Fight! Fight! Fight??? Breast Cancer

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Fight!

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uploaded by SmilingStrong

I view this (kickboxing) picture and I am giving a traditional roundhouse basic kick. I am no "Charlie's Angel". I am simply an aerobic kickboxing enthusiast. I find it empowering, challenging and physical in a special way that works very well for my personality and has for years.

In this picture my face shows my teeth gritting to express the anger and fear of the disease. 44, with invasive breast cancer. The fear of not living up to the expectations of my friends and family. The fear of not learning my "pink lesson", or my "awakened life experience" was splatted all in front of me....along with my diagnosis, tests and treatments.

This photo session was taken after my 4th of 6 sessions of chemotherapy. I had canceled this photography session several times with my friend Kristi. The energy was just NOT THERE! I wanted these pictures to project strength and fight. I wanted to give some inspiration and fight. Finally after 4 days of bedridden chemo side-effects, Kristi (photographer) continued to call and asked with no pressure, "Can you do this today?"

She had called me several times that week and I just could not muster the energy to even smile for a few photos. I was able to get gas one day. I was able to get a loaf of bread and milk the next day. The following day I was able to walk to the mailbox and get the mail. These small chores became basic activities that launched a measurement of progression to get my energy back. 

Kristi's support and persistance to help me remember why this pictorial project was so important for me to complete, helped me to gather the energy to mentally work toward the final photography session that we spent together.

I began to work myself mentally into a state of strength. I could do this! I just needed to remember the reason and what I wanted to give to anyone...even one person, something that might help them through from one place...to the next. If it helps with one step, one smile, then I have given something.

I had really worked hard to pull myself together for "a purpose" that I thought was important. Chemotherapy had worked me over. Kristi (photographer) helped me to refocus and find that energy; find that energy to accomplish my goal which at that point had become "our goal". Kristi and I were one with the importance of what we wanted to give, which was ANY piece of ANYTHING that might offer some peace, a smile, comfort or even a giggle. 

I was five chemotherapies into my chemo treatments. You could have spun me around in a tea-cup country fair ride and I would have needed 3-4 months to find my car.

I believed all of my friends wanted and expected me to be positive and have that  FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I have always had a very public stoic presentation to others. To my family, I presented a fighter that overcome every obstacle! My family felt relieved in that my history had shown that I could once againe overcome a large obstacle. Basically anything I set my mine to do---I did!

What my family didn't expect was for me to be in total confusion. How could I take care of myself? What did I need to do? How could I take care of them? How could I keep them strong? How could or would things work now? How do I take care of me? This was something that I had never developed a skill.

My realization was that I did not have all the tools needed to do this for my loved ones. I didn't have any of the skills to deal with my own emotions or ability to surrender and be vulnerable. This gave me an anxiety and fear like I have never known.

There are so many small stories about learning about my family and friends, love and support. The love and support that was given to me by them and even total strangers and family members I have met only once or twice gradually broke down those icy independent walls.

Breaking these walls down allowed me to understand and accept that...............when I was too weak to fight; when I could no longer fight for myself....(I could if I surrendered I could, accept this love, compassion and help) there were so many people willing to FIGHT for me! They fought for me in their own special ways. All I had to do was open my heart, trust and accept.

This sounds so easy...it was one of the most difficult lessons of my life. I was 43, single and had lived a life of strong independence. NOW, I was surrendering what I thought was "my power" and people I never even knew were helping to guide my heart and life toward health and happiness. Trust Vulnerability Acceptance Surrender---are the words that come to mind as I finish my comments.  Be Well!