Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - A Reflection

It is funny how a day like today can effect me so deeply. I knew it was coming - it does every year. I still get overcome with emotion.

PTSD.

It is strange to think that the war was almost 18 years ago. Sometimes it feels like such a very, very long time ago. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes, I wonder if it ever happened at all.

I don't talk about my PTSD that often. I write quite often about the physical effects the war had on me, but the emotional/psychological part is so much harder to talk about. They both have touched my life fiercly, and to the same extent.

All these thoughts and memories and such flooded over me today.

It is a motley of feelings. Not all are bad. I learned so very much from my experiences as a soldier. I feel I have a deep level of understanding of things like respect, good and evil, bravery, sacrifice, honor, teamwork, and loyalty. They were hard learned lessons. My service also taught me to be grateful for things and not take simple things for granted. I can't say I don't slip up, but when I do, my conscience corrects me every time.

My emotions run very deep. I am not a shallow-minded person. I often think too deeply about things and over analyze. I am always so concerned about doing "good" - "the right thing". I can't help it. It is just how I am.

After seeing the things I have seen, I will NOT be any other way!

I apologize way too often for my actions or my words. I don't want to hurt or upset anyone.

But I am just me. I am not bad. I have SEEN bad. The ones who are truly bad do not apologize.

PTSD is not an abnormality of the human mind - it is a very normal reaction to very abnormal events.

I will always remember the feeling of the sand between my toes...