Parenting: Compassion and Toughness

There are proponents of compassionate parenting and there are proponents of tough parenting. It is my belief that one has to be both - not in the model of compromise but in the model of finding correct application for both. One needs to be tough to defeat the bad behavior, and then one needs to be compassionate to deal with the source of the bad behavior. That way, the bad behavior is defeated, while the person behind it is dealt with love.

On Australian show "The Strictest Parent," two Western teenagers - a male who was partying to the point of neglecting his schoolwork and a female who was drugging and getting expelled from schools - went to India for a week to live in a strict Indian household. The first step the Indian parent took was take both of them to show the slums. For the male, that was enough; he realized the dangers of the course on which he was and started thinking about his future. For the female, it was not enough.

The reason was that the male was doing what he was doing because he enjoyed it and wasn't thinking much about his future, whereas the female was doing what she was doing because she was miserable. And what worked for the female was when the Indian parent took the time to reach out to her, listen to her, and give her the love that her mother and father were unwilling or unable to give her. After which she started to care about her life and went on to higher education. In one case the person was simply thoughtless; in the other case the person was living in darkness. Showing the results of thoughtlessness worked for the first person. Love worked for the second.

I am not advocating simply a mix, but rather a correct mix. One does not act indulgent toward bad behavior, nor does one act cold or uncaring to the child's genuine concerns. Toughness defeats bad behavior, compassion nurtures the person. In this way is nurtured and grown the person and is incentivized good behavior on their part.