What is Sexual Attraction?

I don’t have the answer to that I’m afraid, so that’s why I thought I’d ask the question, in the form of two personal experiences.

The first one happened when I was still with my last girlfriend. She invited me to meet a girlfriend of hers (Alice) and her husband and children. We had dinner together. It was a very agreable evening and my girlfriend’s friend was rather quiet at table, but very polite. She was just a person I met once. Anyway, we ate together a few more times over the months that followed, because that what couples “do”, but then they divorced and we lost sight of them. No problem. They slipped out of my mind.......

My girlfriend and I separated later on too.

One day, a year later, I was getting out of my car, downtown, when who should I see but Alice.

She saw me too, and we decided to go and have a drink. And, to my astonishment, I found her really, and I mean REALLY, attractive, in all senses of the word! Instantly! She looked incredibly elegant, very sensual, and extremely desirable. I was acutely aware of it, and I tried to figure it out. She looked just the same (same jeans as usual), same haircut and everything, as before, but I just couldn’t take my eyes off her!! And it seemed to be reciprocal. There was something going on and we both knew it. Powerful. Physical....and it was irresistable.
It was so strange, because before, Alice didn’t appear to me like that!! What had changed? Nothing. Or should I say nothing, but everything....

I can only think that maybe we just kind of don’t consider people in the same way depending on whether or not they, or we, are ‘hitched’ to someone. I mean, she wasn’t ‘available’ before, nor was I, and no ‘chemistry’ occured. Afterwards though, we were both single, so maybe we just were ‘looking for’ attractiveness in each other, because it was now ‘permitted’. Maybe people put themselves into ‘search’ mode or not depending just as much on their personal prevailing social circumstances as on any perceived attractiveness. Or is it some kind of mechanism that helps keep families, and thus the social fabric, together? Is that what they call “moral standards”? (Nothing ‘natural’ or ‘physical’ there, in that case, is there!)

My second experience involves Morgan. I met her in an art gallery. She asked me how the headphones worked (it was a multimedia piece of art). I showed her. We went for coffee. A few days later we went out for dinner. It became evident to me that something was happening here, at least for me. So, as elegantly as possible, I tried to convey my, um, feelings.

This little game went on for a while, and we became closer and had a lot of fun together. I still had other things in mind though, but, oh well.. She was a good person to be with, and that was the most important thing. (But, has to be said, she was so...um...!)

We met for coffee one day. We talked as usual and then we had this conversation;

-Fripouille?-
-Yeah?-
-Can I be very straight with you about something?-
-Sure! Of course!-
-Fripouille, it seems obvious to me that you would take me to bed this instant if you could. Is that right?-
-Uhhh, yes, it is. You’re right. I would.-
-Fine. I just wanted to say thanks for not trying to force anything, even though your intentions were clear. You’ve been very cool, and I thank you for it-
-Ummm that’s ok, glad you’re not angry-
-Of course I’m not angry! (laughs) but you need to know that I live with someone, so it isn’t going to happen between us-
-Oh, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, sorry. No problem-
-But I DON’T have a boyfriend-
-Sorry?-
-I live with my girlfriend......-

She went on to tell me that only her good friends knew that she was gay. She asked me to come to dinner one evening and meet her girlfriend. I accepted with the greatest of pleasure.

I instantly, and I mean instantly, ceased to have the same regard for her. She instantly became a good friend, and I was very happy about it. In fact she is now one of my best friends, and when I look at her these days I smile gently at how I used to think of her, and we walk arm-in-arm when it’s cold....

So, again, but in the opposite sense this time, it just seems that sexual attraction is a variable thing. It’s not “visceral”. Well, it IS at the time, but can change in an instant too. Something “turned off”, in Morgan’s case, or “turned on”, in Alice’s case, the hormonal taps.

What is that “something”?

As I said, I don’t have the answer to that....