Is every girl really jealous of someone?
Four years ago, Maryann met John at a corporate sales meeting. They started dating and soon after moved-in together. John had been previously married, so his three kids would visit him and Maryann every other Christmas, at Spring break and during half of their summer vacation. Everything was fine until a couple of months ago, after John told her that he would enroll the kids into the neighborhood’s school “because it was better for them to be with their father instead of living with a screwed-up mother.” Maryann did not react to this announcement. In the following weeks, the three kids became extremely rude and insolent with her. “You are not my mother, so go to hell!” is what her private life had suddenly turned into. The day the oldest stole money from her wallet, she finally decided to confront John, and the unilateral decision that he had made to have those boys stay and live with them. All she heard was, “If you really love me, you’ll also learn to love them! It’s so unfair of you to be jealous of the attention that I give to my own children!” She packed her belongings, left, and hired a lawyer to have her name taken off the lease she and John had co-signed.
Jealousy is often times used as a weapon to shut the other up. Jealousy is a sentiment that carries such a negative connotation that it is easy to exploit it to abuse and manipulative people. How many times have you shared your views about an emotionally loaded situation, and all you heard in return was that your jealousy was the reason behind whatever was happening at the time? To stand for yourself when toxic people are showing up in your life is not jealousy. It depicts a desire to live a healthy life.
::: Is jealousy an admission of great incapacity?
When you feel entirely secure with yourself, for what reason would you have to revert to jealousy as a reaction or as a way to express your feelings? When you are fully confident about your abilities in all areas of your life, do you feel the need to possess what someone else owns? Maybe are you afraid that something may be taken away from you? If you think about it, can anyone ever deprive you of anything? If not, can you really miss anyone or anything? It is the fear of missing something or someone that creates a constant state of inner struggle. Most people are afraid of lacking. They are scared of change. The status quo is viewed as a sign of stability and therefore it is considered healthy. Is that true? Why would you choose to hold on to a rotten apple? But do you really want to admit that the fruit is not fresh anymore? For most individuals, separation equates to void, which is utterly unbearable. It is so painful that it motivates so many men and women to stay in dreadful relationships. In other words, it is better to be abused than having to recognize that a situation has become extremely precarious and that it now necessitates action and change.
The extreme level of anxiety that originates from having to experience void or lack is so predominant that it is often times used to push the jealousy card on the fearful one. And the main purpose is to manipulate. In some cases, it is utilized to destruct. Reflect on a time during which you remember having been jealous of someone. What was the jealousy all about? Maybe was it the exacerbated attention that your partner was giving someone else? Or were you resenting stagnating, while people around you were progressing on either a personal or a professional level? By the way, why can’t you have it all anyway? Does it have to be either one or the other? Do you think that being satisfied across the board is indecent and therefore inacceptable? If you have a successful career, does it mean that your personal life has to be horrendous? If your marriage is a blessing, does it signify that you can only struggle financially? Those beliefs are profusely widespread, and they generate voids, lacks and therefore jealousy.
How many times have you heard the infamous, “You’re being ridiculous. You’re just jealous!”? Were you truly jealous or did you feel that something was not right, so you dared speaking up about it? Jealousy is a counter-productive emotion that so many people resent embodying. Thus to arbitrarily label someone as jealous can be used as a wonderful controlling tool. An individual who is wrongfully labeled as such will tend to do whatever he or she can to get rid off this label. However it often times comes with a price, which is the necessity to give up on the initial instinct that led to the blowup. You were never jealous of this other woman. You simply recognized that she had a toxic hidden agenda, and therefore you reacted. Because you stood for yourself, those who refused to hear your words chose to stigmatize you. So you renounced your realization and you divorced yourself to accommodate a situation that only the blind ones were wishing to maintain in existence. At that time, you had chosen to become totally powerless and incapacitated.
::: What prevents you from speaking up your mind?
Do you avoid speaking up at all costs, so you can get around turmoil? “Do not make waves, shut-up, comply, and just do it for the sake of the family.” Does this sound all too familiar? Anyone who chooses to assume the reality of such a statement cannot be the valuable product of his or her own life. Anyone else is who matters. You are nowhere to be found in the computation. You give up on yourself, so everything can supposedly runs smoothly for the greater number. In other words, suppress yourself, blindfold yourself, and alter your entire awareness, because that it is the only alternative if you want to cruise through your life without turbulence. Is that really the case? Or is it what you have been told, so you would allow others to control you? If you were to choose to be yourself at all times and consequently override this piece of programming, how much discomfort and unease would you end up creating all around you? You may be able to bear it, but I highly doubt that it would be the case for others. To recognize that another woman wants your man has nothing to do with jealousy. It is a fact if it is your awareness. And no one has the right to deny you of what you know, so do not let yourself be crushed by the pressure or turmoil that your level of consciousness creates in others’ lives. If they cannot handle it, it is not your problem.
Are you ready to create discomfort and unease, if that’s what is required so you can be in full-on control of your own life? But can you truthfully deal with discomfort? And are you prepared to tolerate retaliation against you for having indirectly created unease in other people’s lives? Do you seriously think that you have the strengths to acknowledge what you see and what you know, regardless of the reactions and the resistance that you will have to face from those who rather prefer to remain unaware at all times? You stand for yourself when you choose to know and address what is troubling you. You give up on yourself when you elect to suppress what you desire, so you can desperately attempt to make something work, like a relationship. Ultimately, what is a brief moment of discomfort compared to a lifetime of pain and struggle? Sadly, most men and women tend to pick the lifetime of pain and struggle, because they have decided that they do not have the courage or do not want to make the effort to deal with a situation that has ceased to work.
Who really chooses to speak up his or her mind? There are not that many people out there who elect to do so, because they believe that it creates hurt, and they cannot sustain the idea of being judged for hurting anyone. As a result, an overwhelming majority of interactions are totally opaque. They are solely based on assumptions, which can only push people away from what the reality is. Most relationships are plagued by series of assumptions that are continuously constructed. And assumptions exist simply because of this total refusal to speak, exchange, converse and build something together. Instead, one builds at the other’s expense, without any regards whatsoever. As soon as trouble appears, the goal is to dismiss the problem, no matter what it takes. Judgments and labels are then relentlessly used to achieve this urgent mission. The “jealousy card” often times becomes the preferred choice.
If you are fully aware that there is a woman who is after your man, and this situation does not work for you, you have two alternatives. The first one is to second guess what you know and, as a result, start constructing judgments about you, such as, “I am just being jealous, and that’s terrible of me.” The second option is to acknowledge your awareness, share it and observe the reactions that your choice is creating. It will open your eyes to what life is requiring of you next.