the enemies of true love

If i asked you to define what true-love is, would you be able to do it off the top of your head? For me, it takes some contemplation.. On another forum, i've proposed true-love is minimally: trust, respect, and capacity for forgiveness.. But that says nothing about what makes true-love 'work' in practice or what enemies of true-love may lurk in the shadows..

Quite unequivocally, i proclaim the enemies of true love are: lies, deception, mistrust, and ego. Not that you must bare your soul to all potential mates, that's not what i'm suggesting, no. Nor must you share every mental infidelity you might have on the way to work/school/play. i'm not arguing for over-simplistic / idiotic honesty. No way .. What i'm arguing for is basic honesty, about your feelings and what that person means to you, also, how others might fit into your priority scheme. That way, your significant other can know how they 'fit' in your life and priorities. It's just common sense. Next, i argue for trust: we must all take that leap of faith in any relationship whether it's parent-child, sibling-sibling, mate-mate, or enduring friendship. Trust is the fundamental core issue/value that allows anything else 'on top of that'. When you have trust, anything becomes possible. Again, i'm not arguing for idiotic 'give everything' trust where you discard your good-judgment. Trust takes some judgment. “Can I open my heart to this person?” or “Can I trust them with my heart?” Both are great questions to ask yourself before you take that leap of faith we call trust. Next comes the golden rule: give what you expect. If you want respect, give it. If you expect trust, give it. Trust and respect are like true love: 'two way streets'. Never are trust and respect one-sided in a healthy relationship. Never. Finally, the capacity for forgiveness. Did i say you must unconditionally forgive everything? Every infidelity? Idiotic. No. i never said you must forgive everything unconditionally. If someone breaks your trust, it's natural for you to mistrust them, but forgiveness allows relationships to move forward. Forgiveness allows the possibility to overcome the natural mistrust you have for broken trust. Forgiveness is core to realistic lasting relationships.

Now ego, perhaps, is the worst enemy to deep/lasting relationships even above mistrust. Recently, i've found out 'the hard way' that mistrust can prohibit a relationship to grow but ego gets in the way of sharing / true intimacy. Lies and deception break trust. But ego is like a wall to intimacy.. So we have all these obstacles to deep intimacy: lies and deception (breaking trust), mistrust (not allowing trust to grow/flourish), and ego – the barrier to intimacy .. The only time i was able to be wholly intimate with a woman emotionally was to let my ego go.. Just let it go.. Love selflessly and completely – giving myself completely to the woman. Sure i made myself vulnerable, but that's the nature of love. After 49 years, i'm absolutely convinced: ego is the enemy of love.

Some might confuse self-esteem with ego.. It's not the same. Self-esteem is the natural tendency for a human to feel proud of real accomplishments.. There's nothing wrong with appropriate self-esteem. It's when we take that 'too far', then we get into trouble. ^^ It's personal judgment when self-esteem becomes ego.. Sometimes you need an exterior point of view. ;) Okay not sometimes – all the time. ;) [giggle] i'm no exception .. i lost my last friendship by: listening to others' doubts about her, expressing those doubts to her (a kind of idiotic honesty), getting defensive about her lies (blaming her not her bad experiences), and then lashing out at her – all the indifference i felt from the beginning.. ^^ One excuse is that i'm a middle-class boy, she's a high-class girl, and i have limited experiences relating to that.. ^^ Really i have no valid excuses.. Her mistrust and my ego were the enemies of our relationship. In the end, the enemies of love won. :(

My point here is: don't let the enemies in your relationships win.. Fight for true love.