes, there are any number of situations that may demand use of force, whether it be against Muslim terrorists who want to blow you up or against bike gangs that want to lure your daughter into prostitution.
If a man really is a strong person, then he will work on self-control. Children and wives are not appropriate targets of violence. I am not advocating that men be weak; I am advocating that they be smart. And that means controlling the way in which they use force and prevent it from injuring and driving away the people that they love.