Voices of Professions

Businessman - You are all losers, but I am going to pretend that I like you because it makes good business.

Engineer - Only engineers do anything useful. Everyone else is stupid or insane.

Salesman - I'll make you like me so that you buy my product. Don't mistake my psychopathic charm for friendship though. To me you are food.

Teacher - None of you children will ever amount to anything, but I'll keep teaching you this boring stuff that none of you will ever use. It is a way to demonstrate my intellectual and moral superiority.

Scientist - People suck, but doing work that benefits humanity is good. I hate people near me, but I will continue advancing scientific knowledge for benefit of humanity hoping that someday humanity will evolve to deserve this knowledge.

Programmer - You are complete idiots, but I'll make the software according to your specifications anyway so that you don't bother the help line with your stupid questions.

Lawyer - You are too stupid to live. But for a lot of money I will pretend that I care about you and argue your case before the court. Don't call me afterwards, I only pretend to care about you and only when you're paying.

Doctor - Your unhealthy lifestyle has caused you to get sick. However the sicker you are, the more money I make. I will tell you that you aren't responsible for your lifestyle, so that you keep getting sick and coming to see me.

Social worker - You are a total psycho, but I have to pretend like I have a positive regard for you, so I won't tell you that. Instead I'll pretend to make you feel better about yourself while continuing to subliminally reinforce the idea that you a sorry piece of trash.

Military - I am a real man, and everyone else is bunch of weenies. I deserve to run this country, fuck what the constitution says.

Politician - Like you, I believe that government is best which governs the least. When elected I promise to do absolutely nothing.

Preacher - Scientists are a bunch of commies and devil-worshippers. That's why I keep using technology that comes from science and credit it to God. Intellectuals are evil. That's why I enjoy democracy that was designed by intellectuals and credit it to God. Women are emotional, men are rational. That's why I fill men's minds with irrational beliefs. Family is the foundation of society. That's why I teach men to beat their wives and their children, so that the entire society gets based upon violence and oppression. This I credit to God as well and call it freedom.

Mechanic - Women shouldn't be doing anything except cook food and clean the house. When a woman takes her car to repair I am right to rip her off.

Farmer - I want the government off my back, but I want agricultural subsidies to continue so that I remain on the back of the government.

Truck driver - I hate the damn liberals in the cities. That is why most of my business consists of delivering products to liberals in the cities. I hate the government. That is why I use government-built Interstate system to do my work.

Accountant - For just a few thousand bucks I'll keep you from having to pay a million dollars in taxes. This will add vastly to the government debt, but who gives a damn. We are real, responsible, patriotic Americans. The people who don't have what we have don't deserve to live.