Shouldn’t you thank this slut for stealing the love of your life?

Don’t you think that it is way too easy to label as a slut the woman for whom your boyfriend or husband is choosing to leave you? Things happen, even in the most unexpected way. However, do they totally come from left field, or do they ultimately happen because you systematically refuse to see what is going on right in front of you? There are only a very few affairs that invite complete strangers in the equation. Most of the time liaisons happen inside the circle of trust. And for this reason, the dreadful sensation of betrayal is so much more vivid, making the uncomfortable situation so much harder to process and digest, if closure ever occurs. Because a great majority of affairs develop inside people’s immediate surroundings, suspicion is often times absent. Because most extra-marital idylls involve individuals who are blindly trusted, the sudden revelation of an unofficial relationship always comes as a total shock. But should it come as a total shock?

The notion of “victimhood” cannot be pertinent, simply because the choice to believe in blind trust is absolutely stupid. Does it mean that you should never trust your mate? Certainly not! However, the deliberate choice to blindfold yourself, so you can push an agenda, can only generate turmoil. So is she really a slut if your husband left you for her? Is he truly the biggest piece of trash that has ever existed if he picked her over you?

::: Can you really prevent an affair from happening?

When you need to allocate your efforts and energy towards preventing a situation from happening, it means that you judge this situation as bad. Well, what if all affairs did not have to be necessarily destructive? Even though the latter may sound absolutely outrageous, to ask yourself this question with an open mind may be worth the shot, because the answer could have the potentiality to create expansion in your life. Liaisons do not ineluctably have to be annihilatory, if they are not intended to destroy anyone’s soul and spirit. An extra-marital relation can ultimately generate happiness, if it is not used to retaliate against the official partner. Why do most men and women sleep around, anyway? Is it really for the fun of it? Or is it the only way that they have found to prove themselves that they can receive from someone else what they are not receiving at home anymore? But why aren’t they getting it any longer? Most men and women are utterly unwilling to find an answer to this question, since it would force them to look at themselves in the mirror. Instead they choose to punish their official partner for the horrendousness that now characterizes their relationship.

The need to prevent your spouse or your partner from having an affair means that the totality of your energy needs to be devoted to this enterprise. Every single second of your day is allocated toward maintaining a constant state of suspicion. Otherwise, how will you know? But what does it mean to be suspicious, anyway? Is it only based on tangible facts, or is a major part of it constructed on assumptions, which themselves are based on fantasies and other unrealities? Beneath the desire to retain control over the relationship, the reality is totally different. What is ultimately created is a complete absence of control, which generates greater levels of suspicion, anger, resentment, doubt and anti-consciousness. Moreover, the choice that your partner makes to have an extra-marital relation may assuredly indicate a definite uneasiness that depicts what the core foundation of the relationship truly is. And the choice to deny this reality by policing his or her behavior only contributes to worsen the dreadfulness of the interaction.

The need to control a rotten situation cannot work. However you have the power to prevent the situation from existing in the first place. But it takes a lot of courage to admit that what you desperately want to create may not happen when you want it to happen. At age thirty-eight, Karin told me that her plan was to marry someone and be pregnant by age forty. She was married on her thirty-ninth birthday, and two months later she was rushed to the emergency room for massive internal bleeding after her husband had beaten her with a baseball bat. Even though there is no affair involved, this story very much pertains to the topic. Her resentment of remaining single and, consequently, her desire to be married by a certain age disallowed her to see all the red flags that her now ex-husband had waved right before her eyes on their very first date. One of them was a brawl that he started after a man had inadvertently pushed him in a bar. How many red flags did you elect to ignore at the time, and that indicated from the very get go that your current relation would not be as blissful as you wished it would be?

::: Is the other woman really a slut after all?

Three years ago, Julie married Mark. Lucy, her best friend since childhood, was her maid of honor. Last month, Mark left Julie and their two young children to move in with Lucy. At first, Julie experienced anger as well as an intense sentiment of betrayal. Then, she started to play the same old record over and over again. “I swear to God, I didn’t see it coming! We were so happy together, I don’t understand! This slut stole him from me!” Did Lucy the slut really steal Mark the infamous and shameful husband and father of two? Or did Julie choose to sweep under the carpet something that had always been present in her marriage, if not before? In reality, did she refuse to see what one of her agendas disallowed her to notice?

If he is not happy with you, why should he stay? If he is not happy with you, why do you refuse to see it? Lastly, if he is not happy with you, for what reason would you want to stay in the relationship? Remember, it is never about the other person. It is always about you and the choices that you make for your own life. What if his cheating with someone who is dear to you were actually a blessing in disguise on so many levels? What more do you need, so you can finally open your eyes to what the reality of your relation is? Would you rather continue to live with blinders on? There is an overwhelming majority of men and women who continually embrace this option. It is not right or wrong, or good or bad. It is simply their choice. But when they come to you hurting, crying, and screaming because they supposedly never saw it coming, should you show any compassion? By doing so, it would only comfort them in their mode of functioning and encourage them to repeat the exact same pattern in the future. So are you ready to remain true to yourself and not fall for their drama? Only then can you empower them to change, even if they will hate you for that.

She is not a slut. She is your best friend at a crucial yet dreadful moment in your emotional life! She is the one who awakes interrogations that you had been suppressing for a very long time such as, “When did you know that ‘your Mark’ was not that much into you, anyway?” Moreover, when did you elect to ignore what you already knew, before you buried your head in the sand to keep the pretense that you had a perfect relationship, or “just” a relationship for that matter? Let’s have all the girlfriends be envious, especially those who are still single, those “losers,” as Julie would refer to them. This is why so many men and women decide to stay in a relationship, which they know has died a long time ago. It is for the façade. It is to show others that they too are successful on a personal level. But it is in reality an empty shell inhabited by individuals who have lost their soul. There is no magic, no creation, and no expansion. It is all about waiting “till deaths do you guys apart.” Be grateful that a Lucy finally came to shake this fleabag called “your relationship.”

Are you ready to acknowledge that you have the ability to know what is really going on in your life? To be aware at all times is a possibility. However, it might not necessarily be comfortable all the time. To avoid any discomfort, people choose to blindfold themselves. Thus, when there is something that is not functioning properly in their lives anymore, they can put the blame on someone else. Does this sound familiar? How many times have you observed friends, parents, colleagues or even yourself behave this way? You have two choices. You can either give up on you own self and your life, or you can be honest with yourself twenty four seven. What would you choose?

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What if the values, beliefs, and modalities with which you have been functioning all these years were not that gratifying after all? Would you be ready to eliminate part of them if not all of them all, so you can finally start fresh? Whether you want to admit it, you do not resemble anyone else. You are very much unique. So only you can decide what is best for your life. And you can never go wrong when, one step at a time, you choose to master the art of introspection.